Mojoverse Science Theatre 2099 by Mela
Episode 6:
Triple Feature Finale
- “Strong Spirit” by CosmicGiraffe/Hay Lin/HayLinAir
- “Here’s My Heart” by Nina Bechtold
- “Two Tainted Hearts” by Kate-chan 91
[Doors... and we’re back to
the BRIDGE.]
[ALL are gathered behind
the desk and talking animatedly. Just
behind them, obscuring the doorway, is a dry erase board. Most of the words on it - including
‘Wedding’, ‘Baby?’, ‘Purgatory’, and ‘Skinner Box’ among the more legible - are
scribbled out or crossed off; only two remain visible - ‘Clip Show’ and
‘Downer’.]
TOM: Right. So our options for the finale are to either
do a clip show of our best host segments or to die en masse in a downer ending.
DOUG: I’m for anything *but*
the downer. I’m even for a
non-ending. Let’s play some Journey and
cut to black.
SARAH: You want the Internet
whining to hit critical mass? All two
people who’ve been our steady audience will *never* get it. And besides, everyone with more than half a
brain cell knows that’s the same thing as the Downer Ending.
[Pause. TOM quickly
scribbles down two ‘X’s under the word ‘Downer’ and two check marks under clip
show.]
LAURIE: I’d like to do the
clip show - that way, I could see the stuff you did before I decided to join
in.
BRIAN: Laurie, you don’t want
that.
LAURIE: Why not?
BRIAN: Because they sucked.
TOM: Sad but true.
DOUG: Let’s see... We had Eva Marie visiting the ship and making
obscure DC Comics references... Me
getting crushed because of a chain letter...
SARAH: ReBritishification... and that’s about it. I say no to clips.
DOUG: Same here.
LAURIE: Oh.
[TOM sighs and erases the
two check marks, replacing them with four ‘X’s.]
TOM: So you want no special
finale at all? Just a
normal episode with a good-bye?
SARAH: That sounds great!
DOUG: Fine by me.
LAURIE: Yeah, a nice ‘thank
you’ would be perfect.
BRIAN: *And* no one has to die
again.
TOM: Huh. (to camera) Any ideas,
soon-to-be-ex-overlords?
[Cut to: CONTROL ROOM. WANDA is sitting in the lone remaining desk
chair and watching as MAJOR and MINOR DOMO are packing print-outs into
lead-lined cases.]
WANDA: Are you sure you want
to do this?
MAJOR: Look, once you decide
what to do with the kids and send the little red thing back home, we have
nothing to look forward to except playing Nanny to the X-Babies.
MINOR: Yaaaaaayyyyy! I can’t wait to play Hide N’ Snikt again!
MAJOR: As usual, you’re the
only one. But the last thing I want -
(shuts one of the cases with a loud slam) - is for one of those little terrors
to get into these subjects. It’s just
too dangerous.
WANDA: What if I told you that
*I* had a safe place for them?
MAJOR: (looks up at WANDA,
annoyed) What, with your invisible kids?
WANDA: Nah, I’m over
that. But I’ve got a brilliant idea
about how you can get rid of them.
MAJOR: And it’s...?
WANDA: Only going to be
revealed after this break.
[COMMERCIALS.]
[Door sequence and back to
the theater.]
(ALL enter and take their
seats.)
BRIAN: Are you guys *sure* you
don’t want the end to be in Purgatory?
SARAH: Why? We’re already in Hell.
>
> Here's My Heart- by
Nina Bechtold
TOM: Holy crap, an author with
a normal name!
ALL: Oooooh,
aaaaaah...
> _______________________________________________________________
> -Prologue-
>
> Stepping into the cold
hospital room
BRIAN: The Refrigeration Ward.
> where her aunt lay
> helpless,
DOUG: Cold-cocked by a nurse
for losing her visitor pass.
> Kathrina Blight
stared sadly at the stranger.
LAURIE: Dear, sweet half-dead
Aunt Whats-Her-Face.
>
Aunt
> Barb hadn't been very
keen about
SARAH: Soap operas, but the
channels offered left her no other choice.
> the environment until
she found
> out
why her body had started to deteriorate.
DOUG: Turns out eating radium
*isn’t* good for you.
> Some of the
> chemicals
found in gasoline, like gashol,
TOM: Wait, that’s not an
additive. Do you mean *gasohol*, the
ethanol-gasoline mixture? Because that’s actually supposed to be a lot better for the
environment...
SARAH: Tom, it’s a ‘Captain
Planet’ fanfic.
You actually expect there to be *accuracy*?
> had been irratating
> her
once beautiful skin and lungs-
LAURIE: Lungs that had won her
a cover of ‘Modern Medicine’.
> in short, she was allergic to
> gashol.
BRIAN: Maybe she shouldn’t
have been drinking it.
> Looking at the newly honored Planeteer, Barbara Blight
> smiled.
SARAH: No counting this time -
or else.
TOM: Awww...
> "Kathrina, my
dear girl, why are you crying?"
DOUG: (Kathrina)
“Because I’ve gotta be a stupid Planeteer.”
>
> Looking even more
upset, Kathrina, a sweet girl from
BRIAN: But wouldn’t a
faux-exotic name like hers be illegal there?
> said,"Ah,
mi, Aunt Barb-
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“Whom I grieve, even though I hardly know you.”
> Doctor McGrey has
told me that you
> shall die soon."
TOM: (Kathrina)
“I just wanted to make sure that I’m still getting your car.”
> Tears started again. "Oh, sil vous plait! Tell
> me
c'est faux! Tell me it's a lie,
DOUG: Oh, Translationese. I always *loved* it.
> Aunt
Barb!"
>
> "No,
Kathrina. I only wish it were. Before I die, though,
SARAH: (Barb) “I want you to
clean out my room. You’ll know what to
trash.”
>
I want
> you
to know something that I haven't been able to say."
BRIAN: “Rubber baby buggy
bumpers.”
> With a
> painful
deep breath, she said,
DOUG: (Barb) “Why are you
pumping cigarette smoke into my air supply?”
> "I gave you
to your aunt Serena.
LAURIE: You know,
the blonde one from
> I
> was too busy to take
care of you, much less myself.
TOM: With that one sentence,
Barb proves that she’s smarter than two thirds of
> I am your
> birth
mother.
SARAH: (Barb) “I love you, but
I gave you up because I’m lazy.”
> Please forgive me for not telling you
> when
you came of age to know."
BRIAN: (Kathrina)
“What? Never!”
> With another gasp, Barbara Blight
> slipped into a coma,
SARAH: Thus costing the series
its only good villain.
> leaving Kathrina to
wonder why her real
> aunt,
Aunt Serena, hadn't told her this before she died.
LAURIE: Wait,
is Aunt Serena dead, too?
DOUG: And wasn’t Serena
supposed to have raised her? If so,
why’s she called ‘Aunt’, too?
TOM: Can we have a flow chart?
>
> Here's My Heart
> -Chapter 1-
BRIAN: Please be short...
please, oh please, oh please...
> ________________________________________________________________
> "Kya!," came Gi's screach as
SARAH: She threw a flying kick
to a ninja’s head.
DOUG: (Gi)
“Everything gets the kick! Kya!”
> Kwame threw her into
the deep water
> off
the coast of
TOM: Also known as
Pointy-Pointy Reef.
> causing Ma-Ti, who had been
> tanning,
to zoom back to reality.
LAURIE: It’s a chain reaction
of inanities.
BRIAN: (Ma-Ti) “Okay, I look
like a lobster. I’m done.”
> The five college students
SARAH: You mean the Planeteers?
TOM: Let’s not jump to
conclusions.
>
were
> relaxing from two
semesters of
DOUG: Binge drinking, bong
hits, and academic probation.
> cramming brain-torture.
SARAH: Those true-or-false
Psych tests sure are hard.
>
It was
> summer vacation at
last!
BRIAN: Time to waste three
months bagging groceries for minimum wage and being verbally abused by old
ladies!
> Knowing that they were going to be very
> busy this summer,
SARAH: Following Phish on their reunion tour.
> they had all agreed
with Gaia that, between
> each
> Planeteer
alert that didn't go one after another,
LAURIE: They wouldn’t have to
mow the lawn.
>
the
group
> would get some time to
be their normal selves.
DOUG: And, once knowing what
everyone was *really* like, wishing desperately that they were back at school.
>
> Off
in the deep, near where Kwame had tossed Gi,
TOM: And where the piranha were gathering...
> who was now
> trying to splash water
him,
BRIAN: Use a watering can -
it’s much easier.
> was Wheeler, who was piloting the
> Geo-Boat.
SARAH: Playing
Whack-a-Manatee.
DOUG: If the author really tries,
she might actually fit in *more* commas into this sentence.
> Linka was with him,
but she was sitting in the other
> chair,
LAURIE: With the aid of rope
and duct tape.
> simply enjoying the fresh air and the boat ride-
TOM: Except for the waves and
that gross salty smell.
>
oh, and
> the
cute redhead piloting it, too.
BRIAN: So... Wheeler’s instructor?
> It was apparrent
that
> whatever
jokes Wheeler was telling her,
SARAH: They were actually
worsening her sea sickness.
> Linka was enjoying
them-
> or
was it the joke-teller?
LAURIE: Probably. Puns only work when they’re delivered by
someone who knows they’re bad.
> Ma-Ti couldn't tell anymore.
DOUG: Uh... why did he even
*care*?
>
Besides,
> he
had eavesdropped on Wheeler's and Linka's emotions so
many
> times
DOUG: Oh, so he’s just a
voyeuristic empath - not the sadistic kind.
> that he knew for sure they were in love,
SARAH: Well, that and how
telegraphed it was in most of the episodes.
> but when it came
> to
those jokes, which were almost always corny,
BRIAN: And ripped off from Laffy Taffy wrappers.
>
he had
no idea
> what
to think!
TOM: Except that they’d be so
much better with some funny sound effects.
>
> Suddenly, just as he
was getting ready to take another nap, his
> communicator
went off.
LAURIE: Yay! Something might actually happen in this
story!
> Of all the times to pick for a Planeteer
> alert, why now? he thought.
DOUG: Why not when he was in
the shower, for additional wackiness?
> They may have been around the
> island,
but Gaia took no chances-
TOM: They had to wear the
exploding ankle bracelets all summer so she could always find them.
> wherever any of them
went,
> they
had to have their communicators.
LAURIE: That way, if she
needed someone to open the pickle jar or help her with her crossword, she could
get a hold of them.
> He could see Wheeler
> zooming to get Gi and Kwame
BRIAN: (alarmed) Swim! Swim for your lives! Hurry!
> to head back to the
shore,
SARAH: But not stopping to
pick them up.
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Ha-ha! See ya, suckers!”
>
Linka
> talking with Gaia,
LAURIE: (Linka)
“You use *newspapers* to avoid streaks?
Does it work?”
> who did not need to
ask Ma-Ti to return from
> the
ocean.
TOM: Probably because he was
already on land.
DOUG: You do realize that this
chapter had twenty-seven commas in thirteen sentences.
SARAH: If *you* start
counting, I’ll kill you.
>
> -Chapter 2-
LAURIE: Do we have to do it
for *every* second chapter, Mister Servo?
TOM: Are you guys going to
keep doing that ‘welcome’ joke?
BRIAN: Probably. It’s a proud Marvel tradition.
TOM: Then you have to say
‘Electric Boogaloo’.
Fair’s fair.
> ________________________________________________________________
> Wheeler snuck a looked
at the lovely blonde in the passenger's
> seat
SARAH: The one next to Linka.
