Mojoverse
Science Theatre 2099 by Mela
Episode 6:
Triple Feature Finale
- “Strong Spirit” by CosmicGiraffe/Hay Lin/HayLinAir
- “Here’s My Heart” by Nina Bechtold
- “Two Tainted Hearts” by Kate-chan 91
[Doors... and it’s the
theater again.]
(ALL enter and take their
seats.)
TOM: Only one more story left
and then...
SARAH: Well, let’s hope it’s a
short one.
BRIAN: And maybe just a *bit*
good for a change.
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
BRIAN: And a stone-filled
kidney.
TOM: That’s one sick Time
Lord.
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: Oh, come
on-
LAURIE: “You’re actually
reading this?”
> I’m just an AMERICAN 14-year-old
> schoolgirl;
SARAH: So, how many kids have
you had by now? Two? Three?
DOUG: Tom, can I?
TOM: Go for it.
(DOUG smacks the back of
SARAH’s head.)
SARAH: Hey!
DOUG: That was too harsh. Sorry.
> how can I be the ITALIAN Walt Disney Company
BRIAN: As opposed to the
BRAZILIAN Walt Disney Company
> that produces the
W.I.T.C.H. comic?
LAURIE: Ah, I see someone
slept through the class about the concept of ‘international’.
> Those greedy lawyers, tsk,
> tsk, tsk…
TOM: “Wait, they’re
parachuting into my yard! I take it
back! *I take it back!*”
>
> Kate-chan 91’s tidbits
(A/N):
DOUG: Funny, I thought the FDA
outlawed those.
SARAH: Is “author’s notes” too
hard now?
> First things first, I just turned
> 14 on August 25.
LAURIE: “To celebrate, I had
my brain removed.”
> (I’m so happy of myself…)
BRIAN: Yeah, letting time pass
sure is hard.
> Second, you’re
> allowed to flame
SARAH: Whoo-hoo!
> as long as its not stupid stuff,
DOUG: We’ll do our best to
give you the best flames possible.
TOM: I don’t believe this...
SARAH: I know! I never thought they’d *invite* it!
TOM: That’s not what I
meant...
>
like one-
> worded reviews or
general “YOU’RE A FUDGE-ING RETARD, FEMALE
> DOG!” flames, okay?
SARAH: Something tells me I’m
gonna *love* this story... like I *love* rap.
> If this happens, not only will I delete your
> review,
BRIAN: Oh, no! How can you be so cruel?!
> I’ll also not accept flames anymore.
LAURIE: And that makes you
different from everyone else on Fanfiction.Net... how?
> Got it?
ALL: No.
>
Okay!
(ALL groan.)
>
> Enjoy my story!
>
> Prologue: They Meet
>
> 0000
DOUG: We need the test booklet
before we can fill any of those in.
>
> It’s a typical scene
in the kitchen:
BRIAN: The oven’s on fire, the
kids are having a knife fight, and Mom’s passed out in a pool of her own
gin-filled drool.
> Five young girls eating
> chocolate chip cookies
with glasses of
SARAH: Vodka.
> white milk.
LAURIE: Drink bigots.
>
In-between
> bites and sips,
TOM: Not full-sized bites and
sips - that’s rude.
> all three are in the midst of a conversation.
DOUG: (girl) “And then says,
‘Rommel, you brilliant bastard, I read your book’!”
(OTHERS, as girls, laugh.)
> You would think it was
about the typical things teenage girls
> conversed about,
LAURIE: Ships, ceiling wax,
cabbages, and kings...
> such as boys, the latest music,
SARAH: You know, stupid vapid
girly stuff.
>
and gossips
> about someone that
allegedly did something dim-witted or awful,
BRIAN: You mean how the temp
got out of trouble for deleting two years’ worth of expenses from the boss’
spreadsheet?
> but you’d be wrong
this time;
TOM: This was a meeting of the
Junior Nietzchean Society.
> these girls are not saying such
> things.
DOUG: They are *good* and
*pure* and would *never* discuss such *base* topics!
> Instead, the girls are talking about, of all
things,
> their dreams.
LAURIE: Man, I hate when
people do that. So you dream about
French class - big deal.
>
> Oh sure, you’re
thinking why
BRIAN: Are we sitting here?
DOUG: Are you shifting point
of view?
> the girls are talking about images
> produced by their
subconscious’s,
TOM: (pause) Their
subconscious’s *what*?
> but unlike most people,
SARAH: Their dreams were
actually interesting.
LAURIE: Yeah, right.
SARAH: Hey, my roommate had
regular dreams about it raining dead birds.
Her need to tell me got me through my Creative Writing class!
>
they
> each had a similar
dream
TOM: (girl) “I dreamt I was
falling!”
DOUG: (girl) “I dreamt you
were falling, too! And you were gonna
land on me.”
> with the exact same object
BRIAN: (slowly and
condescendingly) Archetype. Jung called
it an archetype.
>
that they
> had never seen before.
LAURIE: Turned out to be a
brain.
> In fact, they had to ask Yan Lin to
> sketch it to make sure
they were not all going mad.
SARAH: (girl) “Funny, mine
didn’t look that much like a stick figure.”
>
> As they were getting
both scared & confused at the same time,
BRIAN: And running around the
table screaming in blind panic.
> the youngest girl
Cassidy’s Great-aunt Carole
DOUG: Wait, how can the great
aunt be the youngest?
> came strolling
> into the question. All
five girls suddenly stopped their
> conversation,
LAURIE: Their Johnny Depp -
Orlando Bloom slashfic would have to wait.
> but the Great-aunt just smiled,
TOM: She’d seen Yan’s picture,
and the anatomy was so wrong it was *adorable*.
> & took out an
> object from her shirt
pocket.
SARAH: Oh my God, it’s a
pistol - and it’s loaded!
>
> “Was this what you
were just talking about, hmm?” She asked the
> now just shocked
girls.
DOUG: (girl) “Ew! I thought you weren’t supposed to share that
sort of thing!”
>
> Kadma was the first to
speak,
TOM: She said ‘Mama’.
> or should I say stutter:
LAURIE: Hey, be nice to the
stutterers, okay?
>
“How-
> what-where did you get
that!” to the elderly woman.
SARAH: She’s three question
starters short, but she’s still a better inquirer than most TV reporters.
>
> The woman just
giggled.
TOM: She hadn’t known what she
was doing since the Centennial.
BRIAN: The Bicentennial?
TOM: No, the Centennial.
> “Girls, girls! This is just the Heart of
> Kandrakar!
DOUG: (Carole) “It’s on page
twelve of your Eyewitness Guide to MacGuffins.”
> Why are you all so scared?
BRIAN: (girl) “You forgot your
clothes again! Argh!”
> You should be happy that
> you are the chosen
ones to close the portals of the veil!”
LAURIE: That might actually be
why they’re scared...
SARAH: (girl) “Okay, who
forgot to mash Carole’s pills up into her oatmeal this morning?”
>
> “The what-what?”
LAURIE: The Dealie-deal.
> Nerissa asked with a raised brow.
TOM: Nerissa had a unibrow
that put Sam the Eagle to shame.
>
> “Hmm? Oh silly me, I
forgot to tell you the story!
DOUG: (Caarole) “And that
story about the guy who sleeps with the girl he thought was his sister? That was from ‘Passions’. Sorry.”
> Terribly
> sorry… Anyway…”
Great-Aunt Carole started before clearing her
> throat,
BRIAN: (Carole) “Hack...
hack-hack-hack... a-HACK... GAG-HACK!
ACK! ... Ugh, coughed up another frog...”
> “Generations, Centuries, even Millennia ago,
SARAH: (Carole) “I was born.”
>
the
> universe was one.
DOUG: (Carole) “We threw it a
big birthday party, even though it was too young to appreciate it.”
> However, one day the universe was separated
> since
LAURIE: It had married in a
rush straight out of high school.
> some people wanted to harm,
TOM: Any old thing they
saw. We called them ‘hockey fans’.
> but others wanted to help &
> have peace.
BRIAN: We just called them
‘killjoys’.
> As a result, two new worlds were created:
TOM: Target and Wal-Mart. You can guess which one’s evil.
> Kandrakar
> for the good,
SARAH: Also known as
> & Metamoor for the ones who sought
destruction.
SARAH: Also known as
DOUG: What about
SARAH: Proof that evil can
exist anywhere.
> The veil was then also
created to
LAURIE: Reduce the glare for
the evil world, since they hated sunlight.
> provide a barrier between the
> two worlds,
DOUG: One that could be cut
with a butter knife.
> sort of like the
BRIAN: (Carole) “I used to man
a turret and pick off anyone trying to cross.
Ah, memories...”
>
Every
> one thousand years
however,
TOM: Guns N Roses puts out a
new release date for ‘Chinese Democracy’.
> the veil starts to become weak, &
> holes called portals
are created.
SARAH: And moths called
monsters travel through them.
> This is where you five come
> in.
TOM: (Carole) “You’re the
bait.”
> Now,
the only one’s able to actually close these holes are
> called guardians.
LAURIE: (Carole) “They’re
legally required to be teenaged girls with ordinary lives full of ordinary
drama.”
> The guardians’ job is to close all these
> portals
BRIAN: Using those iron-on
denim patches.
TOM: Those thing never work.
BRIAN: Maybe that’s why they
have trouble every millennium.
> to keep peace & prevent anything evil to
invade the
> earth.
SARAH: (Carole) “Because Earth
alone is good and pure, and all the other worlds *must* be evil!”
> The time to act is now;
DOUG: The sale ends tomorrow,
and everything will be picked over.
> you girls must be declared
> guardians immediately
in order to
TOM: End the exposition, for
the love of God, *please*!
> get off on a good start.
LAURIE: (Carole) “A
pre-emptive genocide will show those Metamoorians who’s boss!”
>
The
> elements will be your
allies in battle & leisure
BRIAN: Never again will you
need to buy a lawn chair - the lawn will *become* your chair.
> from now on &
> forever.”
SARAH: By which time, you’ll
loathe them.
>
> She pointed the Heart
of Kandrakar to Halinor, telling her “You,
> Miss Kadma
DOUG: (Carole) “You’re Kadma,
right? You’re not?! Oh, shoot - I always do that.”
BRIAN: *Someone* did their
research after starting...
LAURIE: I get the feeling that
most ‘Old Guardians’ stories have that problem.
> will have the element of lush green earth.”
TOM: Unfortunately, she’ll now
have to mow her lawn twice as much.
>
> “You, Miss Halinor,”
she announced as she pointed it to her,
SARAH: (Carole) “Oh, *you’re*
Halinor. Okay, I think I’ve got it now.”
> “will have the element
of bright fire.”
BRIAN: Fire bright... Fire hurt!
Fire *bad*!
>
> “Miss Yan Lin, you
will have the power of free air,” she
> declared.
DOUG: Especially after eating
at Taco Bell.
>
> “My dear grandniece
Cassidy, you will have the power of
> uncontainable &
valuable water,”
TOM: (Carole) “Then we’ll send
you into the future where civilization has collapsed, and water is currency -
you’ll be a queen!”
> she announced to the red-haired
> pig-tailed Cassidy.
LAURIE: Oh, she was the model
for the Wendy’s logo.
>
> “& You, Miss
Nerissa,
DOUG: (under his breath) Grrr...
> will find out your place very soon in the
> future.
SARAH: At K-Mart’s booth when
the job fair rolls through town again.
> Hold out your palm, Miss.”
BRIAN: (Carole) “I see a
mansion and a limo and... >p-toi< there’s the swimming pool!”