> of the Geo-Boat and smiled-
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “Duhhhhhhh... girl.”
> he had never been
nervous
> around
girls until Linka came along.
DOUG: Before her, he ran away
in mortal terror.
> He always been trying to
> get their attention
TOM: But only succeeded in
being the subject of a record number of restraining orders.
> and he'd always get
negative feedback,
LAURIE: The girls at his
school once held a contest to see who’d get to laugh in his face first.
>
in
> computer
terms.
SARAH: More like ‘glib
marketing executive’ terms. ‘Negative
feedback’ means ‘blue screen’ to computers.
> With Linka, however,
he never had to try to get
> her
attention-
TOM: She shadowed him from day
one, even following him into the bathroom.
> it was his from the moment they met on the shore
> of
Hope
>
BRIAN: In a ‘bicker
pointlessly and butt heads over pointless crap’ sort of way.
> which was a very pleasant first.
DOUG: Quite a nice change from
the pepper spray.
> The only problem was
> that
neither of them
TOM: Spoke. Anything. They used contradictory styles of mime, too.
> was bold (or brazen) enough
LAURIE: Or sassy and brassy
enough.
BRIAN: Clearly, they’ve got to
drink more barbeque sauce.
>
to ask
for
> anything
more than a good friendship.
SARAH: (annoyed) Oh, no, a man
and a woman being just friends. How
dreadful.
> He wanted something to be
> done about it, but he
had no clue what it was he wanted.
BRIAN: That’s what you get for
falling asleep during *that* Health Class.
>
> Linka
spotted him peeking at her from the corner of her eye and
> said,
TOM: (Linka,
panicked) “Oh my God, look out for that sandbar!”
> in a teasingly annoyed voice, "Keep your eyes on the
> destination,
Wheeler.
LAURIE: And ignore everything
between it and you.
> You American boys may think I can't see
> you
watching me,
DOUG: Whereas the Canadian
boys are refreshingly plain-faced about ogling.
> but I have eyes on
the side of my face,
BRIAN: Just like Uma Thurman.
SARAH: (singing) She’s got Admiral Akbar eyes...
> just so
> I can catch you!"
LAURIE: (quickly) And *not* to confuse predators.
> There was a smirk on her lips when she said
> that.
TOM: She better get a napkin and take care of that.
>
> Wheeler laughed
contentedly as he returned his attention back to
> the
watery road.
SARAH: Holy God, man! You’ve drifted off so much you’ve hit land?!
> "Yes, ma'am!"
BRIAN: (snorts) Whipped.
>
> "Ah, Linka," Gi said,
DOUG: (Gi)
“I truly admire how quickly you’ve emasculated him. You have it down to an art, girl.”
> "I think the phrase is 'In the back of my
> head',
not 'On the side of my face.'" Even when she was in a
> good
mood, she was always practical.
BRIAN: Or anal.
SARAH: Hey, Doug, it’s your
dream girl!
DOUG: Shut up.
>
> Good old Gi,
LAURIE: Always so petty.
> Linka though before
replying playfully, "Nyet, Gi-
> not
for my Wheeler!
SARAH: He likes girls that
look like a flounder.
> I saw him watching me out of the corner of
> my
eye."
TOM: Well, why didn’t you just
say that?
>
> Surprised at what he
heard come from Linka,
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “She told
everyone she was blind!”
> Wheeler, who had
> gotten out to help
Ma-Ti dock the Geo-Boat, looked at the
> Russian beauty.
LAURIE: And for the very first
time, he was shocked to see that she had eyes.
> "Huh? What was that, Babe," he asked with as
> much
surprise in his voice as was in his mind.
DOUG: (shaking head) Ay-i-ay-i-ay-i-ay-i-ay...
>
> "Oh, only that
you're my Wheeler," Linka replied in a girlish
> voice.
SARAH: (Linka)
“I’ve got your city-issued tags right here.
Now, where’s your collar?”
> Then she looked at the sand they now stood in
and sweetly
> mummbled,
LAURIE: (Linka)
“I’m ankle deep in rotted crab carcasses.”
> "That is, if you want to be."
BRIAN: (singing) Consentual servitude... with a side of fries! Consentual
servitude... and a baked potato!
>
> Wheeler wished that
they had more time to talk privately,
TOM: But with Ma-Ti around, that would never happen.
>
but
> they
had to go and talk with Gaia- his wish would have to wait.
DOUG: Is it wrong I want Grant
Morrison’s Candleman to show up? That might liven
things up.
> "Let me think
about it for a little while, okay?
SARAH: (Wheeler) “Even though
the canon material pretty much made our love carved in stone, we have to
continue creating artificial tension.”
>
We need to head
> inside- Gaia needs
us."
TOM: (Wheeler, annoyed) “She
probably lost her damn remote again.”
>
> Drat, Linka thought, if only we had more time between
> emergencies.
Wheeler was thinking the same thing she was.
LAURIE: Except that his
thoughts included a strong desire for Pringles.
>
> -Chapter 4-
BRIAN: Wow, this story is
making great time.
TOM: That’s just because they retconned the prologue into a first chapter. Bumped everything up a
number. (pause) I hope.
> ________________________________________________________________
> Gaia was talking with
a handsome guy who looked almost like
SARAH: Ernest Borgnine.
>
a
> Roman god
DOUG: Complete with toga and
dorky flat haircut.
> when the group
arrived inside the Fortress of Hope.
> She was so in love as
they talked.
TOM: Uh-oh... I smell a long
string of pairings-off on the horizon.
> It was amazing that she
> noticed when they
entered
SARAH: First person to suggest
*why* she didn’t notice gets punched.
Not smacked - *punched*.
> and was able to
compose herself
> temporarily.
BRIAN: Albeit in mismatched
shoes and his boxers.
> "We have six new residents on
> Planeteers.
LAURIE: Wow... not just *one*
new Planeteer, a whole flock! Maybe they’ll fight.
DOUG: No. If they do, the new meat will win ‘cuz they’re *kewler*.
> Five are new additions to your group, making
it
BRIAN: Insanely crowded in
their one-room hut.
>
an
> even
ten with the addition of two young men and three young
> women.
SARAH: (Gaia) “You will be
expected to pair off accordingly.
Wheeler and Linka, you’re excepted.”
> This one, however," refering
to the Roman-like guy,
DOUG: (Gaia) “Is all mine. I called dibsies.”
>
"is
> Gaius,
an old friend of mine-
TOM: Or maybe a relative. Blech.
> he, too, is a spirit of Earth."
DOUG: Father Nature?
> After they had all
greeted Gaius and introduced themselves, Gaia
> continued.
>
> "The other five
have already arrived and will be meeting with
> you
at anytime today.
LAURIE: (Gaia) “They may try
to greet you with a tiger pit or a trip-wire attached to a crossbow.”
> Each of them will need you all to make
> them
feel very welcome.
BRIAN: (sniffing) I smell
lemons.
> You may continue with whatever you were
> doing before this,
SARAH: Drowning each other,
mowing down reefs, and contracting skin cancer?
> but, if any of the
new Planeteers decide to
> join,
BRIAN: (Gaia) “Feel free to
laugh in their faces.”
> please let them- it may take some of them a longer time
> than
others to get use to this place.
DOUG: They’re not used to
sunlight or talking to others.
> You are now dismissed to
> continue with you're
activities." This did not sound at all like
> Gaia,
LAURIE: I’ll say. It sounded more like my fourth grade homeroom
teacher.
> but none of them questioned her, nor did they want to-
TOM: They’d be neck-deep in
magma if they tried.
>
she
> was in love and it was
good to have her in this mood.
SARAH: Dismissive and
distracted, unaware of what they might be doing... (cackles
quietly)
>
Whatever
> they
did, however,
BRIAN: They were *not* about
to let the newbies in on it.
> they would all obey
her wish to let the five
> new
Planeteers get in on the fun.
DOUG: If by ‘fun’, you mean
‘elaborately dangerous hazing ritual’.
> If they didn't, she would not
> be very happy about
it.
TOM: Yeah, I think margarine
ads proved conclusively that it’s not nice to torque off Mother Nature.
>
> -Chapter 5-
> ________________________________________________________________
> Linka
and Gi were walking to the beach after the meeting
when
> they
SARAH: Saw the two-foot-tall
list of regulations and turned right around.
LAURIE: (Linka)
“Fifty bucks for beach tags?! Screw that
noise!”
> saw
the green-haired girl
BRIAN: Oh, great - it’s
another of Cap’s crazy future kids.
> sitting on a handmade beach towel
> in
the sand,
DOUG: Thumbing for a ride.
> watching the ocean waves clashing the shore.
TOM: They were just too bright
to go with that sand, and their pattern was too busy.
>
She
> hummed a tune that
both girls were unfamiliar with,
SARAH: ‘Brandy’!
>
but they
> really
enjoyed listening.
SARAH: Yeah, ‘Brandy’!
> She felt their eyes and turned,
LAURIE: (girl) “Here - these
fell out of your skulls.”
>
but,
> instead
of acting as dismayed as she felt,
BRIAN: She wordlessly sucker-punched
them and walked away.
> she simply smiled at
> them.
"Bon jour! Bien jour, èst cè mal?" she asked
pleasantly.
DOUG: (slowly & loudly) Kon-ni-ch-wa. No hab-low German-ish.
> Gi
stared at her with genuine confusion,
SARAH: (Gi)
“How the heck does Cap keep having international kids? It’s getting freaky.”
LAURIE: What are you talking
about?
TOM: ‘Eve of Destruction’ -
ask the Domos for the tape before it’s wiped.
LAURIE: Oh, okay.
> while Linka smiled- she
> still
remembered at least a little bit of the French she'd
> learned in
TOM: Despite the
>
> "Ah,
bon jour a vous, ausi! Mon amì et
moi, nous cogner mal muy
> français,"
Linka told the girl.
DOUG: (girl) “‘You bang poorly French’?
That’s for sure.”
> Then, returning to the English
> language,
LAURIE: So the readers’ heads
wouldn’t explode...
> she said,
"My name is Linka: I'm from
BRIAN: (Linka)
“Well, technically ‘the
> but I
> know a small amount of
French, as you could tell."
DOUG: Or bang it poorly.
>
She reached
> out
her hand for a shake.
SARAH: (Linka)
“Chocolate, please, with whipped cream on top.”
>
> Pleased, the newcomer
obliged to the handshake, as she had been
> to
the
TOM: So she knew the fine art
of showing your superiority by crushing the other guy’s hand.
> "Ah, a Russian! That is good!
LAURIE: (girl) “I really love
your dressing!”
> You speak français very well too, Linka.
DOUG: (girl) “You bang it like
a drum.”
TOM: Let it go, man.
> I am Kathrina Draeux,
> from
SARAH: (Kathrina)
“You know, from the prologue?”
TOM: It has to be a French
name - it ends in an ‘X’!
>
> "I'm Gi, from
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“Really? Which part?”
BRIAN: (Gi)
“Oh, you know, the Asian part.”
LAUIRE: (Kathrina)
“Oh, yes, I-... What?”
> said Gi, following Linka's suit by
> motioning for a
handshake. Her hand was not ignored, either.
DOUG: It was glanced at, then dismissed.
>
> "So, you two are
good friends, nón? For how
long?" Kathrina
> asked them.
BRIAN: (Linka)
“Pretty much since the pilot.”
>
> "Ever since we
discovered that we both liked Skyrunner,
LAURIE: They share a favorite
My Little Pony.
>
which
> was about five or six
years ago- wasn't it, Gi?" Linka
asked,
> trying to see if her
best friend for however long could
> remember.
TOM: Sadly, both had severe
short-term memory problems and didn’t even know what day of the week it was.
>
> "About
six years ago, Linka, after we became Planeteers." Gi
> answered.
>
> "Da, now I remember- thanks, Gi."
SARAH: (Linka)
“But next time, I’ll need a month and day, okay? Get to work on that.”
>
> "Pardon
moi, but who is Skyrunner?
BRIAN:
LAURIE: Hey, yeah!
> I've heard of DC Talk,
SARAH: Sucks.
>
Kellie
> Clarkson,
SARAH: Sucks and reeks, like
all things ‘American Idol’.
> and Marilyn Manson,
DOUG: The dorky friend from
‘The Wonder Years’?
> whom I hope I never
have to listen
> to
in my life.
SARAH: Huh. Someone in these stories shares my musical
tastes just a tiny bit? Weird.
> But I have never heard of Skyrunner!"
Kathrina
> seemed a little
confused when they mentioned the name, as she
> was being honest about
not hearing about him.
TO: But why would she
lie? Is she quizzing them on their level
of Skyrunner knowledge?
>
> "He's a Native
American music idol," Gi said,
BRIAN: (Gi)
“Remember the first season of ‘Native American Idol’? He was beaten by Kate Standing Deer and Grayfeather, but they both tanked, and it was discovered
that it was all due to a phone line problem.
Biiiiiig scandal.”
> remembering how
> the
Planeteers helped him understand what was really
going on at
> his
concerts.
LAURIE: (Gi)
“You go out to the stage and sing, and all those people in the seats clap
because they like it. Got it?”
BRIAN: (Skyrunner)
“That’s *it*?! Wow!”
> "Once, when Linka
and I got a chance to actually
> go to one of his
concerts,
TOM: K-Plot held a contest.
> it turned out that
Hoggish Greedly
> was using the
amphitheater
DOUG: As his pantry.
TOM: (Greedly)
“There’s no such thing as too many Chicken in a Biscuit crackers!”
> it was at as a
dumping ground for
> trash.
SARAH: (Gi)
“Every night he’d bus in people from
> Of course, poor Skyrunner
didn't know about it until
DOUG: He impaled his foot on a
scalpel while dancing.
>
we
> told him,
BRIAN: We’ve replaced Skyrunner’s drum kit with barrels of volatile carcinogenic
gas - let’s see if he notices.
> but we got word to
him just in time to stop Greedly
> from
going through with his plans,
LAURIE: And eating every bite
of trash?
> and Skyrunner's concert
> continued on
schedule."
TOM: Shame he threw a fit over
the lighting and stormed off stage after two songs.
>
> "So, Kathrina, who all do you like to listen to?" Wheeler
said,
> as
he joined in.
ALL: Gah!
TOM: Don’t *do* that, Radar!
> He had overheard most of the conversation,
BRIAN: Thanks to his precision
equipment.
> after
she had introduced herself. Along with him were Kwame
and
> Ma-Ti,
SARAH: It’s a whole squad of
busybodies.
> who had originally hoped to go surfing until
LAURIE: Gaia summoned up a
swarm of sharks. She *hated* surfing.
>
they
heard
> the
three girls talking.
DOUG: Oh, boy! A brand new dish to serve!
> Kathrina was very
surprised that this
> guy
knew her by name.
SARAH: Why? She’s wearing her trainee nametag.
>
> "Ah, Kathrina, this is Wheeler, Kwame,
and Ma-Ti.
DOUG: (Gi)
“You’ll have no privacy if they’re around - trust me.”
>
Guys, this is
> Kathrina-
she's from
LAURIE: (Gi)
“So go easy on the Jerry Lewis and surrender jokes,
okay?”
> Gi said, motioning
to each of them
> as
she named them, giving them time to shake each other's hands.
BRIAN: Within days, a strange
flesh-eating illness had mysteriously spread around the island.
>
> "Well, Wheeler,
I'm mainly into Christian music,
(Pause. ALL look at
SARAH for a beat as she does nothing.
Finally, SARAH notices.)
SARAH: What?
TOM: No comments from the
music critic?
SARAH: (shrugs) It’s kind of a niche genre, and unlike rap or crap-pop, it
doesn’t force itself onto every station format known to man. It’s nothing I really know about, that’s all.
>
so most
of the
> ones
I listen to you wouldn't really know about.
SARAH: See? Even the characters know.
>
But right now,
> I'm really into MercyMe, ZoeGIRL, Plus One, and
Out Of
> After waiting for a
few seconds as it sunk in, Kathrina
> continued.
DOUG: (Kathrina)
“So... anyone like sea shells?”
> "I think it's actually been more helpful
to me-
SARAH: I’ll say. After Cait Lin’s
Top 40 crap, this is refreshing. I
actually like you, Kathrina.
BRIAN: Whoa. A bit early?
>
with
> any
other genre of music, I might be suicidal and depressed.
BRIAN: Because it’s been
replaced by a pre-set five song playlist.
>
I
> listened to a song by
Nellie recently, and I almost barfed- he
> is so
sick-minded!"
SARAH: Seriously, Kath, we
should get together some time, talk about how rap sucks, and see if surf rock’s
okay.
TOM: She can’t hear you...
>
> "Da!"
Linka said in agreement.
LAURIE: Sarah could start a
coffee club now.
>
> "Hey,
Sonia? Where did you put my
plush kitten?"
DOUG: (speaker) “If you
touched it, so help me, God, I’ll rip your spine apart!”
>
another
girl's
> voice
resounded.
>
> "Ah,
Natalie! Come over here-
BRIAN: Good Natalie! Here’s your pudding.
> I'm talking with the other five
> Planeteers!"
called Kathrina to the new arrival.
TOM: (Kathrina)
“You know, the ones we’re replacing?”
>
> "Hello,
everyone!"
ALL: Hi, Natalie!
> she said as she
sauntered up to the group
> that
had gathered so far. "My name's Natalie- I'm from
> as
you can tell by my accent."
DOUG: Wait, no bad attempts at
mimicking an Estuary accent in text? (pause) I’m starting
to like this, too.
TOM: Wait until the French starts
banging poorly again, and you’ll change your mind.
> Everyone introduced themselves to
> her
before another girl, who was apparently Sonia (from
LAURIE: Why? Was she wearing a big sombrero?
> joined them.
SARAH: We’d save a lot of time
if everyone just wore those name sweaters the old Mouseketeers
had.
BRIAN: But you’d need name and
place of origin.
LAURIE: That’s how they knew
Sonia was Mexican! It was on her
sweater!
> Up until then, however, Natalie had forgotten
about
> her
plush kitten.
DOUG: Turns out it was on top
of her head.
>
> -Chapter 6-
> ________________________________________________________________
> Linka
and Wheeler were laughing their heads off
SARAH & BRIAN: (in unison)
“That Marmaduke is one *big* dog!”
>
when
they got
> into
the Geo-Boat after
TOM: Ditching the newbies’ remains in the riptide area.
> Linka, who taken it
out for a spin
> because
she wanted some "alone time",
LAURIE: Huh. You, uh, usually go to your room for that...
DOUG: It’s a one-room hut they
share.
LAURIE: Ooohhhh.
> nearly
"drowned".
DOUG: With the ‘coughing’ and
‘not breathing’ and all.
>
It had
> all
been planned by she and Wheeler-
SARAH: They were gonna sue the lifeguards for negligence.
> she would go out into
the
> deeper
waters,
BRIAN: And get eaten by a
shark.
> sit on the side of the Geo-Boat, and, arms
> flailing, would
"lose" her balance and fall into the water.
LAURIE: *Then* get eaten by a
shark.
> After
a few seconds of flailing in the water,
TOM: She’d get eaten by a
shark, *please*!
> she would start to
> sink
DOUG: She’d absorbed too much
and become oversaturated.
> and Wheeler would swim out and "rescue" her.
SARAH: This is, quite
possibly, the most pathetic mating ritual ever.
>
Once back to
> the
surface,
TOM: You mean ‘shore’,
right? Please mean ‘shore’.
> they would go to the
Geo-Boat and have their talk.
LAURIE: Wherein Wheeler would
threaten to drown her for real if she ever tried that again.
> So far, so good, Linka thought,
BRIAN: (Linka)
“Him beating me into a coma to escape this scene is
going according to plan.”
> still enjoying the
fact that
> they
had both found some time to talk with each other
TOM: And emotionally
manipulate him in the process.
>
and
pulled
> a
prank on the
> other
eight Planeteers-
DOUG: Who were all trying to
contact their homelands’ Coast Guards for a rescue.
> and it wasn't even
April Fool's Day!
LAURIE: Or Groundhog Day.
SARAH: Or Arbor Day.
TOM: Or Sweetest Day.
BRIAN: Or Pancake Day.
DOUG: Or Bosses Day.
> That fact alone
started them laughing again when Linka mentioned
> it.
BRIAN: (Wheeler, flatly) “Ha,
ha, ha, ha. We performed a wacky prank
on a day not expressly set aside for pranks.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.”
>
> "Hoo!
That was fun!
TOM: It was?
> I can't believe we actually did that!"
LAURIE: (Wheeler) “How bored
are we, huh?”
> Wheeler said, out of
breath from "rescuing" Linka.
SARAH: Soon he’d die from a
heart attack, and there’d be no more laughing.
> All he was
> able
to do now was talk about it and laugh.
DOUG: Then cry like a paid
mourner.
>
> "Da! I
almost laughed while I was 'drowning', Wheeler!
BRIAN: (Linka)
“Then I would’ve gotten a side cramp and drowned for real, so good thing I
didn’t.”
>
But where
> would we be if I
had?" she asked with a blush.
TOM: Had *what*? Laughed or drowned?
>
> "I don't know, Linka- I just don't know." He looked at her
> blushing face and smiled.
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Aww... she’s so cute pondering her own mortality.”
> It was times like this that made her
> look
like a princess to him.
SARAH: Drenched, red-faced,
and smelling like salt.
> Then he turned slightly more
> serious
when he said,
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “Next time we
do this, we’ve gotta work some CPR in there.”
> "Did you mean it when you said I was
yours
> on
the beach?"
LAURIE: (Linka)
“Yes, but only on the beach. Everywhere
else, you’re on your own.”
>
> Looking up at him,
seeing his eyes staring into hers, she said,
TOM: (Linka)
“How long have your eyelids blinked vertically instead of horizontally?”
> "Well, I also
said that it was up to you.
SARAH: She doesn’t want to
guilt him into codependence or anything.
> Do you remember that?"
> She had said it
kindly, unhurriedly.
DOUG: I think it’s too late
for these two to avoid codependence.
>
> "And I'm saying
I'm yours if you want me, Linka."
BRIAN: (annoyed) Will one of
you just say ‘yes’ already?!
>
He replied.
> Then he figured he'd
better rephrase it, just in case she was in
> shock.
LAURIE: Or lulled to sleep.
> "In other words, do you want to and will
you be my
> girlfriend?
TOM: (Wheeler) “Because I need
to get back in the arms of a good friend.”
> I know it isn't Valentine's Day,
BRIAN: Emotions should only be
shown on calendar holidays.
> but I would like to
> know."
SARAH: Just say something -
*anything* - to end this slushy mess, *please*?
> When she hugged him, that
was answer enough for him.
DOUG: But the kick to the
crotch that followed just confused him all over again.