> She declared & concluded by
> giving Nerissa
SARAH: A gummy peach ring.
> the Heart of Kandrakar, which was absorbed
into
> her hand.
LAURIE: (Nerissa) “Yeeeouch!”
>
> And with that she left
the room to give the girls some breathing
> room.
TOM: Her grandma-funk was
starting to stain the wallpaper.
> However, the girls left one-by-one
DOUG: Then walked back in
dressed as farm animals.
> for home since they did
> not want to talk about
it immediately;
LAURIE: They wanted to talk to
their lawyers first, see if they could get Carole committed.
> they still couldn’t
> believe what just happened.
BRIAN: Funny, I’ve seen lots
of crazy, senile old ladies babbling nonsense.
> Instead, the girls talked it over
> the next day
TOM: (girl) “So we’ll cut her
brakes on her Oldsmobile tomorrow?”
> & decided to practice their powers the day
after
> that;
SARAH: I gotta give ‘em some
credit - they’re some of the only superheroes I’ve seen nowadays excited about
their powers.
> they by then had to accept it was their
destiny to become
BRIAN: Waitresses at Hooters.
> guardians of the veil.
LAURIE: A destiny they’d have
the rest of the series to bemoan, so they’d just leave it out of the origin for
now.
>
> End of Prologue
>
> A/N: Whoa!
ALL: Gah!
SARAH: What are *you* doing
back?
DOUG: We want the next
chapter!
SARAH: Uh... I won’t go that
far.
> You guys really thought I was going to start
with
> Nerissa going bad?
BRIAN: Yeah - you can’t just
rehash the first issue with that.
> Not for another chapter or so!
LAURIE: “I gotta try to pass
more filler off as character development first.”
>
Well, I hoped
> you liked it!
>
> Have a nice day!
TOM: Rings almost as false as
a Wal-Mart greeter...
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Note,
SARAH: Kate-chan attempted to
walk and chew gum at once, tripped over her own feet, and choked to death.
TOM: No! Bad!
> I’ve edited it with Santeen24’s
> help(She notified me
of my pretty huge mistake in her review).
BRIAN: “Turns out you should
actually read the source material before you write! Weird, huh?”
> Thank you! (Throws you
toast for the next two chapters)
DOUG: “So it can lure the
plague rats. How dare you correct me?!”
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
TOM: Why do I get the feeling
we’ll be hearing this a lot?
>
> Disclaimer: What’s the
definition of the word “FAN fiction”?
(ALL laugh.)
TOM: Trust me - you do *not*
want us to answer that.
LAURIE: Yeah. It won’t be pretty.
>
> Kate-chan 91’s
tidbits:
DOUG: Have been known to cause
kidney failure in lab rats.
> Sorry if the prologue seemed rushed. --
SARAH: “I don’t have much of
an attention span.”
> Anyway, in case you’re
wondering, yes this is based on the comic
> version of W.I.T.C.H.,
BRIAN: “Which I’ve read all
about on the Internet, ‘cuz it’s free.”
> but you don’t have to know what is going
> on in that version to
understand this story
TOM: However, it will help if
you’ve read the entire Hitchhiker’s Guide trilogy.
DOUG: To understand this
story?
TOM: No - to recognize the
difference between this and a *good* story.
> since it’s just my
> own idea of what
could’ve happened
LAURIE: Except for the names,
it’s 100% canon connection free!
SARAH: It’s actually based
entirely off of an episode of ‘The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo’.
> before our favorite guardians
> became the current
guardians of the veil.
BRIAN: According to the
comics, *everyone* was miserable. Thank
God that’s over.
> Also, Hay Lin’s
> grandma was also a
guardian at this time,
LAURIE: “Oh my God, I totally
missed that! They really hid that one.”
> so you guys get to
> read about Young
Grandma! XD
DOUG: Uh... yay?
>
> Well, here’s the first
chapter! Enjoy.
SARAH: A sickness bag has been
attached for your convenience.
>
> Chapter One: Two
Months Later
>
> 1111
TOM: Oh, joy. Novelty dividers.
BRIAN: When stars just aren’t
cutesy enough.
>
> Nerissa, Kadma,
Halinor, Yan Lin & Cassidy were on their way
> home from school
LAURIE: Walking in a straight
line in that exact order.
> when Nerissa suddenly grabbed her hair and
> winced in pain.
DOUG: (Nerissa) “This
conditioner’s too heavy!”
> All five girls obviously knew what this meant
SARAH: (girl) “Great, Ris is
having another episode. Better put a
wallet under her tongue.”
> since Cassidy stated
“Uh-oh, Nerissa getting her headaches
> again!
BRIAN: (Cassidy) “That meant
lunch had MSG in it!”
> That must mean a portal is nearby…”
LAURIE: And surely that’s more
important than Nerissa choking on her tongue.
>
> In response, Kadma
tugged at her long black hair
DOUG: She liked to pretend her
braid was a bell pull.
>
and asked her
> Asian friend Yan Lin
TOM: Oh, Yan’s her ethnic
friend.
BRIAN: Actually, Kadma’s
Indian.
TOM: So they’re each other’s
ethnic friend?
> to pull out the map Cassidy’s great-aunt
> handed to her the day
after they became guardians.
BRIAN: My God... It *is* just a rehash of the early issues!
LAURIE: Nuh-uh! It’s totally different ‘cuz, like, Carole
didn’t die!
>
Yan Lin
> obeyed by pulling the
map out of her book-bag and carefully
> observed it.
SARAH: (Yan) “Wait, this just
has Sonic Drive-In locations on it...”
> Gazing her eyes across the page one coordinate
at a
> time,
DOUG: Maps work best as lists
of GPS coordinates, not visual representations of land masses.
> she noticed a tiny light near their location.
BRIAN: (Yan) “Halinor, watch
where your cigarette ashes go!”
>
> Bingo.
TOM: Yan just won a bag of
chips!
>
> “Yep, portal number
seven is just down the street!
LAURIE: Across from the Wa-Wa.
SARAH: Cool! They can pick up Shortis when they’re done.
>
Let’s go!”
> Yan Lin informed her
friends.
DOUG: (girl) “Uh... yeah. You do that.
I’m gonna go alphabetize my jewelry by gemstone.”
>
> All five girls ran
until
SARAH: They were miles away
from the portal.
> they found the open portal that
> happened to be in the
subway.
TOM: Great, they’ll have to
fight their way through a crowd of Morlocks and CHUDs to get to it.
> Not
wanting to see any monsters
> come out of this
portal
LAURIE: They wore blindfolds.
> before they managed to close it,
DOUG: Too late. Man-eating hellbeasts are already belching
outta that thing and gnawing on their calves.
>
Nerissa
> held out her right
palm,
BRIAN: (singing) Stop! In the name of love...
> & the glowing Heart of Kandrakar
> emerged.
LAURIE: Don’t do that -
hellbeasts love shiny objects.
> Nerissa then yelled “Heart of Kandrakar, do
your
> thing!”
SARAH: That is the lamest
called attack *ever*.
DOUG: Its ‘thing’ turns out to
be changing color and playing ‘Disco Inferno’.
> and teardrops in the colors of blue, silver,
orange,
> green and hot pink
shot out from the Heart of Kandrakar towards
> each girl.
TOM: Those aren’t magic -
those are paintballs.
LAURIE: (girl) “Ouch! Stingie!”
>
> Cassidy’s blue
teardrop surrounded her with blue waves of water
> as she yelled
BRIAN: (Cassidy) “Oh my God,
I’m drowning!”
> “Water!”
>
> Halinor yelled,
“Fire!”
DOUG: Bang!
> as the orange teardrop engulfed her in
> orange, red &
yellow flames.
SARAH: Instead of puce, mauve,
and burnt umbre flames?
TOM: Good thing she jellied
her skin this morning.
>
> “Earth!” Yelled Kadma
as a hurricane of grass, flowers & wood
> scents from her green
teardrop circled her.
LAURIE: That’s not magic,
either. That’s a lawnmower bag exploding.
>
> Yan Lin was in a
cyclone of silver wind & smoke as she cried,
> “Air!”
DOUG: (Yan) “I need air! This stuff smells worse than stage smoke!”
>
> Finally, Nerissa, the
leader was bounded by the waves of pink
> electricity from her
hot pink teardrop.
TOM: The concussive force of
the pinkness knocked her out, so she couldn’t call out her element.
>
> During their
transformations,
BRIAN: Can I ask for you all
to avoid making jokes about long transformations and villains exploiting
them? They’re tired.
TOM: Sure, fine.
> all five girls clothes dissolved &
> were replaced by
fuchsia and turquoise midriff bearing outfits &
> green and yellow
leggings.
SARAH: That way, blind people
could hear their costumes.
> Butterfly-like wings tugged and
> formed on their backs
DOUG: So their clothes were
their cocoons?
> as their bodies physically enhanced, more
> beautiful, more
mature.
LAURIE: More safely marketable
in cheesecake poses.
> Finally, when they became guardians
> instead of the
daughters, nieces & sisters
TOM: (singing) Girls, you’ll
be guardians soon...
> that virtually
> everyone knew them as,
BRIAN: And as the ring of bank
robbers that only a few knew them as.
> all five were ready & broke out of their
> transformation’s hold
on them
DOUG: It had them in a
headlock.
> & got into a fighting stance.
SARAH: Their dainty, feminine
fighting stance.
>
> Immediately, the
now-transformed guardians
BRIAN: De-transformed.
TOM: D’oh!
> stepped next to each
> other and
DOUG: Formed a kickline!
> concentrated all their energy on the eerie
bluish
> white portal.
LAURIE: I gotta give the story
this much - it’s not all *pale* again.
> Simultaneously, waves of pink, blue, green,
orange
> and silver energy
SARAH: If anything, it might
benefit from a bit more paleness at this point.
> burst from their palms
TOM: Hadouken!
> and combined to form a
> huge white wave.
DOUG: Oh, no, they’ve started
the Crisis! Run!
> The wave of their united magic hit the portal,
BRIAN: And they were charged
with assault on an otherworldly body.
> causing it to close
for good… for now.
DOUG: Mwa-hahahahah!
>
> “Whoo-hoo! Seven down,
five to go!” Yan Lin tiredly whooped with
> the last of her
energy.
LAURIE: Yan was in a coma for
the rest of the week.
>
> Obviously, all of five
guardians became exhausted from their
> effort,
TOM: Pointing and zapping is
harder than it looks.
> so when they transformed back to their normal
selves,
SARAH: They fell asleep
standing where they were.
> they sat down in the
library
DOUG: (girl, dimly) “Thinky
books... that’ll make us sleep!
Tee-hee!”
> and started talking
LAURIE: (librarian, shrilly)
“No talking in the library!”
>
about that
> day’s rarely easy
battle.
BRIAN: And hasty, easy to
describe battle.
>
> “Ugh…I hope that was
the last one-
TOM: (Nerissa) “If all the fight
scenes are that break-neck, I’ll get even more exhausted.”
> if I get one more headache
> like that,
SARAH: (Nerissa) “My brains
will liquefy and run out of my ears onto the floor.”
> I’m definitely going to faint next time!’
DOUG: (Nerissa) “Look! I’m so woozy my quotes have gone wonky!”
>
Nerissa
> complained to her
fellow guardians and friends.
TOM: (teeth gritted) For the
twenty-eighth time this week...
>
> “You may feel that
way, Nerissa,” Halinor said,
LAURIE: (Halinor, laughing)
“But watching you wince is hilarious - you should see your face!”