>
> When he kissed her, that was answer enought for
her.
TOM: Huh. Not exactly ‘as you wish’, is it?
>
> When those on the
shore saw them kiss, that was what they were
> all
waiting for.
LAURIE: The story’s over. Thank you, new Planeteers,
for coming out - we should have something for you to do in the sequel.
>
> When Zarm saw it, however, he got very angry
BRIAN: He hated glurge, more than was normally healthy.
> and vowed to get
> back at Gaia and her
friend Gaius-
SARAH: For dumping his books
back in middle school?
DOUG: Don’t tell me there’s a
love triangle in this, too...
LAURIE: What modern crappy
romance is complete without one?
> using these two lovebirds as
> bait.
TOM: No, lovebirds are for
catching wahoos.
If you want tuna, you need butterfish.
>
> -Chapter 7-
> ________________________________________________________________
> "Ooh,
Dern it!
BRIAN: (a la Yosemite Sam) “Tarnation, ya ornery varmint!”
> Everytime I get so
close to beating you, Gi, I
> end up on the losing
end of things!"
DOUG: Is it wrong I hope she’s
losing at strip poker?
(SARAH smacks the back of DOUG’s head.)
SARAH: Does that answer your
question?
DOUG: I thought I said you
couldn’t do that anymore!
> Natalie stated to her new
> friend,
as they played a very advanced game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
LAURIE: Just say Connect
Four. No one will sue.
>
> Gi
just snickered as Natalie vented her very fake frustration.
BRIAN: Unfortunately, Gi realized she had read it all wrong after Natalie clocked
her.
> "Well, when
you've played this version for as long as I have,
> you
won't mind when someone else wins.
SARAH: (Gi)
“You just dump all the checkers off the table and insist they forfeit.”
> You'll get the hang of
> it- I promise."
TOM: Something tells me Gi is a *shark* at Monopoly.
> Natalie tried to pout,
DOUG: But she was born without
lips.
> but it only sent both
> girls
into uncontrolable laughter.
LAURIE: Have we secretly
wandered into a funny farm for co-eds?
TOM: I think so.
>
> Suddenly, there was a
fading scream for help coming from
BRIAN: The radio. It was ‘Love Rollercoaster’.
>
the
> beach
where Linka and Wheeler had been enjoying each
other's
> company.
ALL: (coughing,
throat-clearing, innocent whistling, and so on)
> The scream was followed by footsteps entering
the
> fortress
entrance, where Matthew, the new Australian Planeteer,
> Elisio,
the new Brazilian Planeteer, Kwame,
and Ma-Ti were
> looking
SARAH: For something watchable on Spike TV.
Even though they were the target audience, there was nothing to be found
anymore.
> through the trunk that they kept the sports equipment
> in,
DOUG: Two bent golf clubs, a
deflated volleyball, and a catcher’s mitt for lefties.
> trying to find the football and jersies.
TOM: But not the helmets. They like to play Concussion Ball.
> "Hey, Wheeler!
> Wanna
do some American football?" Elisio asked.
BRIAN: (Elisio)
“Oops, sorry. I didn’t see that shark
still chewing on your head.”
>
> "Not now, Elisio- maybe when Linka's safe
and sound here."
LAURIE: She’s out on the boat,
not staging stupid pranks. It’s
horrible.
> Wheeler looked angry,
scared, and tired all at the same time.
DOUG: Much like your average
public transit user.
>
> "Wheeler, Gaia
told us to..."
TOM: (Ma-Ti) “Fire you two and
find someone less mushy.”
> Ma-Ti began, before he looked at
> his
friend and realized what had happened.
SARAH: (Ma-Ti) “Dude, there’s
a knife in your back.”
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “Really? I thought it was muscle pain.”
> He then dropped his
> jersy and the football bag.
LAURIE: Throwing a whole bag
of footballs feels like cheating.
> "Who took her, Wheeler?"
>
> One name escaped his
lips:
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Black
Manta...”
LAURIE: (Ma-Ti) “That’s two
words.”
DOUG: (Wheeler) “But it’s a
single proper noun! It works!”
> "Zarm." After he spoke, all energy
> left him as he blacked
out.
TOM: So his friends failed to
notice that he’s near comatose?
>
> "Planeteer Alert!" came the
announcement from Gaia and Gaius.
> The emergency didn't
have to be mentioned- the Planeteers
> already
knew.
SARAH: Somewhere, a lemur was
in danger. Linka
would have to wait.
>
> -Chapter 8-
> ________________________________________________________________
> The fogginess started
to clear as Wheeler slowly returned to
> conciousness.
BRIAN: All he could clearly
remember was the gallon of pistachio ice cream floating in the water.
> Zarm had kidnapped
his Linka and there was nothing
> he
could have done about it.
LAURIE: Just go to Target and
buy a new Linka.
> As much as he wanted to burn the
> helicopter
Zarm was using,
BRIAN: Uh... why was a guy
with god-like powers using a helicopter?
TOM: Rule of Cool. He probably thought it looked more badass.
> he knew better. If he
did, he would
> have not only killed
his enemy- he would have killed Linka,
DOUG: And been crushed under
the flaming wreckage.
SARAH: Zarm
would’ve just walked away, too, since he’s a god and all.
> which
was what Zarm would probably have been expecting.
LAURIE: Now that he hadn’t, Zarm was curled up on the tarmac, crying like a baby in
blind panic.
BRIAN: Meanwhile, Linka’s on the first cruise back home, so just chill.
> He
> opened his eyes and
was greeted by darkness,
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Great - my
girlfriend’s been kidnapped, *and* I’ve gone blind, too.”
> as night had fallen
> and
a storm was coming over the ocean.
TOM: A dark and cliché night.
>
> Looking out at the
clouds, Wheeler let a tear fall.
BRIAN: (shouting) Wusssssssss!
>
Once, when
> Linka
was crying over her pet cat,
LAURIE: Which turned out to be
a stuffed toy, but she never believed it.
> which everyone who
knew her
> thought
would die from cancer,
DOUG: That’s why you don’t
give your pets Radium Train brand food anymore.
> Wheeler had just held her and
> told her,
SARAH: (Wheeler) “We’ll go get
a new one in the morning. It’s not like
it was a dog and actually *liked* you.”
> "Tears are like rain, you know?
TOM: (Wheeler) “They’re
supposed to add dramatic weight to stuff, but they come off as, like, ponderous
and tired.”
> They come and they
> come until
LAURIE: You’re a splotchy,
snotty mess and have hiccups.
> they have done what
they can and then they leave.
BRIAN: What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
DOUG: I wonder if you can
convince your tears to help you move, so they can leave without you springing
for beer afterwards...
> Just keep crying,
babe- keep crying. I'm right here."
SARAH: (Linka,
sobbing) “No! Please, no more confusing
similes! Just go!”
>
> All Linka had said was,
ALL: Shut up.
> "Thank you." That was enough.
DOUG: I’ll say.
>
> Now that Zarm had her, Wheeler couldn't bear to even stay on
>
TOM: He just thought of a new
saying involving roses and a heat wave and *had* to tell it to her.
> He could only do one thing so that he'd want
to
> stay-
SARAH: Play Smash Bros?
> get Linka back on his own!
BRIAN: Wait, then he’d be
leaving...
> He got up and went over to his
> desk.
LAURIE: (Wheeler) “Hey, Doraemon? Can I just
go through your magic drawer to get to Linka? Thanks, man.”
> Using his dry-erase board, which he got to
save a few more
> trees,
DOUG: And still pollute by
scattering chemical dust around...
> he wrote a quick note,
TOM: (Wheeler, as if writing)
“Out... of... milk... gone... to... store.”
> not noticing that Kwame was
> watching him.
BRIAN: Kwame
likes to camouflage himself against the furniture.
>
> "You'd better
erase that, Wheeler." The voice startled him at
> first,
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Argh! My heart!”
> but, when he saw who it was, he relaxed.
SARAH: (Wheeler) “Oh, I’m just
gonna get another lecture again. No biggie.”
>
> "I'm sorry, Kwame, but I've made up my mind-
LAURIE: (Wheeler) “I just
*can’t* afford to miss the ‘Project Runway’ finale this year.”
> I will get Linka
> out
of there myself."
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “For about
thirty seconds. Then Zarm’ll
kill us both.”
>
> "Well, okay, but
the group was going to go,
TOM: Third through tenth
wheels.
> get Linka out of
> Misery Isle,
SARAH: She’s on
> and use Captain
Planet and Amazoness to take care
> of Zarm."
BRIAN: Okay - which new Planeteer turns into Amazoness?
LAURIE: Has to be Kathrina. She’s got
the prologue *and* the green hair.
DOUG: I’m gonna
say none and that she’ll be Cap’s clone and designated love interest.
>
> "Wait a minute:
When did you all plan this and who is
> Amazoness?"
>
> "You'll find out
soon enough-
LAURIE: Since you’re too damn
dim to guess.
> now get that note off
of there and
> get ready to go!
DOUG: (Kwame)
“Even though we’re all going with you, someone might see it!”
> We're all leaving in about five minutes, with
> or
without you!"
TOM: Kwame’s
officially turned into every Dad running a family road trip.
BRIAN: (Kwame)
“And if you behave on this rescue, I’ll get you some White Castles!”
TOM: (Wheeler) “Yay!”
>
> "Yes,
Sir, Mr. Kwame, Sir!" Wheeler saluted smartly
(DOUG stands up and does a
Full Rimmer salute.)
>
and
dodged
> before
Kwame could charge after him, laughing as he did so.
SARAH: Good to know there’s
room for levity amidst his agonizing heartache of a million ‘Miss You’ cards.
>
> -Chapter 9-
> ________________________________________________________________
> "Do you know how
it feels to be alone, Linka?"
LAURIE: (Linka,
sighing bitterly) “Not anymore... Maybe
if you shut up and left?”
> a dark voice said
> to
the girl who bravely sat
TOM: On an Aeron
chair. Soon she’d be forced to burn
through her venture capital and join Kozmo on the
scrap heap.
> untied and ungagged in a small
> chair,
DOUG: Stolen from the local
grade school.
> in a locked room.
SARAH: (Linka)
“Huh... phone, TV, books about parrots...”
> "You seem to have forgotten that I,
> Zarm,
BRIAN: (Zarm)
“Am named Zarm.
Just so you know - my name’s Zarm.”
> have kidnapped you from your dearest Wheeler.
LAURIE: (Linka)
“You mean I’m *not* the next contestant on ‘Sit Alone in a Little Room’?”
>
Hah! Well, I
> shall soon change your
mind about being a Planeteer,
TOM: (Zarm)
“I’ll make you watch *every* episode of your series!”
SARAH: (Linka)
“Nooooo!”
>
when you
> find out what I will
do to you."
DOUG: (Zarm)
“I’ll tell you in a bit... it’s still top secret - but it’s really, really
mean!”
>
> She said nothing to Zarm for a few seconds.
BRIAN: (Linka)
“Man, he’s nuttier than a Stucky’s log.”
> Then, slyly, she
> replied with a
deep-rooted sense of
SARAH: Boredom.
> strength.
SARAH: And boredom.
> "Even if I wanted
> to
forget about Wheeler, I couldn't.
LAURIE: (Linka)
“Trust me, I’ve tried. Even the hypnosis
didn’t take.”
> And even if I were to hate
> being a Planeteer,
BRIAN: Which
would be the normal reaction...
> there would be
nothing to stop me from
> staying just to make
you mad, Zeek!"
TOM: Zarm
has been mistaken for his hillbilly goat farmer cousin.
> She knew that calling him
> by
something close to his name,
DOUG: ‘Narm’
would work better.
SARAH: This whole thing’s one
big Narm - goes for drama and just *misses*.
> but not by his exact
name,
BRIAN: Zarmington
Zarmsworth von Zeekingleigh
the Third.
>
she
> would get on his nerves,
LAURIE: And if that didn’t
work, she’s start singing ‘Chumbawumba’.
> but she didn't like
this guy one iota,
DOUG: Funny... I usually
became best buddies with my kidnappers.
> and
therefore found it easy to make fun of him.
TOM: Believe me, Linka, everyone here knows that feeling.
>
> "For the last
time, it's Zarm, not Zeek!" the weird guy squeaked
> with
anger,
LAURIE: Never take a
helium-sucking break in the middle of your villainous gloating.
> but it only amused Linka.
SARAH: Well, good thing
*someone’s* entertained...
> She had never seen a grow
> guy
throw a tantrum over something so tiny as a name!
DOUG: Four words - ‘A Boy
Named Sue’.
TOM: I don’t think that was a
tantrum.
DOUG & TOM: (in unison) My name is Sue - how *do* you do? Now you’re gonna
*die*!
>
She had to
> bite her tongue to
keep herself from laughing.
BRIAN: (Zarm)
“Oh, stick your tongue out at me, will you?
That’s it - I’m getting the chainsaw!”
>
> Even though her face
was trying to keep from laughing,
SARAH: Her vocal chords
weren’t.
>
Linka's
> heart
was crying,
TOM: (heart) “No more
batter-fried frozen pizzas, please!”
> trying to reach the one she cared about most,
LAURIE: Frank Caliendo?
> aside
from her dear grandmother and brother Mishka.
DOUG: (Linka)
“Yakov Smirnov, where are you?”
> In her heart
> she
was pleading with Wheeler's.
BRIAN: (heart) “We need to
start seeing other hearts. This isn’t
healthy.”
>
> Wheeler, it said,
please help me!
TOM: There’s a stinkbug right
above me!
> I want out of this dump.
SARAH: I’ve been stuck in
>
Oh,
> hurry! I'm very
afraid.
DOUG: And talking like a Ren Faire regular.
> But, Wheeler, above all that I say, I
> want you to know this-
LAURIE: I hate Miracle Whip.
> I love you!
LAURIE: And I hate Heinz Chili
Sauce, too.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> About halfway between
> gasped.
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “My God,
we’re in a whole bunch of water!”
> He was sure that was Linka's
voice he had heard!
DOUG: (Wheeler) “She hates
Miracle Whip? But I love it!”
>
He
> turned to Ma-Ti,
SARAH: Don’t bother. Mister Nosey probably heard everything
already.
> who had seen his face
change from worrysome to
> energetic.
TOM: Then to nauseated.
> "Can you try to find out what Linka
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “Likes on her
sandwich?”
> is telling me,
> Ma-Ti?
LAURIE: (Ma-Ti) “I think she
said little Timmy’s fell down the well again.”
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Uh...
dude? That’s Lassie.”
LAURIE: (Ma-Ti) “Oh,
right! Sorry.”
> I
can feel her calling me- I know it's her!"
SARAH: (Wheeler) “I gave her
the Abba ringtone!”
>
> "Sure enough,
Wheeler," his friend said. Holding his ring up to
> his
forhead,
TOM: Odd way to pop a zit.
> he focused on his
target and whispered, "Heart!"
SARAH: Linka
instantly died of a heart attack. Get
it? *Heart* attack?
TOM: We heard it. We got it.
We didn’t care.
>
As
> the
invisible waves pulsed,
BRIAN: Screwing up radio
signals for miles...
> Wheeler hoped that Linka
was alright
DOUG: Uptight and outta sight.
> and
was not at all tired anymore.
BRIAN: Wait, he hoped Linka wasn’t tired?
Why? Did she get sleepy whenever
she’s kidnapped?
LAURIE: A thing like that
usually wakes you right up.
> "She- she says to help her
> quickly
and that she is afraid.
SARAH: (Ma-Ti) “And that the
cable is really crappy, and Zarm can’t cook.”
> And-" Ma-Ti paused, surprised at
> what
else her heart had said.
LAURIE: (Ma-Ti) “Really? But... but Miracle Whip is good in pasta
salads...”
TOM: Will you guys stop with
the Miracle Whip?
>
> "And?" Wheeler said, afraid that maybe Ma-Ti had lost contact
> with
her before the message had been finished- or that she
> hadn't gotten to
finish it!
BRIAN: Or that it was so
boring Ma-Ti was forced into a coma.
>
> "And she said,
and I quote, 'But, Wheeler, above all that I say,
DOUG: No matter how stagy...
> I want you to know
this-
SARAH: (Linka)
“Warm Dr. Pepper? It’s actually pretty
good.”
> I love you!' And that was all
that she
> said!"
TOM: Well, except for ‘Arrrrrgghh!’
>
> Looking out the
window,
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “Huh... when
did this turn into a houseboat?”
> watching unseeingly as they approached
> Misery Isle,
SARAH: Now with 90% more video
poker machines *and* a Wendy’s!
> the last three words
Ma-Ti had spoken from Linka's
> heart
filled his with determination.
LAURIE: Whose? Ma-Ti?
SARAH: I never thought I’d be
happy to see a love triangle, but...
>
> I must get Linka back to safety, he thought, if not for her
> sake,
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Then for Zarm’s. He’s
probably crying in the corner by now.”
> then for mine-
TOM: (Wheeler) “Because if I
don’t, she’ll kill me.”
> I love you too, Linka!
The last five words
> were thought as if she
could hear them being said.
SARAH: (Planeteer)
“Stop shouting, dude! We’re trying to
take a nap!”
>
> And those words had
been heard by her heart.
BRIAN: *Bing*. You’ve got telepathic mail.
>
> -Chapter 10-
> ________________________________________________________________
> As the floating
vehicle rested just above the
> Isle,
LAURIE: It’s a hovercraft
now? Argh! I don’t get this stuff!
> a figure wearing all
black jumped out
DOUG: Rent-a-Ninja.
> and headed through
> the
forest of rotting and fallen trees.
SARAH: Beautiful
> One of these days the
> group
was going to have to clean this place up.
TOM: But first, they’d have to
buy a lot of Orange Clean.
>
The figure
> couldn't think of that
now, though-
BRIAN: He was more concerned
with the lack of eyeholes in his mask.
> he was here on a very
vital
> mission.
LAURIE: To win the Diabolik Look-Alike Contest.
> Without his Linka,
SARAH: So now we have Wheeler
deep in co-dependency with Linka, Ma-Ti determined to
rescue her, and some random ninja after her, too.
TOM: Uh... I think Wheeler’s
the ninja.
DOUG: You’re kidding.
TOM: I wish I was...
> there would be no way
to summon
> Captain Planet and
LAURIE: Then the Planeteers might actually have to *do* something.
DOUG: What’s Wheeler’s
qualification as a ninja? Watching every
episode of ‘Naruto’?
TOM: Just... just try not to
think about it.
> bring down Zarn
DOUG: This story was written
in haste.
> for the time being!
BRIAN: Man... It’s pretty sad
when you *expect* your superhero to fail.
>
Slowly,
> he
noticed sleeping figures all over the ground in the woods and
> at
the front of the fortress.
LAURIE: Clearly, Jigglypuff had been here.
> Good thing Ma-Ti and Sonia came
> along,
he thought,
SARAH: So they could read the
guards this story.
> I'll
have to thank them when I get Linka out
> of
this. He made a mental note as he spied the door open a
> crack.
TOM: (Wheeler) “Note to self -
they are wasting heat by leaving that door open.”
> Deciding taking that route would be too risky
for both
> Linka
and him,
BRIAN: Why? It’s not like he’s bringing along his
personal marching band.
> he analized
DOUG: This story was written
in haste by an author with absolutely no deadline.
> for another way into
the compound.
LAURIE: Ring the doorbell and
fall through the trap door. It always
worked for Daffy.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Linka
had been nearly dozing, despite the fact that she was a
> prisoner
to this madman,
TOM: I think we should all
just accept now that the author forgot Zarm had
god-like powers and will probably come out swinging a baseball bat in the big
showdown.
DOUG: You mean ‘Zarn’?
> when she heard a
noise above her head.
SARAH: Damn. Rats in the vent again.
> When she looked up,
the vent directly above her was moving and
> clanking.
SARAH: *Big* rats!
> She almost called for Wheeler, but then
remembered
> where
she was.
BRIAN: It was a no-clinginess
zone.
> Then she was glad that she had not been bound,
as
> she
was good at knocking bad guys out with her gut-busting
> kicks.
LAURIE: Since that episode
you’ll never see.
SARAH: What, punching not
girly enough?
DOUG: In the words of the most
pandering, pathetic video game ad every, ‘She kicks high...’
SARAH: Ugh. Don’t remind me.
> If whoever it was trying to get in was another
of Zarm's
> goons,
(ALL laugh.)
TOM: I don’t know many
villains who have their minions break in to reach the captives.
> they were going to find themselves at the other end of
> the
room.
DOUG: As they chased her
around and around and around.
> Getting out of the chair, she poised herself
for
> attack.
BRIAN: (Linka,
half-singing) “Gonna rise up, gonna
kick a little ass...”
> The vent moved and then disappeared inside.
SARAH: It’s a giant
vacuum! Run!
>
Come on
> down!
Linka thought,
ALL: (unison) You’re the next contestant on ‘The Price Is Right’!
> You're the next punching bag for Linka's
> right
foot!
TOM: And mud mat for the left
foot.
SARAH: I liked ours better.
> The thought almost made her laugh.
LAURIE: And *that* thought
almost made her cry.
> Just when she
> thought the creep was
about to pop down through the vent,
DOUG: His big ol’ butt got stuck.
>
a
> handsome,
very familiar, very determined face with red hair
> showed up.
SARAH: Wally West? We’re saved!
(BRIAN & LAURIE look at
SARAH.)
SARAH: Yeah, I defected,
too. So what?
> "Wheeler?" Linka almost shouted for
joy, restraining
> herself
with
BRIAN: A sash made from a seat
belt.
> the fact that they
were still in Zarm's fortress,
LAURIE: And that it was Quiet
Hours.
SARAH: C’mon, they *never*
enforce those.
> turning it into a
whisper.
>
> Landing soundlessly on
his feet,
TOM: His spine cracking like
brittle wood...
> a trick Kwame had taught him
> when
he learned
DOUG: The fine art of the
assassin?
> self-defense karate,
DOUG: And the fine art of the
assassin.
> Wheeler looked relieved to
> her.
TOM: No ‘relieving’ jokes,
*please*.
> "Ma-Ti used the Heart ring and found you
were safe, but
> afraid,
SARAH: And hungry, and bored,
and itchy.
> and he gave your message to me."
LAURIE: (Wheeler) “No more
Miracle Whip from now on, I promise.”
> he whispered to her.
"I
> wish we could kiss
now,
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “But your
breath smells like a rendering plant.”
> but Zarn
DOUG: Zarm.
> would catch us and kill us
> both."
SARAH: But not before forcing
you to watch every episode of ‘American Idol’ ever aired as torture.
>
> "Ah, Wheeler, I
am so glad you are here with me.
TOM: (Linka)
“Now we can be captives together! Won’t
that be fun?”
>
Let's get out
> of here- there's not
time enough for us to stay and talk now."