>
“but we’re so
> close to closing all
twelve portals!
BRIAN: (Halinor) “Then we can
fight the boss and go to the next level!”
> If you can last through
> five more-“
DOUG: (Halinor) “We’ll get
cupcakes.”
>
> “I know, I know,
Halinor, but you have no idea how terrible they
> are feel!”
SARAH: (Nerissa) “Now I must
be talk in the Engrish! It will have
cause damage to my the center brain of speech!”
> Nerissa interrupted. “Why can’t this
“all-powerful-
> concentration of
energy” called the Heart of Kandrakar just
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “Text me a
warning.”
> signal wherever a
portal is
LAURIE: Magically draw a
dotted line to it like in ‘Family Circus’.
> so we can just
close it and get on
> with our lives?
BRIAN: Their full, rich,
entirely off-screen lives.
> How hard is that to ask!”
DOUG: Well, for starters, it’s
pretty long-winded...
>
> Cassidy chimed into
the semi-argument
SARAH: (Cassidy, a la NBC
chimes) “Bing, bing, bong.”
> agreeing with Nerissa with
> “You know, she does
kinda have a point there…”
TOM: I don’t know... she
sounds like a knock-off of a Marvel hero to me.
BRIAN: Hey!
LAURIE: What’s that mean?
TOM: Let’s face it - Marvel’s
good guys whine a *lot* about being burdened by their heroics, kind of like
Nerissa here.
DOUG: And after reading enough
DC, I can say that’s the biggest difference.
You realize just how old it gets.
BRIAN: Hmph.
>
> Kadma interrupted even
further, reminding them,
LAURIE: (Kadma) “It’s rude to
interrupt... oh, shoot!”
>
“I think we
> should get some books
for our biology reports due next Friday.”
DOUG: The fifty-page research
page on cellular osmosis that was assigned two months ago and counts for half
of your final grade?
>
> Nerissa sighed and got
up rubbing her head.
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “Man, my hair
feels soft. I could rub it all day.”
> “My head’s still
> hurting either because
of this talk
SARAH: People not blindly
agreeing with her gave her a pain.
> or from sensing the portal…
LAURIE: What, another?
BRIAN: Alright! Another two-sentence, non-violent fight
scene!
> I’ll see you guys at
school tomorrow…”
SARAH: (Nerissa) “Unless I,
y’know, have a stroke or something ‘cuz of all these portals...”
>
> 1111
>
> When she got home,
Nerissa walked upstairs to her room
TOM: Don’t go in there! Mr. B Natural is in there!
> and
> plopped right onto her
bed.
DOUG: Nerissa! Use the bathroom for that!
SARAH: Ew, gross!
> Before taking a nap, she wondered,
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “I’m not even
*in* Biology...”
> Why do I have to be
the leader
LAURIE: Well, duh. Your powers are the vaguest.
> & get these stupid headaches
> before we find a
portal?
DOUG: Because any more,
whining passes for drama.
SARAH: Oh, *you’re* a fine one
to talk.
DOUG: You wanna take this
outside, dialogue-free wonder?
TOM: Stop it *now*.
> She then glared at her hand, still
> complaining
SARAH: (Nerissa) “Stupid
granny spit took forever to wash off, too.”
> If this is Heart of Kandrakar is so powerful,
how
DOUG: Is.
> come it can’t
DOUG: Is.
> solve my
DOUG: Is.
> problems? Sigh… I guess I’ll try to
> figure that out after
LAURIE: (Nerissa) “I finish
with that cure for cancer.”
> school tomorrow…I need…
BRIAN: A beer?
> sleep…
BRIAN: And a beer.
>
> And with that, the
girl was snoozing in Dreamland.
TOM: Riding on a walking bed
with Little Nemo and Flip.
>
> End of Chapter One
>
> A/N: I hope you
thought it was better than the prologue…
SARAH: Don’t get your hopes
for that up too high.
>
After
> all, you can’t judge
something by its first chapter.
LAURIE: You’d be surprised how
wrong that statement is.
>
I also
> promise it’ll get
better later on.
BRIAN: “And that I’ll saw
> Also, I want to give out
> toast to everyone
TOM: To protest low-carb
diets.
> from the Disney Comics Worldwide forums,
BRIAN: “Thanks for reading all
the comics for me, guys - I would’ve, but the mall cops caught me trying to
leave. They wanted *me* to *pay* - can
you *believe* that?!”
>
the
> people on like
Harryrulesmyworld
DOUG: You know what scares
me? That, one day, a name like that will
be a given name. I just *know* it.
> & my friends like Patricia &
> Nicola for supporting
me.
LAURIE: And having oddly
normal names.
SARAH: ‘Kate-chan’ isn’t odd.
LAURIE: But is does force use
of a Japanese suffix.
> (Throws you guys toast)
TOM: Wrong scene! It’s the wedding speech where you do that!
>
> Please review before
going, and have a great day.
DOUG: I mistook the suggestion
box for a vomit box. Does that count as
a review?
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
BRIAN: Catering by Kate-chan
91. Kate-chan 91 courtesy of Kate-chan
91’s parents.
DOUG: Proofreading courtesy of
no one.
>
> Disclaimer: Oh, come
on,
SARAH: “Do you actually expect
me to write a real disclaimer? I’m busy
being wacky here.”
> the only character I own is Cassidy’s
> Great-Aunt Carole.
LAURIE: The colorless plot
device? You must be so proud.
>
> Kate-chan 91’s tidbits
(A/N):
DOUG: Are being boycotted by
cat owners nationwide.
> Woo-hoo!
BRIAN: Donuts!
> My first two reviews for
> this story!
SARAH: “What does
‘soul-crushing rubbish’ mean?”
> Well, here’s the toast & replies to the
reviewers!
>
> Cornelia’s #1 Fan:
LAURIE: So... Caleb, then?
BRIAN: Don’t *ever* mention
that again.
> Thank You for reviewing! (Throws you toast)
TOM: A thank-you card is a bit
more traditional.
>
> Santeen24- Thank you
for telling me my HUGE flub!
LAURIE: Unfortunately, the
story will *not* be deleted.
>
I forgot all
> about that!
BRIAN: Well, in Kate-chan’s
defense, she probably started skim reading summaries, got distracted by a
flashing banner ad, and then read a website translated from Hungarian that made
up crap.
> I corrected it shortly after you reviewed.
(Throws
> you toast)
TOM: Will you quit doing
that? It’s not funny.
>
> This was originally
going to be the third chapter, but I changed
> my mind for some
reason.
DOUG: She finally learned how
to count!
>
> Thank you once again!
Now, I’ll present the second chapter of
> Two Tainted Hearts.
Enjoy!
SARAH: Please turn off all
cell phones, pagers, cameras, and life support equipment.
TOM: Heckling, however, is
permitted under the Waldorf-Statler Act of ’76.
>
> Chapter Two: A
Premonition at Kandrakar
DOUG: Vocab word! Vocab word!
>
> 2222
>
> In the
LAURIE: Admiring the massive
Faberge egg collection.
> which was also known
as the
SARAH: TV room.
> Circle of Knowing.
BRIAN: It was filled with
smart things, like big books and old globes.
> One of them was
> Tibor,
TOM: Cousin of Tobor and heir
to Elektro.
> who was the other’s advisor, or consultant,
BRIAN: Or lick-spittle.
>
and the
> second was known as
the Oracle.
DOUG: He was filling in for
Barbara Gordon while she was on vacation.
>
> Wise and all knowing,
DOUG: And *hot*... if we’re
talking about Barbara.
SARAH: Doug? We aren’t.
Stop.
> the Oracle was the person responsible for
> creating the majestic
world of Kandrakar
LAURIE: It took him more glue
and toothpicks than anyone else in the Build-a-World contest, but knew it’d be
worth it.
> and the currently
> weakened veil all
those years ago.
TOM: Not once had he even
thought of going to the store and buying something to patch it.
> Despite being centuries old,
> age didn’t affect his
physical features; he still seemed young
> after all these
centuries.
BRIAN: Because the Oracle gets
a full night’s sleep and drinks his V-8.
> He watched the lives of billions
> daily without a
heartbeat,
SARAH: He’s watching corpses?
LAURIE: another weird
voyeur...
> but as he was in the center of that
> temple,
DOUG: He had to avoid the
juicy stuff in case someone saw him.
> he divided his attention to the five guardians
of the
> veil.
DOUG: Or not...
>
> The surveillance of
the girls Nerissa, Cassidy, Kadma, Halinor
> and Yan Lin was
TOM: Surprisingly dull. Two of the officers fell asleep.
> divided into distinctly colored circles of
light
> around the Circle of
Knowing.
SARAH: (bombastic) Television
of the *future*!
> In the blue one, Cassidy, who
> controlled water,
BRIAN: Uh... I think we’ll
remember the color-coding for the rest of the story.
SARAH: Yeah, but what about
the author?
BRIAN: Touche.
> baked cookies with her younger brother and
> great-aunt.
LAURIE: Mealworm cookies with
Italian dressing glaze - Carole’s favorite.
DOUG: Of course, Carole hadn’t
tasted anything since she was thirty.
> Green light surrounded a vision of Kadma,
TOM: She was irradiated.
>
the
> guardian whom
controlled earth, studying for her biology project
> in the local library.
SARAH: (Kadma) “Huh... turns
out the knee bone *isn’t* connected to the shin bone.”
> The silver-colored circle pictured Yan Lin
> starting to eat
Chinese food for supper with her parents and
> grandmother.
BRIAN: Even now, we’re being
served a piping hot plate of Rehash.
> Halinor was pictured in the orange-colored
circle
> reading in a drab
library cubicle.
LAURIE: (Halinor, reading)
“One Hundred Easy Steps to Dynamic Characterization.”
> Finally, the hot-pink circle
> symbolizing the Keeper
of the Heart,
TOM: You sure it wasn’t
heart-shaped?
> the girl named Nerissa,
BRIAN: Who lived with her
divorced mothe- I mean, *father*, and who collected frogs- sorry, *lizards*...
DOUG: So unless the characters
can have their present-day equivalents’ families grafted on to them, they’re
banished to the library?
> appeared with her
apparently thinking about using the Heart
> before dozing off.
SARAH: (Nerissa) “Maybe the
Heart can help me find the lowest car insurance plan...”
> The Oracle, feeling sad emotions from the
> girl,
LAURIE: She desperately wanted
a life of her own, not Will’s cast-offs.
> waved a hand over her circle of light.
TOM: (Oracle) “Well, enough of
this crap... Time for ‘American
Gladiators’.”
>
> “What’s wrong?” Tibor
the trusted advisor asked.
DOUG: (Tibor) “Anything
another deep-tissue massage can fix?”
>
“The guardians
> seem like they’re
doing fine.”
BRIAN: (Tibor) “Why, even
those two homeless girls found a place to stay.”
>
> “It’s Nerissa, Tibor.”
the high-ranked Oracle retorted.
TOM: (after a long, baffled
silence) I guess nigh-omnipotent types have very different senses of humor than
we do.
DOUG: Or they like completely
bizarre nonsequitors.
>
“She’s
> considering using the
Heart for her own needs.”
SARAH: So the girl needs a
night light - big deal.
>
> “Are you sure? It
looks like she just had an awful day
DOUG: (Tibor) “Because of the
migraines *we* gave her, but still...”
>
and wants
> to forget about it.”
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Then she
should consider alcoholism.”
>
> “I read her thoughts,
Tibor.
BRIAN: (Oracle) “Never before
have I encountered a single person with such an intense hatred of
> She wants to start using it after
> she comes back to her
home.” He replied quietly.
TOM: (Oracle) “Don’t you see
how dire this display of free will is?”
>
> “Should we keep an eye
on her, Oracle?” the advisor questioned.
DOUG: Dude, stop salivating.
>
> “I believe so.
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Be extra
careful to watch her in the shower - I just have a hunch.”
> Only
time will tell what will happen;
BRIAN: (Oracle) “Either she’ll
go nuts and kill someone, or she’ll ascend to god-hood. Could go either way.”
>
I could
> sense pain emitting
from her.”
SARAH: So instead of reaching
out to her and trying to help her, let’s just further abuse her by treating her
with unrelenting suspicion.
LAURIE: Just like any given
educational body.
>
> Looking at her circle
for one final time,
TOM: (Oracle) “Huh. This conveniently doubles as a pentacle.”
> he expressed silently
> emotions of worry for
her mentally.
(ALL snicker.)
DOUG: Instead of mouthing what
he’d say?
> While he cared for all five
> of the guardians, as
did everyone else at Kandrakar,
BRIAN: All card-carrying
members of the fanclub!
>
and he also
> was constantly
concerned about them,
LAURIE: And if they were
overdressed.
> he was currently more
> worried about the
Keeper of the Heart’s future
SARAH: With grades like hers,
she’ll never get into nursing school.
> more than
> anything else at the
moment.
DOUG: Well, except for that
‘Modern Marvels’ marathon tonight.
> After all, there was no telling
> what she would do with
the Heart of Kandrakar’s powers
BRIAN: Is it really that bad
to jump someone’s battery with it?
>
if she
> really did keep to her
cerebral promise…
TOM: That wasn’t a promise so
much as a Peter Parkerian moment of whininess.
DOUG: It’s the sleep. Oracle hates when they sleep.
>
> End of Chapter Two
>
> A/N: I really need to
SARAH: Shut up?
> give thanks to LordHenreich from the
> Disney Comics
Worldwide forums;
BRIAN: “Thanks for helping me
keep bluffing my way through this.”
> this is one awesome guy that is
> fun to talk with
online.
LAURIE: He was featured on
Dateline!
> Because of this, he earns toast and a
> Ruby and Golden Red
Panda Statue with “100 Red Panda Approved!”
> nailed onto it.
TOM: Okay,, now it’s
official. Not only is the author
long-winded everywhere *except* the story, annoying, and lazy by implication,
but *this* officially shows she’s around the U-bend.
> This is my ultimate award stating they’re
> officially my ally and
pal online.
SARAH: “You’ll serve as my
human shield against all the people I annoy.”
> (Throws you gifts the gifts
> from the comp monitor)
DOUG: Then is dragged by
pissed-off mother to Staples to buy replacement monitor.
>
> Well, I hope you guys
enjoyed this chapter (especially since
> it’s not my best
work),
BRIAN: If this isn’t your
best, I’d hate to see your worst.
> and don’t forget to review before you go
> on with your lives
SARAH: That’s exactly what
we’re being forced to do right now.
TOM: If we had our way, we’d
run screaming into therapy after this.
> (if you have the ability to do so that is).
DOUG: (deadpan) No,
please. Tell me about Nerissa’s fall
from grace, or I shall not eat for a week.
> After all, it’s
usually the reviews that give me the confidence
> I’ve done something
right
LAURIE: “And feed the ravenous
beast that is my ego.”
> or need to correct an error,
BRIAN: However sloppily...
>
like in
> Santeen’s case.
TOM: Santeen’s reward? Having imaginary bread products thrown at her
by a lunatic.
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer:
SARAH: By the time this story
is over, you will *hate* Kate-chan.
TOM: Think of it this way -
one day, in a future with even more thorough background checks, this story will
prevent her from getting or a job. Maybe
both.
SARAH: Hmm... that might be
fair...
> This is a by-product of my mind with existing
> characters; get it in
your head, already!
LAURIE: Only if you finally
swallow your pills.
DOUG: We wrapped them in
Velveeta for you...
>
> Kate-chan 91’s
tidbits: Woo-hoo! I updated again!
BRIAN: Good to know
*someone’s* happy.
>
Well, here’s
> the toast &
replies to the reviews!
DOUG: Is it wrong that I
really want that toast to be soaked in antifreeze?
>
> Cornelia’s #1 Fan: I’m
glad you liked the last chapter! (Throws
> you toast again)
LAURIE: “Okay, who else wants
toast? Anyone? ...
Anyone?”
>
> Thank you once again!
SARAH: “You will be the last
to die.”
> Now, I’ll present the third (but
> definitely not last)
(ALL groan loudly.)
> chapter of Two Tainted Hearts. Enjoy!
>
> Chapter Three: School
and the Start of Misuse
TOM: Oh, joy. What sort of heavy-handed afterschool special
reject will *this* be?
DOUG: Hopefully, it’s at least
as bad as ‘Bad Ronald’ was.
>
> 3333
>
> It was the dawn of a
new day,
BRIAN: A new day... The foreshadowing is a little more
heavy-handed...
SARAH: The author’s notes are
a little more obnoxious...
> and the girls were in their
> homerooms undergoing
TOM: Reprogramming.
> the ever so boring and unneeded roll call.
LAURIE: (teacher) “Now, how am
I gonna do my Ben Stein routine if none of you have last names?”
> As Nerissa and
Cassidy’s homeroom teacher Mr. Robbins
SARAH: The teacher from
Jeweler’s Row with the diamond in his beard.
>
called out
> his student’s names,
DOUG: (Mr. Robbins) “My God,
how many of you are named Sean?”
> Cassidy was passing notes to another friend
> of hers
TOM: It said, “Book drop at 10
- viva la revolucion!”
> and Nerissa was pondering
BRIAN: (Brain) “Are you
pondering what I’m pondering, Pinky?”
LAURIE: (Pinky) “I think so,
Brain, but couldn’t you learn everything in eighth grade if you stayed long
enough?”
> & scribbling down
TOM: Her signature recipe for
tangy mustard salad dressing.
>
about what
> she was going after
school
DOUG: She was going watch TV.
> with the Heart of Kandrakar.
SARAH: Atlas would be crushed
to death by foreshadowing this heavy.
>
> “What’s that?” the
girl next to her, who also happened to be
> looking over her
shoulder, asked innocently.
BRIAN: (girl) “Sure doesn’t
look like notes for our history test today...”
LAURIE: This girl was Katie,
who instinctively knew that *she* should be the Keeper of the Heart and would
be back to save the day!
TOM: Don’t! If you describe it, you’ll will it into
existence.
>
> Nerissa grabbed and
put away the purple notepad she was writing
> on.
DOUG: Nerissa kept her enemies
list on floral print paper that was simply *charming*.
> “Uh…
just random stuff to try to clear my mind from really,
> really stupid ideas.”
SARAH: (Nerissa) “I call it
‘Two Tainted Hearts’ - it’s a sort of story.”
> She nervously chuckled as she attempted to
> have the girl leave
her alone.
BRIAN: For some reason, not
even punches to her face could convince her to leave.
>
> The girl blinked at
her
LAURIE: Oh, no - the dreaded
Gambino Blink of Death!
> before going back to looking at the
> white ceiling.
TOM: (girl) “Yep, my pencil’s
still up there.”
>
> Okay… Nerissa thought.
(DOUG makes ‘creaking gear’
noises.)
> Roll call’s a little too boring and long-
SARAH: Why? Are there seven hundred students in their
class?
DOUG: The teacher likes to
spell out their names.
> how about I speed it
up as yet another contribution to society?
TOM: To go along with
Nerissa’s many years of unpublished charity work.
>
> The black-haired girl
pointed her index finger under her table
> towards the clock.
LAURIE: Either that’s a tall
table, or she is in a really awkward position.
> A pink bolt of energy then emerged and zapped
> towards the clock,
BRIAN: But hit the teacher instead
and turned him into a chicken.
> making time speed up on the face.
DOUG: (annoyed) Oh, for the
love of...
>
Similar to
> a strain of the flu,
SARAH: This new development made
readers need a sick pail?
> the pink energy then started affecting the
> remainder of the
clocks in the school;
TOM: Watches, however,
remained unaffected, just like *time itself*.
> as a result this caused
> the middle-aged
principal Ms. Knickerbocker
BRIAN: Wait, she was alive
*and* in charge when the *grandmom* of one of the present-day heroines was a
kid?!
DOUG: Maybe she’s Gallifreyan
and regenerated.
SARAH: But I thought the
Doctor was the onl-
DOUG: (angrily) What have I
told you?!
SARAH: (annoyed sigh) The new
‘Doctor Who’ series is not allowed to exist within these walls.
DOUG: Right. So their principal is a Time Lord.
SARAH: (under her breath) Fan
wanker.
> to turn on the
> intercom to call out
that morning’s announcements faster than
> usual.
LAURIE: This entire school is
filled with morons.
TOM: The softball coach was
*furious* that his copy was butchered.
> Nerissa just slyly smiled
BRIAN: (Nerissa, dimly)
“Duh... I make time move fast...”
> as everyone was talking about
> how time seemed to
pass by a little faster at that moment.
SARAH: Because not a single
person in those walls had any inborn sense of how much time had passed, and
they were totally dependent on clocks to even understand what time was.
>
On
> the other side of the
room,
DOUG: Where they couldn’t see
the clock...
> Cassidy, the only person who
> attentively noticed
the event,
LAURIE: Was too busy reading
‘Teen Vogue’ to care.
> copied the expression on
> Nerissa’s face
BRIAN: She’s a Mimic.
> only this time a quiet giggle was added in.
TOM: She, too, was amused by
the incredible stupidity of her schoolmates.
>
> Aside from that brief
episode that morning, the rest of the
> school day was overall
uneventful to Nerissa’s disappointment.
SARAH: Well, except for AP
Chemistry blowing up the lab. Nerissa
had gym, so she missed it.
>
> 3333
TOM: We’re ignoring you,
little novelty scene break.
>
> “I’m home!” Nerissa
yelled as she entered her home.
DOUG: Really? I thought she went to the Pathmark.
>
After
> throwing her yellow
book-bag onto the hall floor,
LAURIE: Launching it down into
the basement and wrecking the hardwood.
>
she walked
> upstairs up to her
room and closed and locked the door when she
> got inside.
SARAH: Why? She probably lives in the same world of ‘no
plot-inconvenient adults’ as the others.
>
> Situating herself on
her bed,
TOM: If this turns into a lemon
we all walk out. Agreed?
KIDS: Agreed.
> she started to get ready into
> attempting
DOUG: I honestly don’t know if
I should groan, cry, or smack myself.
> to use the Heart she was assigned to keep by
the
> Oracle.
BRIAN: Now I’m convinced the
author never read *any* of ‘W.I.T.C.H.’!
LAURIE: Why?
BRIAN: This is so...
contrived! There’s no restrictions on
when or why Will or anyone else can use the Heart. Hell, that’s how Nerissa steals it!
TOM: Brian, just accept that
the author flipped through a book or two for the pretty art and feels the need
to add contrivances in lieu of actually having the reading comprehension to
understand the story. It’s probably the
same method she uses for term papers.
> First of all, she closed her eyes and started
taking in
> slow, deep breaths.
SARAH: She’s going for a
> Though it was difficult, she managed to
> clear her mind of any
thoughts
TOM: Oh, so many more cheap
shots could be taken with this one line...
BRIAN: Save it. We’ll probably have plenty more
opportunities.