> she
replied.
BRIAN: (Linka) “Even though we just stood here and gave a summary
of everything that just happened, we must hurry!”
>
> The door to the room
opened and a dark voice spoke. "Oh, but you
> do have, Linka!"
(ALL laugh.)
TOM: (Wheeler) “Well,
duh! I think I’d notice if I *didn’t*
have Linka.”
> Zarn
DOUG: (sighing)
Zarm.
> stood at the entrance, gun pointed at
> them,
BRIAN: Held sideways to look
cooler.
> though no guards were with him.
TOM: You kids wanna see a vintage pointless villain rant?
SARAH: Yeah, sure!
LAURIE: They usually just
shoot us nowadays.
BRIAN: This is gonna be great...
> "I'd say your
precious
> Wheeler here ought to
say his last farewells to you, and you to
> him.
Hah! So you thought that by whispering, I would not hear
> you,
huh? Well, had you been smart enough to stay away from
> here,
you wouldn't be in this predicament, Wheeler! How clever
> for
you to have your Ma-Ti friend lull my comrades to sleep with
> his
Heart ring, too! Well, with what I'll do to both of you,
> there will be no need
for a Heart ring-induced sleep!"
(KIDS applaud.)
DOUG: It’s like Mojo Jojo’s speaking cadence
mixed with Engrish.
Poetry. Pure poetry.
TOM: The speech probably
lulled ‘em to sleep.
That’s longer than most.
>
> "Or, with what I
shall do to you, you will actually need a Heart
> ring- and
medication-induced sleep!" came a femanine voice
BRIAN: (Zarm)
“Oh, good! That must be my new love
interest! She talks just like me!”
> from
> behind
Zarn.
DOUG: (annoyed) Zarm...
> As he turned to look at the newcomer, a fist
> collided with his face
SARAH: That wasn’t a fist -
that was MEATBALL!
> and, when combined with his head hitting
> the
floor,
LAURIE: Killed him instantly.
> knocked him unconcious.
TOM: That’s what normally
happens when a skull cracks open, right?
> Looking at Zarn,
DOUG: *Zarm!*
>
their
> heroine
said,
SARAH: (heroine) “Awesome! It looks like Gallagher thought his head was
a melon! I rock!”
> "Well, that's at least one less jerk for
me to
> deal with. Oh, and by
the way, I'm Amazoness, Linka."
BRIAN: Cap’s new lady friend.
DOUG: Who probably looks like
a blue Wonder Woman.
>
> "Huh? How did you..." Linka
started.
>
> "Let's just say
that,
LAURIE: (Amazoness)
“The author couldn’t decide between a love story for you two and a new team of Planeteers, so she decided to split the difference and
recast me as your dues ex machina.”
> while Zarn had expected Wheeler to come to
> your
rescue, he didn't know about me and therefore didn't know
> what hit him- or who,
in his case."
DOUG: I’d point it out, but
it’s not worth it. No one’s listening -
or reading.
TOM: She’s already wittier
than Cap.
> Linka smirked at Amazoness,
> but
not unkindly-
TOM: She knew it’d be an act
of mercy to kill her.
> Captain Planet was definitely going to enjoy
> having a girlfriend
like Amazoness.
SARAH: This is the mindset of
your typical fanboy who thinks Superman and Wonder
Woman should hook up just because they’re both strong.
> "Well, let's get out of here
> and
get your hero!
BRIAN: (Amazoness)
“You want turkey, ham, or veggie?”
> It looks like this place needs a good clean-
> up,"
LAURIE: Super-Janitor to the
rescue!
DOUG: Fear the might of... the
Custodian!
> Amazoness said, pointing her thumb towards Zarm.
DOUG: (after a long pause) I
honestly don’t know if I should laugh or cry.
SARAH: Oh, their hero must
work with one of those crime scene clean-up places.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> The trio sauntered up
to the rest, Wheeler holding Linka's hand.
BRIAN: (Wheeler) “Here, honey,
I’ll keep it in ice for you.”
> Neither were embarrassed
to be doing so,
TOM: Even though they could be
stoned for it? Wow.
> although the others
> seemed a bit surprised
to see Wheeler being so affectionate.
SARAH: He usually just told
her to shut up and make his frozen pot pie dinners.
> Clearing his throat, Kwame said, "Well, now that Wheeler and
> Linka
are with us now,
LAURIE: (Kwame)
“If they’re done with this kidnapping, ninja-rescue *nonsense*...”
> let our powers
combine! Earth!"
BRIAN: Will one day be ruled
by squivens.
> "Fire!"
SARAH: Don’t listen! He was sent by the bosses to wreck the union
meeting! Nothing’s burning!
> "Wind!"
TOM: What you get after eating
cucumbers?
> "Water!"
LAURIE: Should not taste slimy,
no matter what Dasani says.
> "Heart!"
DOUG: Really sucked once they
started doing nothing but ballads.
TOM: That really bugs you,
doesn’t it?
DOUG: Broke my heart,
man. Broke my heart.
SARAH: (suspiciously) Was that an attempt at a pun?
DOUG: (long pause) Oops.
> With
a swirl of color and elements,
TOM: Puce, eggplant, thalium, and boron.
> the champion appeared
and,
> of
course, spoke his introductory words before getting to work.
LAURIE: You *know* it’s tedious
when the element roll call isn’t skipped but *this* is.
> Captain Planet was
very pleased with the fact that he now had a
> companion
to help him-
BRIAN: (Cap) “Finally, after
all these years, a *hot* sidekick!”
> his only hope now was
that she felt
> likewise.
SARAH: Somewhere, a Gaia and
Cap shipper is reading this and has steam pouring out of their ears in
rage. And that alone makes this story
strangely worthwhile.
> What was he feeling just now?
BRIAN: Taco
> His thoughts and
> emotions
ran wildly inside him-
DOUG: He thought of sneakers
and felt angry.
> he had never seen
such a
> beautiful
being in his life!
LAURIE: (Cap) “She looks like
me but with lady parts! Oh, glory day!”
>
> When they had finished
sending Zarm, his company
TOM: Zarm
Amalgamated, a division of EvilCo.
>
and his
> fortress
back to outer space where he came from,
SARAH: Canon? We don’t need no
stinking canon!
>
Captain Planet
> looked at Amazoness,
BRIAN: (Cap) “Man, we just
saved a load of cash by not showing that fight scene, huh?”
LAURIE: (Amazoness)
“I’ll say. Now let’s go to Chik-Fil-A and get some shakes!”
> who looked back at
him, emotions showing in
> each
other's eyes.
DOUG: Repulsion chief among
them.
> He silently cupped her chin and said,
TOM: (Cap) “You’re cute, but
you really need a depilatory.”
>
"Have
> you
ever wondered, beautiful Amazoness, what it feels
like when
> you fall in
love?"
SARAH: If everyone around you
starts power-puking at every sentence you say, that’s usually a good first
indicator.
>
> She looked like a
schoolgirl who had just gotten her first
> crush,
LAURIE: (Amazoness,
smacking her lips) “Hmm... this orange soda’s pretty good.”
> as she told him,
"Until today, I have always wondered
> silently,
Captain Planet."
BRIAN: Mostly because she
didn’t exist till the meat made her.
>
> Leaning closer, he
said, "I guess we both know how it feels now,
> then."
DOUG: Really, really boring!
> Suddenly things became like a scene from a
romance movie.
SARAH: Okay, that’s it. (stands up and walks
towards the exit)
DOUG: Where are you going?
SARAH: (from off-screen) The level of slush in this is already sickening. If they’re gonna do
a romance pastiche, I’ve gotta go before I need a
barf bucket.
TOM: We’ll call you when it’s
over, okay?
SARAH: (off-screen) Sure.
> He leaned in further, she got on her tip-toes,
LAURIE: So she’s a short
Amazon?
DOUG: I guess that explains
using the diminutive.
> and they kissed-
> even
her foot,
TOM: He kissed her foot? Weird...
> which had been on the
ground until now, popped
> up!
BRIAN: Shot off her leg right
into the air and came back down on his head.
> They
didn't even notice the Planeteers watching them until
DOUG: They heard them all
groaning and laughing.
> they
both, even though superheroes, stopped to get air.
LAURIE: Super-face-sucking -
one of the least used powers in existence.
>
All they
> did was smile-
TOM: The oxygen deprivation
left them too dim to do anything else.
> they were happy, as
were Wheeler and Linka.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
BRIAN: Hey, Sarah, get in
here! It’s over!
LAURIE: You sure?
BRIAN: Sssh!
> "Planeteers!
(SARAH re-enters.)
SARAH: It better be. I don’t wanna see
blue-skinned dorks having kissy-time. (sits down)
> Have you retrieved Linka
from Misery Isle?
TOM: (Planeteer)
“No, but we cloned her, so it’s okay.”
>
And who
> is that handsome young
man all dressed in black?"
LAURIE: (Gaia, sweetly) “If
he’s gothy, I’ll have to kill him for being
evil. I *hope* he’s not evil.”
>
said the image
> of
Gaia on the Geo-Cruiser screen,
DOUG: Blocking out the huge
mountain right in their path.
> good humor in her
voice and
> manor-
BRIAN: She’d eaten an entire
box of Strawberry Shortcake bars.
> she knew who the guy in the black duds was, but was only
> teasing them.
LAURIE: Except for the killing
goths part.
>
> "Eh,
Gaia!
TOM: The previously
unmentioned Canadian Planeteer.
> This here's Wheeler- you don't recognize
him?"
DOUG: (Planeteer)
“Surely you could see the dim expression, the vacant eyes, the overall aura of
sub-human stupidity...”
> asked
> Matthew the
Australian,
SARAH: Between wrestling a
giant snake, drinking a huge can of Foster’s, and eating from a jar of
Vegemite.
> in an equally teasing
voice.
BRIAN: Ten bucks says he has
the worst Ochre accent you ever heard.
>
Linka
and
> Wheeler pouted
LAURIE: Why?
> and then laughed,
BRIAN: I think they just
skipped their meds again.
> causing Gaia and Gaius,
who was
> with
Gaia as they spoke, to laugh themselves.
TOM: Man, the clones in ‘Clonus’ weren’t this pathetically dim, even *after* the
lobotomies!
>
> "Actually, I have
a message for Kathrine."
DOUG: Turns out you’re still
in this story. Oh, and your name
changed.
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“Ah, merde!”
> said Gaius, who felt
> it
necessary to let the young Frenchwoman know a few facts
> before
she returned to
TOM: The creator of Wonder
Woman invented an early form of polygraph.
DOUG: The plain-text
substitute for an umlaut is to add an ‘e’ behind the marked vowel.
BRIAN: Adding citric acid in
any form to milk will make it curdle.
SARAH: The Great Dane comes
from
LAURIE: Lilies are in the same
plant family as onions.
> "It appears your birth
> mother,
Barbara Blight, has recovered from her allergy
> temporarilly.
BRIAN: Turns out they make
shots for ‘chemicals made up on the fly’ allergies.
> She has asked the government, however,
LAURIE: To bend the rules and
let her own more than four cats.
>
to make
it
> look like she died
anyway
SARAH: So she could throw a
bitching theme party with the coffin.
> and to give her a new
identity,
TOM: A beautiful, daring
housewife turned international spy.
> so you
> won't have to go by
your old last name anymore.
DOUG: (Gaius)
“We’ve arranged for your new name of Kathrina Finsterbocker to be used from this day forward.”
>
"I will try to
> do my best in
explaining things to the rest of you,
SARAH: All none of you that
care.