> as she was attempting to
> meditate.
LAURIE: She knew that she’d
succeeded once she started to levitate.
> When Nerissa finished with that,
DOUG: She gave up and decided
to watch TV Land instead.
> she positioned
> herself in order to
scrunch her toes, fingers, shoulders and
> other body parts
tightly.
(ALL laugh in disbelief.)
LAURIE: Really, what does that
prove?
DOUG: The she *can* grip that
pen with her toes if she tries.
> After holding them in that position
> for a minute,
SARAH: She was too stiff to
move.
> she let go of them and relaxed.
(BRIAN belches.)
SARAH: Oh, God, gross...
>
> In her opinion,
LAURIE: That was the most
exercise *ever*.
TOM: No, that’s *our* opinion.
> it was now time for the Keeper of the Heart to
DOUG: Get a hobby.
> control the Heart’s
powers for another purpose other than
> getting the guardians
ready for closing portals.
BRIAN: Let’s see... making
appliances talk, energizing the others, zappy energy rays... all of these were
perfectly possible in the comics. Oh,
that’s right, I forgot! *You didn’t read
them*!
>
Feeling relaxed
> and ready,
SARAH: And completely devoid
of pride.
> Nerissa held out her palm in the air and
waited for
> the Heart to emerge.
TOM: That’s exactly how the
cops found her body six weeks later.
Poor Nerissa - poor, crazy, *stupid* Nerissa.
>
> 3333
>
> Four minutes.
SARAH: That’s the longest
anything can hold the author’s attention.
> That’s exactly how long she waited,
LAURIE: Before quitting. (pause)
Please?
>
and not a
> millisecond longer.
Blood rushing down internally in her arm,
BRIAN: Let’s go to CSI’s
signature TMI-Cam to get an up-close view.
> the saddened girl was
just about to
TOM: *Finally* admit that she
really needed a hobby.
> give up and place it down
DOUG: Snap it off and put it
right back on its shelf.
> when a glow of white
light starting to shine-
SARAH: That’s just the sun.
> it was coming from
> her raised hand.
LAURIE: Her novelty LCD pen
was finally working again!
>
> In its undefined
glory,
(ALL snicker.)
> the Heart of Kandrakar slowly but surely
> emerged from her palm
DOUG: (Heart, sleepily)
“Yaaaaawn... I’m up, I’m up...”
> and floated a couple of centimeters above
> it.
LAURIE: Good to know
everything’s measured so precisely in story.
DOUG: Except revisions. And tenses used. And omitted words.
> With
glee, Nerissa reached out both of her arms and cupped
> the magical charm of
energy in her hands.
TOM: She’s gonna pet it and
keep it and call it George.
> Holding the warm and
> glowing charm,
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “Hmm... I
think I need a potholder.”
> she started thinking about what she should
> initially practice
using it on
SARAH: Self-trepanation?
> before she actually did something
> big.
TOM: Like make clocks move
fast so everyone thinks that time’s moving faster? Yeah, that was *huge*.
> Her
thoughts came like this:
BRIAN: (Nerissa, flatly) “I
like hot chocolate.”
LAURIE: (ibid) “My socks
itch.”
SARAH: (ibid) “I think my
butt’s gone numb.”
DOUG: (ibid) “Too bad I
already killed my parents.”
TOM: (ibid) “Meditating is
boring.”
>
> Should I use the Heart
to see if it will finish my homework?
DOUG: (Nerissa) “Hopefully it
knows French...”
> Nah, that’s extremely
childish and I think I would burn my paper
> anyway…
LAURIE: (Nerissa) “Plus, it’s
too mundane to effectively foreshadow my turn to evil.”
> Or how about I use it for cleaning up my room?
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “Even the
guys from the EPA wouldn’t come in here with their weird suits.”
>
After
> all, it is
pretty…“disorganized”.
TOM: Or you’re just “lazy”.
> I guess that work since Kadma
> can do that and she
has earth powers…
SARAH: Oh, wait. She’s homeless and lives in a cave in the
park.
>
> And with that, she
concentrated all her energy onto the Heart
> and
BRIAN: Wept for her complete
lack of imagination.
SARAH: You mean the author’s.
BRIAN: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
> then
towards a messy drawer in a corner of her room.
LAURIE: How sinful! She’s going to fold her pajamas!
>
At the
> same time, she closed
her eyes so she wouldn’t get dizzy, tired
> or both.
TOM: Plus, that way, if it
went wrong, she could honestly claim she didn’t see anything.
> As she was seeing black and the occasional
green spot,
LAURIE: And a warty,
husky-voiced fortune teller commanding her to kill...
> a result of closing
her eyes,
DOUG: And getting clocked on
the head with a hammer.
> she started hearing some noises,
SARAH: That’s just Alexei
Sayle singing ‘Make Stupid Noises’ next door.
> like as if
DOUG: I highly doubt you’re
British enough to get away with this.
BRIAN: (Valley accent) Like,
as if!
> something was being arranged
LAURIE: By sixty-mile-an-hour
winds.
> at the exact corner she
> was trying to focus
her energy on along with the Heart.
TOM: Look, stop trying to be
clever and just say it worked.
>
> Sure enough, she found
the area spotless when she opened her
> eyes.
SARAH: Not a scrap of
furniture, flooring, or paint remained.
> Because it was successful, she thought of
other ways to
> use it
TOM: She bought Trumpy’s Guide
to Stupid Tricks for ideas.
> in case the room cleaning was just
BRIAN: Her mom trying to do
her a favor but also nosing through her stuff.
> a result of unknown
> telepathy.
DOUG: A-*hem*. Telepathy is mind-reading and thought
projection. *Telekinesis* is moving
objects through the power of thought.
It’s right in the first chapter of ‘Stock Superpowers and You’.
> As a result,
SARAH: Huh. Kate-chan likes the word ‘result’ a lot. It sounds funny if you keep saying it...
> Nerissa carried her wastebasket into the
> center of the room and
BRIAN: Rechristened it as her
Puke Pail.
> concentrated on it and the Heart,
LAURIE: Go for the three
points! Shoot! Shoot!
>
only
> this time she kept her
eyes open
TOM: She couldn’t bear to see
the green spots again.
> no matter the risk of what
> would happen if an
error occurred.
SARAH: What, would a stray
piece of trash smack her in the face?
> To
her amazement,
BRIAN: There was a scene
shift, and something interesting happened.
>
it turned
> out she could control
the Heart for other purposes
DOUG: (whiny) But I thought we
established that!
TOM: That was a whole two
sentences ago. You honestly expect the
author to remember something so far back?
>
due to the
> fact she saw the
wastebasket get engulfed with hot pink rays.
LAURIE: Now she can burn all
evidence of her glee club embezzling!
>
In
> order to make sure it
wasn’t her power,
(ALL groan and grumble.)
DOUG: A major future villain
should not be second guessing herself this much.
SARAH: Again, we see
intentional redundancy built into the fanfic in a vain attempt to prevent
catastrophic failure...
TOM: That’s it. I’m hiding your ‘Seconds from Disasters’
DVDs.
> she slowly let go of the
> Heart,
BRIAN: Which fell right to the
floor.
> which was identical in color,
LAURIE: Yet oddly sponge-like
in texture.
> not to mention it was also
> discharging the exact
same rays.
TOM: And if we understood what
any of that sentence meant, we might be impressed.
DOUG: By the scene?
TOM: No, that we understood
the sentence.
> It was only when she witnessed
> the rays moving and
shocking the wastebasket
BRIAN: Yee-haw! Git along l’il basket!
> across the floor
> did she know it was a
complete success.
SARAH: *Pfft.* That’s just the poltergeists messing with her
again.
>
> Nerissa started
thinking of other ways to use it,
LAURIE: (Nerissa) “I’ll
julienne carrots with my newfound power!”
>
but she
> started to reject them
all since
BRIAN: Nerissa had the
imagination of a tube worm.
> it’s not everyday when you find
> out you can
DOUG: Switch tenses *and*
points of view on the fly.
> direct power over something powerful
TOM: Like a power station.
LAURIE: Or a Power Glove.
BRIAN: Or Power Pack.
SARAH: Or the Power Rangers.
DOUG: Or Brother Power the
Geek.
>
and magical.
> Suddenly, she
remembered all of her enemies,
TOM: And here’s our sharp left
into
> those whom taunted
> and pushed her around
all those years.
DOUG: So, all of her gym
teachers?
> Signs of rage flashed in
> her eyes
BRIAN: Little red frowny faces
blinked on and off like train warnings.
> as she walked toward her window,
SARAH: (Nerissa) “Huh. Someone has accidentally boarded this up from
the outside.”
> which looked over the
> Johansson’s residence.
DOUG: They’d pay for their
damned wind chimes!
LAURIE: See? This is the ham-fisted foreshadowing we were
waiting for.
SARAH: Yes, and yet another
excuse to condone bullying by making its victims look loopy.
BRIAN: Remember, kids - suffer
in silence, or you’ll go to Hell!
> Nerissa had known the couple’s daughter,
>
SARAH: Ah, good ol’ Shady
Acres Daycare.
> and even then,
> spared no mercy for
Nerissa as she pulled her hair, smashed her
> block sculptures,
stole her apple juice
TOM: Okay, *this* is
pathetic. Nerissa must have a gold medal
in grudge holding.
> and poked her as she
> slept on her Mickey
Mouse beach towel
DOUG: Product placement?
> as she was sleeping during
> naptime.
LAURIE: Look, some people just
need to sleep with their favorite ten-foot broom handle. Sorry if it pokes you, but you need to be
understanding.
> By Middle School,
> uniform,
SARAH:
> tripped her in track and field and beat her up
BRIAN: Vicious daily
flickings.
> in order
> to have Nerissa give
up her brown bag lunch.
TOM:
>
> As she thought of
those awful memories,
LAURIE: And how nice it’d be
if either of them had any adults in their lives to serve as authority figures
of some sort...
> she organized an entire
> diabolical plan
SARAH: Foul! Foul!
Revenge schemes take at least twenty-four hours to properly plan!
LAURIE: But Nerissa’s
officially evil now, so she gets a pass.
> that she wouldn’t have even dreamed of a day
> ago.
DOUG: Power corrupts
instantaneously.
> When she took a deep breath and opened her
window,
BRIAN: (Nerissa, taking a deep
breath, then having a coughing fit) “Stupid freakin’ smelting plant!”
>
the
> Nerissa, the unknown
daughter, friend, and student everyone knew
TOM: Gained enough pretension
to refer to herself in third person as an object.
LAURIE: Just like Doctor
Doom. That’s how you know she’s evil
now.
> simply disappeared
BRIAN: So the story’s over?
DOUG: Dude, the *sentence*
isn’t even over.
> even though the body was still there.
LAURIE: Drooling like a
faucet.
>
With
> the combined aid of
the Heart and her own still pretty weak
> electrical powers,
SARAH: She shorted out
> she barely managed to cause storm clouds to
TOM: Gather over her head.
> replace the sunny,
cumulus cloud filled blue sky.
DOUG: Of
LAURIE: I thought this was
after school.
DOUG: But she spent hours
doing fakey yoga! It’s night already!
TOM: There’s no sense of time
in fanfics, guys, so stop trying to find it.
>
Out of the
> blue, a clap of
thunder
BRIAN: A thunderr clap hey a
thunderr clap hey a thunderr clap hey a -
SARAH: *Stop*.
> sent the streets of Heatherfield a-
> rocking and
TOM: A-reeling.
> rumbling.
SARAH: Her thunderstorm
started an earthquake?
TOM: That, or it pissed off an
Evil Monkey Toy.
> Wild strikes of white lightning started
> dancing in the sky
LAURIE: (signing) Dancing in
the sky...
> and the rain came down like the sky was tap
> dancing.
DOUG: Okay, we get it! Find another metaphor!
BRIAN: Maybe something intimidating.
> Nerissa started using all her strength
LAURIE: To scrunch herself in
a ball again. She just *liked* it.
>
in order to send
> a bolt of lightning on
the olive green house across the street;
TOM: For crimes against good
taste.
SARAH: And she missed by a
mile.
> this was a success
SARAH: D’oh!
> since a bolt of light from the sky did indeed
> strike on the house’s
roof.
DOUG: (Nerissa) “Damn. I was aiming for their big ugly nautical
stars.”
BRIAN: But since it was
*light* and not *lightning*, nothing happened.
> Orange flames erupted onto the house
> and black smoke poured
into the already darkened sky.
TOM: Turns out kerosene *doesn’t*
strengthen your insulation.
>
> For the first time in
her life, Nerissa didn’t feel guilt or
> pity.
SARAH: She just felt
bored. (pause) Wait, that’s me.
> Instead, she felt sort of satisfied with that
point of
> revenge,
BRIAN: Although next time,
she’d have to have a camera ready.
> even though she knew that
LAURIE: The rain would put the
fire out in minutes?
TOM: No, that’s in the real
world. The Kate-chan-verse doesn’t work
that way.
> path wouldn’t hit a dead end
> for a long, long
period of time.
DOUG: If you wanna bring that
sentence down to the shop, we can fix it so it makes sense.
> As she stood against the white
> windowpane in her
bedroom,
TOM: Big window.
> she giggled evilly and almost
> silently,
SARAH: Although we definitely
heard a ‘mwa-ha-ha’ in there...
> which was out of character even for her.
BRIAN: But since it was in
this story, no one noticed. Their brains
had turned to mush.
>
“Heh! Serves
> her right, torturing
me all those years,“
LAURIE: (Nerissa,
overdramatic) “She’ll rue the day she drank my apple juice!”
> she said as she saw
> the clouds of smoke
going higher, higher and higher into the air
BRIAN: New waterproof fire!
> and flames consuming
the house; the blaring alarms of fire
> trucks could be heard
rushing down the street.
DOUG: Krispy Kreme’s ‘hot’
sign is lit! Go, go, go!
TOM: Hey!
DOUG: Hey yourself. In my town, that’s all they had to do.
>
> End of Chapter Three
>
> A/N: Nerissa is
becoming consumed by the Heart’s power now… this
> is not good!
SARAH: “I might have to actually
read the source material soon!”
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> Disclaimer: I’m not
even part Italian, so there’s no way I even
> created W.I.T.C.H.
DOUG: Bring that sentence in,
too.
>
> Kate-chan 91’s tidbits
(A/N): Here's the toast, everyone!
LAURIE: But I’m allergic to
wheat gluten.
>
> Cornelia's #1 Fan-
Thank you so much! Because you are the only
> reviewer for the last
two chapters,
BRIAN: She’s the last one
whose brain hasn’t liquefied yet.
> you also earn Girl Scout
> cookies along with
your toast!
TOM: “They’re from 1984 - that
okay?”
> (Throws treats)
>
> Enjoy the fourth
chapter!
>
> Chapter Four: Fire of
Many Types
BRIAN: Well, there’s the
regular kind, we just saw the waterproof kind...
>
> 4444
>
> The firemen tried to
save the house,
LAURIE: Let it go! The living room’s dark mustard yellow with
gingham angels on the trim!
> but the wooden frame of the
> house collapsed
DOUG: Turns out it was
actually made of dry hay.
> as they sprayed it with many gallons of water
BRIAN: There’s your problem -
it’s *waterproof* fire. Not even a
hearty rainstorm can stop it.
> in
> attempts to save it.
SARAH: Granted, it’d be a bit
moist...
> Fortunately, they succeeded in saving all
> four members of the
family,
DOUG: They were found running
in circles muttering ‘Fire, fire, fire’ in blind panic.
> whose only remaining possessions of
> theirs was
(DOUG audibly smacks his
forehead.)
TOM: Ignore it. It’s a drop in this story’s ocean of
stupidity.
> the clothes on their backs.
LAURIE: Good thing they dress
in five layers to sleep.
> However, they weren’t to
> save something
precious to them, as
SARAH: (
>
> “What’s wrong,
TOM: (
> Yan Lin, who just rushed to the scene
> along with her friends
Kadma, Halinor and Cassidy
BRIAN: All of whom were
standing around picking their ears.
>
(Nerissa was
> still in her bedroom),
SARAH: They didn’t want to
disturb her naptime. She gets *so*
cranky.
> asked
DOUG: That might very well be
the longest interjection ever.
>
> The sobbing girl
chocked
SARAH: *Choked*.
> a simple sentence
TOM: Hey! What’d that simple sentence every do to you?
> as she picked up an
> inanimate object;
LAURIE: (
> it had burned fur and what used to be a red
> leather collar around
its neck.
ALL: (angrily) BOOOOOOOOOOO!
TOM: What’s cheaper than a
dead girlfriend for drama?
SARAH: Hey, Tom, still got
that Newberry Award ready?
TOM: Oh, yeah. And sadly, this is written on the same level
as most of the recent winners.
> Without delay, Yan Lin and the
> others understood
TOM: Altogether now - it truly
was...
ALL: The day their innocence
died.
> as she tearfully chocked
SARAH: *Choked*.
> with all her energy
> “My doggy, Pepper,”
SARAH: Oh, and a *dog*,
too! Thanks, Kate-chan; now I *really*
hate you and your story.
> before going back to weeping and holding her
> beloved pet’s body
next to hers like a mother would a baby.
DOUG: What, no dance
metaphors?
LAURIE: Nice of the firemen to
pull Pepper’s carcass out of the wreckage for her.
> Everyone outside where
the former house stood, including the
> four guardians and
BRIAN: And the firemen, and
the local reporters, and gawkers from down the street...
> hugged her and lamented
> along with her.
SARAH: (guardian) “Don’t
worry, you can always get a new dog.
It’s not like it was a Coach handbag or anything.”
>
> 4444
>
> Meanwhile in
Kandrakar, the council members joined for an urgent
> meeting.
BRIAN: (Oracle) “Chik-Fil-A is
*closed* on Sundays! We need to find a
new caterer!”
>
> “Brothers and
sisters!”
TOM: (Oracle) “Prepare to tear
the roof off this mutha.”
> The Oracle announced with a low frown,
> “Tonight Nerissa, the
Keeper of the Heart
LAURIE: Did some goofy
calisthenics.
> has found out she
> could control the
Heart for other purposes
DOUG: After some warm-up
exercises.
> and caused
> destruction and
death.”
SARAH: (Oracle) “Worse, she
magically moved her hometown next to
BRIAN: (council member) “How
cruel!”
>
> “What should we do,
sir?” a councilman questioned the all-
> powerful being.
TOM: (councilman) “I’m for a
good, stern spanking.”
>
> “That is still pending
since
BRIAN: (Oracle) “The union has
to discuss it first. It might take a few
weeks.”
> this is the first time this has
> ever happened, but I
believe we should
LAURIE: Panic.
> try to send her here so
SARAH: (Oracle) “She can flip
out and try to kill us instead.”
> we can put her on
trial, Althor.” The Oracle replied in a firm
> voice.
DOUG: Oh, goody! They can adapt this into a ‘Law & Order’
episode!
>
> “Where should her
punishment if she’s found guilty?” yet another
> asked The Oracle.
TOM: (Oracle) “Geez... this is
a committee! Why am *I* the only one
making decisions?”
>
> The Oracle sighed
slightly.
LAURIE: (Oracle) “We went over
this last week. Check your minutes.”
> “If she continues this, Sura,” he
> replied, “she’ll be
sent to
>
> “
TOM: (shouting) NEVER HEARD OF
IT!
> THAT’S AMONG THE WORST PUNISHMENT POSSIBLE FOR
> ANYONE!”
SARAH: All they have there is
a Wal-Mart.
> almost everyone in the council exclaimed
DOUG: Using those words, in
perfect unison.
> as they
> started to argue and
talk about it rapidly.
BRIAN: Actually, they’re
discussing theories about ‘Lost’.
>
> “SILENCE, EVERYONE!”
Tibor, The Oracle’s advisor, bellowed in
> attempt to quiet the
councilmen.
TOM: (Tibor) “Dammit, didn’t
work. Someone give me the disco
whistle.”
>
> 4444
>
> Also at the same time,
as Nerissa stood at her bedroom window,
LAURIE: It’s been three hours,
Ris. Go watch some TV or something.
> she became somewhat
unsatisfied with her revenge on
DOUG: While the karma was
appealingly disproportionate, there wasn’t any irony in her punishment. She’d have to work on that.
>
her
> school bully since
Preschool
SARAH: So is this
anti-bullying or anti-retaliation?
Because I’m feeling the latter.
TOM: It’s anti-normal human
behavior.
> even though it was initially
> satisfying to see her
bully grieve over her fallen pet.
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “Really should
try for a parent next time.”
>
Because
> of this, she started
mentally plotting out a hit list of
> everyone who ever gave
her hell.
LAURIE: (overdramatic) Ripped
from the headlines! (calmer) Of the Metro... after a drunk used it as a
hanky.
> Only time would tell what would
> happen next…
DOUG: And how much it would
suck.
>
> End of chapter four
>
> A/N: Whoa! Now that’s
short, even for me!
SARAH: “But then again, I have
the attention span of a gnat.”
> Sorry if this chapter
> sucked (or you were
confused at some parts),
BRIAN: Don’t apologize for
this unless you mean the whole story.
> but I also hope you
> enjoyed reading it
instead.
DOUG: There’s certain things I
enjoy when they suck. This story is not
one of them.
SARAH: (sighs) I’d smack you,
but this story’s sucked out my will to live.
> Don’t forget to post even a short
> review (more than just
one to three words, please)
LAURIE: “Four words is
good! I learned that last week!”
>
before you go
> off to do whatever
you’re planning to do next.
SARAH: So review your story,
*then* pound you like a tough steak.
Gotcha.
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: Y’all know
it, I know it, the Red Panda on my head
> knows it,
TOM: That this isn’t funny
anymore?
> even the guy down the street that works in
that
> Pizzeria next to
Publix knows it-
BRIAN: We know it, too, but
it’s too much of a cheap shot, so we won’t say it.
> I will
never own a series
DOUG: Uh... you forgot the
period. You were doing good with those,
too.
> other than one I have
created, such as my mangas “Stephanie and
> Mew”
LAURIE: “Which is totally not
about me.”
> and
“Remember Jennifer”.
LAURIE: “Also totally not
about me.”
>
> Kate-chan 91’s tidbits
(A/N): Chapter five is here, people!
SARAH: Run for your lives!
> Happy reading!
>
> Chapter Five: Another
Portal
>
> 5555
>
> It was two days after
the fire struck and it was already almost
> completely back to
normal.
TOM:
> The girl Marion and her family were
> sent to a homeless
shelter
BRIAN: To go hang with Kadma
and Halinor.
LAURIE: No, that’s the
library.
> as their former neighbors worked
> tirelessly to
reconstruct their home,
SARAH: *Lots* of load-bearing
posters.
> while the five guardians
> were back in school
learning just about every subject
> imaginable.