>
but for
now,
> come on back to
TOM: (drawling) Come on down
to the ol’ homestead.
> Gaia and I have decided to get
> married
LAURIE: Man, they really *are*
pairing everyone off in this story!
DOUG: It’s not so much a fanfic as a guide to a Planeteer
breeding program.
> and are inviting all of you, plus Captain Planet and
> Amazoness,
to our wedding feast,
SARAH: (Gaia) “But none of the
girls are allowed to eat. Not if they
want to be a bridesmaid.”
> which is all prepared
for you.
BRIAN: Sitting in direct
sunlight for the last six hours...
> Hurry fast, and we
shall see you all soon."
>
> After
the interaction ended,
TOM: Well, the ‘sit still and
listen to the infodump’, maybe.
> Ma-Ti gently asked Kathrina
the
> question
that was on all of their minds:
DOUG: (Ma-Ti) “Wait, I thought
this was about Wheeler and Linka’s all-consuming
love. What are *you* still doing here?”
> "What is going on?"
>
> -Chapter 11-
> ________________________________________________________________
> Kathrina
sighed, resigning to tell her story.
TOM: (sighing) Great. Get comfy, kids...
> "Oui, of course
I
> will tell everyone.
BRIAN: She has a press
conference at
SARAH: Just like Bud Dwyer.
> But I need your promise to listen
> completely,
even if you find yourselves
LAURIE: Nodding off.
> not believing me." All
> nodded in agreement,
so she began.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Kathrina:
ALL: Gah!
DOUG: Could you please warn us
when you switch to script format?
> I myself have just
recently found out about this.
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“This wonderful new cleanser that smells just like the orange farm in
‘Horizons’.”
>
When I was
> born, the woman you
know as Barbara Blight was Kathrina Meaux.
TOM: She changed her name to
sound less ridiculous.
LAURIE: Oh, she’s Kathrina Junior. KJ.
> She wasn't able to
take care of me,
BRIAN: She kept taking the
baby to a mechanic and asking for an oil change.
> so she gave me over
to her
> sister-in-law,
Serenity Draeux.
SARAH: I can’t believe you’re
not weeping over the faux-French naming, Doug.
DOUG: She was Serena in the
prologue. So far we’ve had Zarm-Zarn, Kathrina-Katherine,
and now this. You expect a writer who
can’t keep the characters’ names straight to handle a foreign language?
SARAH: You mean you’re
actually *learning*? I am shocked.
> For years, I believed that I was
> Serenity's daughter,
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“And that I’d rule the
> but always wondered
why I felt so attached
> to
"Aunt Barb."
TOM: You were usually both
really staticky.
> I became a Planeteer
when I recieved a famanine
> ring
(DOUG twitches violently in
his seat.)
SARAH: Ah. There’s the grammar obsessive we all know and
tolerate.
> of Earth, like Kwame has a
masculine one.
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“That means we have to get married.”
BRIAN: (Kwame)
“Huh?”
> Once I was
> initiated with the
others,
SARAH: Turns out the Planeteers do ‘pinning’.
> though, Serenity said
that Aunt Barb
> was going to be very
mad with me,
TOM: (Kathrina)
“Since she wanted me to be a Freemason instead.”
> because she hated the
> Planeteers.
DOUG: They kept stealing the
TV section of her paper and walking across her lawn.
> She never told me that,
LAURIE: (whiny) But you just
said she *did*...
> soon after I joined
all of
> you,
my "aunt"
BRIAN: Can we get a flow chart
to keep track of which aunt is which in this flashback?
> fell ill from an unusual allergy
SARAH: To oxygen.
>
to the
> ingredient
in gasoline called gashol.
TOM: Just when we thought her
allergy to nonsensoleum had finally cleared, this
came along.
>
> A few weeks ago,
Serenity and Uncle Mark
SARAH: So people in this
family have painfully ordinary names or fantasy names?
> died in a car crash, no
> thanks
to Hoggish Greedly, the old drunk.
LAURIE: Since when was he a drunk?
BRIAN: Since they discovered
how to distill gin from gravy.
DOUG: Mmm...
smooth, dry, and meaty.
> I
couldn't bear to
> stay in that house,
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“They had tacky
> so I moved all of my
things to
TOM: Through an Acme-brand
Portable Hole.
> taking time to visit
"Barb".
SARAH: And bring her (finger
quotes) “mums”.
> Well, last Friday, before I became
> an
official resident on
DOUG: Gotta
wonder what the Postal code is for there...
BRIAN: I think they just fling
the mail with a catapult and hope it hits.
> I was visiting with "Aunt"
> Barb,
LAURIE: These “quotes” are
“inconsistent” and “annoying”.
SARAH: Yeah, it’s pretty
“distracting”.
> as usual, when she told me how she gave me over to
> Serenity to raise me
TOM: (Kathrina)
“And that besides being a Planeteer, I’m also Sailor
Sun.”
> and that she did so
both for my sake and
> for
hers.
BRIAN: She said “some boats
don’t need anchors” and left it at that.
> For my sake, because she couldn't take care of
me,
DOUG: Even though she had
every baby-raising book ever written. It
was just too confusing.
> and
> for
her sake, because she wasn't quite able to take care of
> herself,
LAURIE: Because she never
learned how to ride a bike.
> even though she was a
big time scientist.
TOM: Three words - Doctor
Clayton Forrester.
>
I remember,
> just
before she went into a coma,
SARAH: (Kathrina)
“She asked me to switch on ‘The Gong Show’ so she could see her beloved
Gene-Gene the Dancing Machine one last time.”
> she told me that she
was proud
> of
me because I became a Planeteer!
BRIAN: It’d make trying to
kill them fresh and new again!
> I know you all have a hard
> time
believing me.
DOUG: (Planeteer)
“Not really. Most of our tragic new Planeteers are Blight’s kids. You’re, like, the fifth.”
> She told me to tell you all something, but
> she
went into a coma before she got the chance to tell me the
> message.
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“But knowing her, it’d have profanity that could make a sailor blush.”
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: And that concludes “Kathrina’s Origin”, a one-woman show starring Kathrina!
(KIDS applaud.)
>
> -Chapter 12-
> ________________________________________________________________
> Despite the events of
the past two days, Wheeler and Linka were
> content.
BRIAN: Everyone else was
completely miserable.
> As they held hands walking along the beach,
however,
> someone
else was on their minds-
SARAH: The turkey
vultures. Man, there were a lot of
turkey vultures lately.
> Kathrina.
TOM: Funny, I was actually
hoping to avoid doing this for this story, but...
ALL: Oh, of *course*.
> They were kind to her
> because
Gaia and Gaius had asked them to
DOUG: but in private, their
disgust with her led them to jointly plot her death.
> and Ma-Ti had used
his
> Heart ring to
LAURIE: Make everyone love and
forgive her.
SARAH: Watch it - that’s
probably coming.
> detect if there was anything else she was
hiding,
BRIAN: Aside from her massive
collection of naughty costumes and props.
> but
he found nothing.
TOM: Kathrina
was as hollow as hollow could be.
>
> "Wheeler?"
>
> "Yes,
Babe?"
LAURIE: (Linka)
“Wasn’t this story about us a chapter and a half ago?”
>
> "What do you
think about Kathrina?"
BRIAN: Objection! Leading the witness!
>
> "She's nice-
SARAH: (Wheeler) “For a
subplot.”
> she's already proven
herself to be
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Excellent at
leading a square dance.”
>
a good friend
to
> everyone
on
BRIAN: But people in
> I just wish Sonia were nicer towards
> her
and the rest of us.
SARAH: Now, was Sonia the
British one? I lost my ‘New Planeteer Field Guide’.
TOM: I think she was the
Mexican one.
BRIAN: No, she’s Linka’s time-traveling daughter.
LAURIE: Linka
doesn’t have a time-traveling daughter in this story.
DOUG: Not *yet*.
> I understand that she's
TOM: A footnote in the “Definitive
Here’s My Heart Omnibus”?
>
still
adjusting
> to
her new environment,
SARAH: (Wheeler) “You saw how
long it took her to stop falling into the snake pit...”
> but she acts as if
it's Kathrina's fault
> that her mother was
Dr. Blight."
BRIAN: Shh! That’s the big reveal for the sequel, “Here’s
My Time Machine”.
>
> Linka
nodded in agreement.
LAURIE: What, that Sonia’s
right?
> The other seven, not counting Sonia,
> were thinking
likewise.
TOM: And Sonia just thought
the others were jerkasses.
> "I remember when you were like Sonia,
DOUG: Female and ethnic?
> except
she has a good background
BRIAN: Daughter of
> and you had to fight
to
> survive.
SARAH: Oh, so he’s from
> I'm surprised that she claims to be more
mature than
> the
rest of us."
TOM: (Linka)
“All because she *voluntarily* removed her brain slug.”
>
> Even Gaia, who heard
them talking,
LAURIE: She taught Ma-Ti
everything he knew about eavesdropping.
> found herself
thinking.
BRIAN: (Gaia) “I wonder if
‘Monk’ is on tonight...”
>
I
> guess Gaius was thinking another person
DOUG: Thinking them into
existence. He’s just that strong.
> when he sent the
> femanine Heart ring to Mexico, she decided.
TOM: He should’ve aimed for
> Sonia had never been
> very
happy about becoming a Planeteer.
SARAH: But that’s just because
she valued her free will
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> "Gaia, I must
tell you something about the femanine Heart
ring."
LAURIE: (whover)
“I ate it.”
> said Gaius to his soon-to-be bride.
SARAH: *Designated*
bride. Get it right.
>
> "Please do, Gaius-
TOM: (Gaia) “I need something
to help me fall asleep.”
> there has been
something strange going on
> with Sonia ever since
she came to
BRIAN: What with those weird
white bricks she keeps trading for money and all.
>
Gaia replied
> concernedly.
>
> "Sonia was not
the one I had sent the ring to- it was her sister
> Amelia,
who recieved it."
SARAH: (Gaia, shocked) “No!”
> The words came as no surprise to Gaia.
SARAH: Dammit,
again?
> "It seems that
when Sonia saw the ring on her sister's hand,
DOUG: (Gaius)
“She would up hacking her finger off for a scam but couldn’t bear to put the
ring into the chili and ruin it.”
> she
> waited until Amelia
went on a trip with some friends, knowing
> that
she'd always leave her jewelry behind.
TOM: Right on top of the huge
pile of money in the corner.
> Once in posession of
> the
ring,
SARAH: Let’s all just declare
a moratorium on “Lord of the Rings” references, okay?
> Sonia was brought here by Matthew
BRIAN: This is why you need to
go straight to the pawn shop with your stolen rings of power. You’ll be forced into Planteering.
> and was mistaken for
> Amelia until she
demanded that we all call her by her name.
LAURIE: (Gaius)
“We weren’t about to use the ‘your royal and most drop-dead gorgeousness’ part,
though.”
>
She
> started behaving like
this towards everyone,
TOM: In all of the fabled lost
chapters.
> especially Kathrina
> after
she explained to everyone her true history."
SARAH: Sonia’s just jealous
she didn’t get the big reveal first.
>
> "We need to send
her back to
DOUG: (Gaia) “In a body bag.”
> and get Amelia here."
BRIAN: (Gaia) “Kicking and
screaming, if we must.”
>
> "I've already
done that-
LAURIE: (Gaius)
“Look over there! It’s Amelia - say
‘hi’, Amelia!”
> Matthew is already heading back with
> the
femanine Heart ring's true owner.
TOM: Under heavy sedation.
SARAH: After reading this
story?
> They ought to arrive at
> any
time."
BRIAN: (Gaius)
“Oh, as for Sonia... Trust me, don’t ask.
You’ll be a lot happier.”
>
> -Epilogue-Three and a
Half Months Later
SARAH: The Planeteer
breeding program still wasn’t quite working.
> ________________________________________________________________
> Linka,
wearing a Mardis Gras sun mask
and dressed as a Grecian
> goddess,
DOUG: Looked hopelessly out of
place in the Wal-Mart gardening section.
> was sitting at a table at
TOM: The “Let’s Make a Deal”
theme restaurant.
SARAH: Take the box
lunch! The box lunch!
DOUG: Order number three! Order number three!
> the masquerade party
for
> Captain Planet's and Amazoness's wedding.
LAURIE: Wait, what about Gaia
and her twin?
BRIAN: Oh, they broke up
months ago.
LAURIE: Really?!
BRIAN: I can’t believe you
missed it - it was all over the tabloids, Chyna was
involved... it was *bad*.
> She did not notice the
> figure
coming towards her,
SARAH: Carrying a humongous
butterfly net.
> wearing a mask that hid only the eyes
> and
outlined the cheekbones, a tuxedo, a black velvet cape, and
> white
handgloves,
TOM: Run! It’s the Motorama
Kidnapper!
LAURIE: Worse, it’s an evil
Tuxedo Mask! He’ll read you bad poetry.
> until he was right
beside her.
SARAH: (figure, slyly) “Guess
who’s touching you...”
>
He held his
> right
hand behind his back,
DOUG: Uh-oh...
LAURIE: This isn’t gonna turn into a slasher fic after all that mushy Hallmark romance, is it?
TOM: That’s the horror of fanfic - you never know.
SARAH: (excited) *I* hope
so...
> but motioned for her
to dance with
> him,
BRIAN: (figure, bad Bela Lugosi accent) “Come to me,
my darlink.”
> to which she agreed. As the music started,
SARAH: Linka
realized she’d been tricked into doing the Electric Slide.
>
she
recognized
> it
from Kathrina's Out of
DOUG: Non-stop for the past
month. Even in her *sleep*.
> the
day they met her and the others, minus Amelia, who arrived
> two days later.
TOM: Thanks for that recap of
*everything we just read*!
>
> "I love this
song, Linka!" Kathrina
had said. "It is called
SARAH: ‘Brandy’!
> 'Here's My Heart'.
BRIAN: Dingdingding! We finally have title!
> Listen, Linka! Just
listen!"
LAURIE: (Kathrina)
“Just sit still and listen! Stop that
breathing - it’s distracting!”
>
> Linka
and the figure, a figure that Linka knew was
TOM: Kwame?
BRIAN: Gaius?
DOUG: Zarm?
LAURIE: Greedley?
SARAH: Anyone *but* Wheeler,
for a change?
>
Wheeler,
(ALL groan.)
SARAH: I know it should be
obvious. It’s just that it’s *so*
obvious...
> simply
swayed to the music
BRIAN: They were both
completely devoid of rhythm.
> and the lyrics seemed
to reflect what
> was in their hearts.
LAURIE: Gee, with it being the
title and all, I’d never guess that.
>
> Dear love, are you
there,
TOM: I locked myself out
again.
> Listening to me,
DOUG: No, of course not. TV’s on.
> how I'm scared.
TOM: It’s cold, and I hear
wolves...
> I don't know exactly
what to say.
SARAH: But this card that
plays Bee Gees’ songs might.
> I've been told that you love
> me,
LAURIE: No matter what you and
your stupid (mockingly) *restraining order* say.
> Hear me when I call,
DOUG: And mute the fricking TV for once.
> Would help me when I fall.
TOM: No. You’re thirty-two. If you don’t know how to ride a bike by now,
you never will.
> I'd never get in your
way.
SARAH: I see you didn’t take
the bathroom into account.
> What I guess I'm
trying to say, that I need you in my life
BRIAN: Because doing laundry
scares me.
> I know I'm tired of
living in the past.
LAURIE: Especially since the
people at
> I'd like to take a
chance on a change down deep inside.
DOUG: And finally get that sex
change.
> I believe that this is
one that's gonna last.
SARAH: Well, if it’s a sex
change, I’d hope it would.
DOUG: Oh, you approve of that
one?
SARAH: Yeah, but don’t push
it.
> So here it is.
TOM: Folks at home, this one’s
all yours. It’s just an embarrassment of
riches.
>
> Here's my heart; it's
been broken, it's been wounded,
BRIAN: It had a catheter
snaked through it to clean out the fat.
> But I'll give it all
to you if you would love me (love me).
LAURIE: (desperately) Love
me... love me... *love me*!
> Here's my life; if you
want it, you can have it.
TOM: Man, those are bound to
be *someone’s* famous last words.
> I will give it all to
you because you love me
LAURIE: Hey, I never confirmed
that!
> (your love is
DOUG: A bitter, hollow lie?
> Everything I need)
BRIAN: From now on, we’re
eating love.
>
> Dear one, I'm right
here,
TOM: Still locked out. And now it’s raining.
> through your worries,
through your
> fears.
SARAH: As the source of both.
> I've been waiting, for
you to call my name.
(ALL cough, giggle, whistle
innocently again, etc.)
> Oh you know that I
hear you-
LAURIE: These walls are
thinner than tissue paper.
> if you turn to me and
trust what I
> Say's true,
BRIAN: Then you’ll be a
hopeless sucker.
> you'll never be the
same.
SARAH: You’ll spontaneously
turn into a wacky talking chimp.
> Well I'm standing here
to say,
TOM: I *really* wish you’d
unlock the door already.
> that you need me in
your life,
DOUG: Huh. News to me.
> Cause
I know we cannot make it on our own.
LAURIE: Like hell! I’m the new Mary Richards!
> Oh if you would take a
chance, let me change you deep inside.
DOUG: Uh...
SARAH: Okay, no more sex
change jokes.
DOUG: Agreed.
> I promise you will
never be alone.
BRIAN: Even when you really,
*really* want to be...
> So here it is.
TOM: Oh, look! Another chance!
>
> Here's my heart; it's
been broken, it's been wounded,
LAURIE: But I Gorilla Glued it, so it should be fine.
> But I'll give it all
to you if you would love me (love me).
SARAH: No, thanks - I can’t
eat a whole heart by myself.
> Here's my life; if you
want it, you can have it.
DOUG: but first you’d need to
get one. Zing!
> I will give it all to
you because you love me
BRIAN: And ‘cuz you’re having a garage sale tomorrow.
> (your love is
> Everything I need)
TOM: I just need your love and
this chair and this paddleball game and this lamp and *nothing else*!
>
> You can turn to me and
know that I am always standing by.
SARAH: I’ll be perched on your
shoulder like a parrot.
> I gave it all for you
so you could have me always by your side.
LAURIE: Oh, you really,
*really* shouldn’t have. *Really*.
> I will follow you,
DOUG: Like a retarded puppy.
> 'cause I believe you're everything I need.
BRIAN: Dude, it’s not mutual.
LAURIE: Yeah. I need you like I need a hole in the head.
SARAH: Uh... Laurie?
> You are my beloved,
you are my hero,
TOM: The way you killed that spricket - you’re so brave.
> and in the matters of
the
> Heart I am taking
yours and you are taking mine.
DOUG: Forced Valentines.
SARAH: Eek! There’s a dead parakeet in this!
>
> Here's my heart; it's
been broken, it's been wounded,
BRIAN: It got thrown in the
wash with my jeans.
> But I'll give it all
to you if you would love me (love me).
DOUG: If not, Madame Lulu’s
girls get it instead.
> Here's my life; if you
want it , you can have it.
TOM: I wasn’t really using it.
> I will give it all to
you because you love me.
LAURIE: Or at least quietly
tolerate me.
>
> The
chorus continued three more times,
SARAH: What I’m gonna say is genuine.
*Thank you so much* for not writing out all three repetitions. Honestly.
> but instead of
continuing
> their
dance, Wheeler got down on one knee
BRIAN: His left calf tended to
go limp every so often.
> and brought out what
> he
had been holding behind his back-
DOUG: (Wheeler) “Sickness bag,
my darling?”
> a white rose with a
diamond
> ring
around the stem.
LAURIE: Man, that thing’s gotta have thorns that could cut glass.
> That alone sent Wheeler's message to
> Linka:
TOM: “I couldn’t find any
ribbon, so I used your favorite ring.
That okay?”
> "Will you marry me, my Linka?"
>
> The kiss she gave him
was answer enough:
SARAH: But for the denser
members of the audience, here it is.
> "Da, my
Wheeler- I will
> marry you!"
>
> The scene that was
unfolding
BRIAN: Might have been sappy,
but it made their relationship look better than everyone else’s. I mean, at least they have an *engagement*.
DOUG: The others went to that
drive-thru place in Vegas.
> spoke only a few words between them
> both:
"I love you forever!"
SARAH: The setting can
talk? I’m confused...
TOM: (As DOUG picks him up)
Trust me - don’t think about it.
>
(ALL exit.)
[BRIDGE. ALL are
standing around behind the desk.]
TOM: Y’know,
it’s tradition to end on a song.
DOUG: We know, and we’ll try,
but...
TOM: But what?
SARAH: Well, for starters, we
could only agree on one song.
BRIAN: And it’s kind of
obscure.
LAURIE: And the new lyrics
aren’t that good.
TOM: C’mon, a stupid premise
never stopped us before! Cue the music!
[The music starts, to the
tune of “It’s All Been Done” by Barenaked
Ladies. Appropriately, ALL start to
dance a bit in place.]
LAURIE:
I intro’d as a main character
But my team’s book was dull as dishwater
All I can be right now
Is a martyr for my old pals
ALL: (Doo doo doo!)
We’re just C-list (doo doo doo)
Come next crisis (doo doo doo)
We’ll be C-list fodder!
BRIAN:
I was just padding the rival team
Even my powers were last-minute, it seemed
My biggest character reveal
Was on a message board - for real!
ALL: (Doo doo doo!)
We’re just C-list (doo doo doo)
Come next crisis (doo doo doo)
We’ll be C-list fodder!
DOUG:
And if your writer’s editor
And character is beyond her
You can just kiss your butt good-bye (starts to break melody)
‘Cuz, let’s face it, there weren’t
any of those letters-
TOM: Let it go, man. It’s been twenty years.
DOUG: You think that makes it
*easier*?
SARAH: Shut up and sing, whiny-pants.
ALL: (Doo doo doo!)
We’re just C-list (doo doo doo)
Come next crisis (doo doo doo)
We’ll be C-list fodder!
SARAH:
And I never got to say a single damn word
A yearbook entry was all that was heard
Was I nice? Was I a
cow?
Guess no one will know now...
ALL: (Doo doo doo!)
For funerals (doo doo doo)
Memorials (doo doo
doo)
Just list us off ‘cuz...
(Whoo!)
We’re just C-list (doo doo doo)
Come next crisis (doo doo doo)
We’re your C-list fodder!
[The music stops, and ALL stop
dancing. For a beat, the KIDS stand
around and look at nothing in particular.]
TOM: You’re right. That was bad.
[The desk
likes start to flash.]
TOM: Saved by the break! We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIALS]
--------
Part Three:
https://melashaanmst.tripod.com/mst2099f3.htm
Back to Part One:
https://melashaanmst.tripod.com/mst2099f1.htm