TOM: Math was excluded from
the curriculum, but Modernist Deconstruction wasn’t.
> As usual, Kadma had finished her biology
project
> early so she earned
more free-time,
BRIAN: To hang around the
library?
> Cassidy was using her
> “special ability” to
control which questions the teacher asked
LAURIE: Her special bribery
ability.
> so she would like the
smart one,
DOUG: (after a long pause) Um,
you don’t like the smart one when you omit important words. Like ‘look’.
> Yan Lin was doodling due to the
> boredom of the
atmosphere of her Algebra class,
LAURIE: Is there some rule
that female fan-authors should have no brain or love for Math?
DOUG: Well, let’s look at
their meager English skills for their academic skill levels and just move on
from there.
>
Halinor passed
> notes to her other
friends
SARAH: (note) “Stuck in crappy
fanfic about superteam. Send help.”
> and Nerissa once again sped up the
> time in Homeroom.
TOM: Using her amazing powers
of futzing with the clocks’ motors.
>
> As they were going
home, however, Nerissa dropped down with a
> throbbing pain in her
head.
BRIAN: Someone psychically
sent all of the author’s notes into her mind!
LAURIE: Oh, no - she’s a
goner!
>
> “Another portal is
nearby!” Yan Lin declared as she started
> examining the
crumbled, antique brown map.
SARAH: (Yan) “Oh, and
Nerissa’s choking on her tongue, but that can wait.”
>
> “Come on, guys, let’s
help Nerissa up before we go; she’s in
> pain!” Cassidy cried
TOM: Make sure to move her
spine around a lot. Oh, and if she’s
conscious, feed her some lukewarm egg foo young.
> in concern to the other two girls
DOUG: Who decided that they
*had* to shop for ringtones *right now*.
>
as Yan
> Lin found the portal’s
location.
SARAH: Exit 328-A towards the
>
> “Alright, the next
portal is near the park!”
LAURIE: (Yan) “So when we’re
done, we can go to the snack cart and get a churro.”
> Yan Lin yelled
> straight away as she
rolled the map and tossed it into her skirt
> pocket.
DOUG: You guys remember
‘Parker Lewis Can’t Lose’ and the kid with the backpack?
TOM: Kinda...
LAURIE: Sorry.
BRIAN: Nope.
SARAH: Not at all.
DOUG: Shame, ‘cuz right now,
that’s all I picture.
> Carrying a groaning Nerissa, the four
guardians ran
> swiftly
BRIAN: As they could, if they
each held one of Nerissa’s limbs to carry her.
> towards to the green park.
SARAH: How do you make a
*park* compliant with environmentally friendly energy usage standards?
>
> After Cassidy gave
Nerissa a spray of water to make her more
> concentrated,
TOM: And wash off that onion funk
she always had...
DOUG: Shouldn’t water dilude?
> Nerissa thrust her hand out and the Heart of
> Kandrakar emerged.
TOM: A transformation scene
this late in the game? That can only
mean one thing - naptime.
(ALL start snoring, snoozing,
etc. Someone does the Curly Snore.)
> Immediately, the Heart divided into different
> color teardrops and
each and every one of the girls was
> surrounded by the
teardrop and magic that suited their element
> and color. As they
were surrounded by magic, the girls underwent
> the transformation
that made them go from normal girls to
> guardians of the veil.
>
> Afterward,
SARAH: (drowsily) Huh...? Oh, transformation’s over, guys.
(OTHERS stop snoring and yawn,
stretch, smack their lips, etc.)
> they lined up side-by-side of each other in
front of
> the portal.
LAURIE: They’re using the
Rockettes’ method for fighting evil.
> However, they didn’t want to get too close
BRIAN: The portal’s funk was
overwhelming.
>
as Yan
> Lin almost got sucked
into one the first time they tried to
> close one.
DOUG: In that scene far too
exciting to risk having you, the delicate audience, see.
> Little did they know, however was that a
monster from
> Metamoor,
TOM: Named Melvin the
Malignant.
> the land of the evil people whom
(DOUG grumbles.)
> wanted war and
> destruction
SARAH: First person to make an
even *remotely* political joke gets fed into the pasta press.
> was behind them.
BRIAN: (monster) “Guess who’s
touching you...”
> As a result, Halinor, Yan Lin and
> Cassidy were captured.
LAURIE: Oh, if only it had
five arms instead of three...
TOM: Their bold plan of
standing around and doing nothing had somehow backfired.
>
> They fought with all
their power but were unsuccessful into
> having him let them
go.
DOUG: Trust us, the details
would just bore you.
SARAH: They certainly appear
to have bored the author.
BRIAN: Just like the source
material.
> When they were unsuccessful,
TOM: They decided to try
bribery.
>
they begged
> for help since they
were, well, helpless.
LAURIE: But Nerissa and Kadma
were too busy playing Crazy 8s to bother.
>
> Luckily for them,
their friend Kadma was running after the blue
> monster
SARAH: (author) “Who was,
like, moving and stuff. Did I mention he
was moving? Yeah, he was moving.”
> in an attempt to catch up with him and rescue
her
> friends.
BRIAN: And train for her
mini-marathon.
> However, as she was doing so, her free friend,
LAURIE: The one that came from
her box of Froot Loops.
>
Nerissa,
> just stood there.
DOUG: She’d stepped into the
quick-drying cement.
>
> “Nerissa, what do you
think you’re waiting for?
TOM: (Nerissa) “A jackhammer -
I’m stuck!”
>
That big ape has
> our friends!”
SARAH: Oh, too late. He’s back in his homeworld, loading up the
stew pot.
DOUG: Wait... so Donkey Kong’s
from Metamoor?
> she yelled in a rough voice;
LAURIE: that’s what happens
when you smoke ten packs a day.
> she was clearly angry
> about this.
BRIAN: But not as angry as she
was about the fate of the wild budgerigar.
>
> Instead, Nerissa just
kept smiling and standing.
TOM: (Nerissa, dimly) “Popcorn
is yummy...”
>
> Kadma called louder as
she was running. “NERISSA! GET OVER HERE
> AND HELP ME!”
DOUG: Not if you’re gonna be
bossy about it.
>
> This time, Nerissa
just simply brought out her palm
SARAH: (Nerissa) “Give me some
Gummi Bears, and I’ll help.”
>
and let the
> Heart of Kandrakar
emerge again.
TOM: What, no scrunching up to
meditate again?
> She seemed to concentrate her
> energy on the Heart
and the monster at the same time.
BRIAN: And drank a milkshake
and watched ‘Dancing with the Stars’.
>
A ray of
> pink light came
rushing out at that moment;
DOUG: Zamaron attack! Run!
> it successfully made
> its target at the
monster,
LAURIE: Left earlobe, its
secret weakness.
> which let go of her friends
> immediately.
SARAH: Right in the limbo
between realities, never to be seen again.
>
> Since the portal was
starting to close itself again,
DOUG: Disengaging
chevrons... chevron one, disengaged...
chevron two, disen-
TOM: *Stop*.
>
the monster
> panicked and ran into
the portal.
BRIAN: It was terrified of
human cooties.
> As soon as it stomped into the
> swirling bluish white
light,
SARAH: Its mother told it to
stop stomping like that.
> the portal closed itself with a
> loud “BOOM!” sound.
TOM: That doesn’t go to
Metamoor - that goes to Apokolips!
>
> The recently freed Yan
Lin checked the map again
LAURIE: (Yan) “I’ve gotta find
the nearest Sonic Drive-In!”
>
in case it
> closed itself again;
DOUG: so they wouldn’t have to
get off their duffs to do it.
> it had done it before.
BRIAN: Again, in a scene far
too thrilling for the audience to stand seeing described.
> She looked on the
> place where the portal
was
TOM: And found it had already
been replaced with a Starbucks.
> and found it gone.
LAURIE: Nah, it turned into a
Saladworks. That’s why it’s closed
already.
>
> “Well guys,” she said
with a smile, “It looks like portal number
> eight has no vacancy
for now!”
SARAH: Uh...
DOUG: I’m just gonna pretend
she’s *supposed* to be obvious and intentionally not-witty, kind of like Star
Boy.
>
> All five of the tired
guardians whooped with joy.
ALL: (a la Curly) Whoop-whoowhoowhoowhoop-whoop...
>
> Well, all of them
except for Kadma,
SARAH: She preferred
‘Yee-haw’.
> that is. Instead, she was
> thinking about
BRIAN: Who she liked on
‘Project Runway’.
> how Nerissa controlled the Heart like that.
LAURIE: What, actually *using*
it? Yeah, sounds *very* sinister.
> Usually, Nerissa just
DOUG: Hid behind a rock and
cried for Mommy.
BRIAN: I thought that was you.
DOUG: *Shut*. *Up*.
> used her actual energy,
TOM: Because her control over
absolute energy made it so... *huh*?!
BRIAN: This is why you really
should know the source material before you accept a fic challenge, of which
this story positively *reeks*.
> but it looked like
> something was starting
to sound fishy;
LAURIE: Making gurgle and
glub-glub noises?
> she had the thought
> Nerissa had previously
used the Heart for something that wasn’t
> portal related…
TOM: Foreshadowing. Think about it, won’t you?
>
> End of Chapter Five
>
> A/N: That’s all for
now. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> Don’t forget to review
before you go, please.
SARAH: I can’t. I’d be arrested for public indecency.
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: Even the
Almighty Red Panda in my head says I don’t
> own the actual
W.I.T.C.H. series, so shut up.
DOUG: See, *this* is what you
get when parents *over* encourage their kids.
>
> Kate-chan 91’s tidbits
(A/N): Yes, I do have a Red Panda in my
> head…
SARAH: Well, it’s swelled
enough, so there’s plenty of room for it.
LAURIE: What do you mean?
SARAH: C’mon, the disclaimers,
the review responses, the notes beginning *and* ending the chapters... a good
third of this story is Kate-chan showboating.
If that’s not swell-headed, I don’t know what is.
DOUG: How about that rant?
SARAH: Keep it up, and you’ll
get a swelled lip.
> and (S) HE ROCKS!
LAURIE: Huh. You think you’d know your disassociative
identity’s gender by now.
>
> KaNdRaKaRgrl,
TOM: Torgo’s long lost child.
> thank you very much for reviewing; you have
given
> me lots of courage
BRIAN: To jump into that cobra
pit.
> (not to mention Santeen and Cornelia)
DOUG: But their names are
typed too normally to warrant a special mention.
>
that
> I’ve done a good job.
(ALL snicker.)
TOM: Let’s just step away from
this one, shall we?
> That’s one of the best reviews I’ve had in
> a long time.
LAURIE: “Like, ‘ritemorplz’ in
CAPS?! You’re the best!”
> (Throws toast to you)
SARAH: And she’s pecked to death
by angry, starving pigeons. Way to go,
Kate-chan.
>
> Anyway, here’s the
sixth chapter of Two Tainted Hearts!
>
> Chapter Six: Luba
>
> (Route) 66 (Route) 66
(ALL groan.)
BRIAN: I really, *really* miss
the random strings of stars.
>
> Back in Kandrakar, the
Oracle had already resumed his usual
> business of
DOUG: Watching ‘Unbeatable
Banzuke’ and eating Cheez-Its.
> meditating in the
TOM: His mantra just happened
to sound like snoring.
> Accompanying
> him, as you know, was
his advisor
TOM: Harvey Lipschitz from H
& R Block.
LAURIE: Smithers?
> Tibor,
LAURIE: Which is alien for
‘Smithers’.
> who seemed old and
> withered
SARAH: Too much time in
tanning beds does that.
> compared to the Oracle laden with his youthful
> appearance.
TOM: Yeah, youth is *such* a
burden.
DOUG: Hey, you ever watch me
try to buy drinks? I can’t get anyone to
believe I was born in the Eighties.
SARAH: Lady Blackhawk has it
worse, dude.
>
> As the Oracle was
conducting his usual business on that day,
BRIAN: Of doing nothing and
hoping it looked mystical.
> however, he was
expecting a visitor:
TOM: The person in the chapter
headline? Nah...
LAURIE: The cable guy.
BRIAN: The Kay Chemical
inspector.
DOUG: Zatanna! *Rowr*!
SARAH: It’s gonna be
Kate-chan, I know it.
> Luba.
TOM: As featured in the
chapter title! I was right!
> Luba with her feline-
> resembling face
SARAH: That she kept in a jar?
DOUG: She never got over her
rejected audition for ‘Cats’.
> (complete with whiskers)
LAURIE: Ew! Nair those!
> had the job of
BRIAN: Getting coffee and
lunches and catching mice.
> protecting the
guardians of the veil’s magic.
TOM: Day and night she sat
guarding it, armed only with a flyswatter...
> She was also a
> member of the
congregation,
LAURIE: Although she’d only
give two bucks at offering and never participated in any activities.
> and one of the few of them all to
> quickly and
efficiently
BRIAN: Alphabetize her DVD
collection.
> analyze and find all the possible
> hazards in a
situation.
DOUG: Like using dried
spaghetti as a building material or letting an orangutan fly your plane.
>
> Right on time, the
Oracle thought with a smile
SARAH: (Oracle) “Now I won’t
have to right her up for tardiness.”
> as she came
> storming down one of
the temple’s grand corridors demanding to
> see him.
TOM: Is it just me, or does
having a boss who sees everything, knows what’s going to happen when, and just
sits on his duff all day sound really irritating?
BRIAN: Sounds like every boss
I’ve ever had.
>
> Tibor, who was behind
him,
DOUG: Crying like a baby...
> barricaded her way towards him,
> however,
LAURIE: (Tibor) “He’s *mine*,
you hussy!” (slaps hands together)
> refusing her passage with
BRIAN: A blow to the head from
a hammer.
> “The
Oracle does not have the
> time to speak with you
at this moment, Luba;
SARAH: (Tibor) “He’s on
lunch.”
> please come back
> later.”
TOM: (Luba) “But I have an
appointment - let me get my card.”
>
> “This is urgent, I
need to speak with him now!”
LAURIE: (Luba) “He ate the
last of my Cheez-Its!”
>
she retorted
DOUG: (Inigo Montoya) “This
word you keep using. I do not think it
means what you think it means.”
>
as
> she managed to push
him from her walkway.
SARAH: And he plunged to the
depths below, never to be seen again.
>
> Tibor was laden with
ire
TOM: *Someone* just discovered
Thesaurus.Com.
> and just about to fight her back
BRIAN: If he tried to fight
her front, she’d eat him alive.
>
when
> the Oracle raised his
hand and said,
LAURIE: (Oracle) “High five!”
> “Leave her alone, Tibor,
> I’ve been expecting
her.
BRIAN: (Oracle) “I had this
written on the calendar - didn’t you check it?”
> She knows my decision about our
> problem.”
DOUG: Namely, if a snack in
the kitchen’s not labeled, it’s up for grabs.
>
> “You must enforce your
decisions immediately, Oracle!” she
> yelled.
TOM: (Oracle) “I *am* - notice
how I haven’t *once* gotten off my butt, just like I planned.”
> “The Keeper of the Heart has already caused
destruction
> and the death of a
loved animal with the Heart!
LAURIE: (Luba) “And she used
it to steal cable, too!”
>
What will she do
> in the near future?
SARAH: Sleep or eat are sure
bets.
> You’ve observed many murderers,
BRIAN: Not really. Those were ‘CSI’ reruns.
>
so don’t
> tell me you are not
aware she may even eventually destroy the
> very towns and cities
of innocent people she has been instructed
> with protecting!”
DOUG: that’s how most
murderers start. They do some
superheroics, but next thing you know, they’re roasting whole housing
developments.
>
> “Luba,” the Oracle
responded,
TOM: (Oracle) “Lick me.”
> “this has never happened before.
SARAH: (Oracle) “so let’s just
ignore it, and it’ll fall in line.”
>
I
> believe we should look
a little longer just in case
BRIAN: Nerissa does something
cool like declare war on Wal-Mart.
>
she may get
> her thoughts straight
as she’s still doing her job,
TOM: Even if she *is* making a
necklace of her enemies’ ears.
>
and very
> nicely I may add.”
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Only one
portal-closing was even interesting enough to describe, and that was mostly
because her teammate was paranoid.”
>
> Luba had red blush
taking over her face
DOUG: Playing in Mommy’s
make-up again?
> as she grew even further
> into a rage.
BRIAN: (Luba, extra deep)
“LUBA SMASH!”
> “Did you not notice,” she said, “the Heart is
> slowing becoming
black,
SARAH: Uh... no. You just told us now.
> laden with the evil consuming the Keeper
> of the Heart? I can
sense it!”
LAURIE: She and Kadma share
foreshadowing powers.
>
> “I’ll watch over her
more often for the next of what humans call
> a week.
DOUG: (Oracle) “Except for
Brit-com night. You take that one.”
> If she does something very unacceptable
in-between that
> time period,
BRIAN: (Oracle) “Especially in
the shower - that place is a hotbed of corruption.”
> she’ll be sent here through the air colored
bridge
SARAH: The Newark-air-colored
bridge. It’s the same color as Taco Bell
vomit.
> to stand trial.”
>
> Luba growled in anger
and turned around to leave.
TOM: Oh, spoiled baby didn’t
get her way?
>
Just before
> she walked away, she
spoke these final words to the Oracle:
LAURIE: (Luba) “I happen to
*like* Miracle Whip.”
> “Be
> aware, Oracle, that if
the world is destroyed,
DOUG: Then it’s gonna come
back in a few months with some slight changes.
> it is your fault.
> You haven’t been doing
your job too well, lately.”
TOM: And then the Oracle
killed her.
>
> End of Chapter Six
>
> A/N: Whoo, that was
short, even for me.
SARAH: Again, you hear any
complaining?
> Before you leave, I
> would like to tell you
LAURIE: “How much I *love*
having a captive audience.”
> I hope you were satisfied in reading this
(ALL snicker.)
> and review before you
leave.
BRIAN: “But it better be a
good review, or I’ll report you for abuse.”
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: W.I.T.C.H.
is initially constructed in
> it’s sent and
translated to other countries.
DOUG: Kind of like the Statue
of Liberty.
TOM: Yes, W.I.T.C.H., a great
ambassador of peace!
> I’m going to
> for the first time in
June-
SARAH: Whoop-dee-doo.
> how I can I own the series then?
BRIAN: You could actually
*buy* a book instead of reading outlines on Wikipedia.
>
> Kate-chan 91’s tidbits
(A/N): Wow… I’ve actually updated this…
> Just to tell y’all, I
rarely update if I have a lack of reviews,
LAURIE: “I’m an emotionally
needy pseudo-blackmailer. Isn’t that
cute?”
SARAH: Keep in mind the kind
of person who’d *want* to see this story continue...
> but still… I updated!
TOM: “Now gimme my trophy.”
>
> Anyway, enjoy this
chapter!
>
> Chapter Seven:
Betrayal
>
> 7777
>
> The last two weeks
were hectic for everyone in the town of
> Heatherfield. First of
all,
DOUG: It was town-wide No
Traffic Lights Week.
> severe thunderstorms suddenly formed
> out of nowhere, even
when weather conditions weren’t suitable
> for such weather.
LAURIE: And the weatherman
talked about weathery stuff on their weather reports on Weather Hour all the
time!
> Furthermore, these very storms caused
> devastating fires to
occur,
BRIAN: Damn that flammable
rain.
TOM: 100% kerosene.
> therefore making local firefighters
> busier than ever.
SARAH: the cats would just
have to get themselves out of the trees for once.
> In addition, paramedics and other hospital
> personnel rarely had time
for even a lunch break since so many
> fire victims were
coming in to be treated.
TOM: The sight of burn victims
covered in hoagie crumbs became alarmingly common.
> Last but not least,
> five girls were constantly
waiting and searching
DOUG: (girl) “Man, is *every*
other search result porn?”
>
for the final
> part of their task to
appear:
SARAH: The Mini they’d have to
convert into a bus for a marching band.
> the twelfth and final portal,
LAURIE: The Portal of Evil?
>
the
> sole remaining open
stitch in the fabric of the veil.
BRIAN: but was it
dancing? A metaphor means nothing unless
it’s dance-related.
> Consequently, one
question popped in their heads during the
> final countdown:
DOUG: When would DC publish
that mini about the ghost Dibnys solving supernatural mysteries?
TOM: (singing) It’s the FI-nal
countdown!
> When and where in their beautiful town would
it
> strike?
TOM: Turns out it was two
states away. Oops.
>
> That very question was
answered at the end of that fortnight
DOUG: I’d do the vocab word
chant, but I’m pretty sure she got that one from ‘The Simpsons’.
> when one of the girls,
Nerissa,
LAURIE: You know, the
instantly evil one?
> collapsed onto the sidewalk with
> a mind numbing
headache
SARAH: Okay, who’s downloading
the entire story into her head *again*?
> which made her extremely dizzy.
BRIAN: Wait, no, that was the
booze.
SARAH: And she walks in front
of a speeding bus and dies. The end.
>
This had
> become stationary
(ALL laugh.)
TOM: We should’ve saved that
Inigo quote, kids.
> for the girls as time progressed. Immediately
> responding to this,
three of the other four helped transport her
DOUG: (girl) “Light as a feather,
heavy as lead, dead as a doornail - *lift*!”
> while the fifth and
final girl Yan Lin traced the whereabouts of
> the final portal via
her map,
LAURIE: (Yan) “Okay, if we get
onto the Turnpike and take exit 5B, we’ll get there in an hour.”
> antique and enchanted.
TOM: Even though that *jerk*
on ‘Antiques Roadshow’ said it was only worth $600.
>
> When the girls reached
the location of the final portal,
BRIAN: The middle of Wal-Mart?
LAURIE: It *is* a portal of
evil!
>
the
> local power plant,
TOM: Okay, everyone, no
‘Simpsons’ jokes. Too easy.
> they checked if the coast was clear before
> Nerissa let out her
palm,
BRIAN: Good thing that
meltdown had needed all the employees to evacuate before they arrived.
> causing the Heart of Kandrakar to
> emerge for the final
time. It then proceeded to divide into five
> different colored
teardrops,
SARAH: (singing) Red and
yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue...
> one for each girl and element.
> Drifting towards each
girl in the manner of her element, they
> changed them from
average citizens to the super-powered,
> beautiful guardians of
the veil.
LAURIE: The last repetitive
transformation sequence, ladies and gentlemen!
(ALL cheer.)
>
> As soon as their brief
transformations
BRIAN: But not brief enough.
> were completed, the five
> guardians lined up
together in front of the giant portal.
DOUG: Stock footage in fanfics
- who knew?
>
As
> they were about to
magically shut it out of business,
SARAH: The weekly reactor-overheating
began, and they were roasted by irradiated winds.
>
Nerissa
> suddenly remembered
the worst times she had experienced with her
> friends,
(ALL laugh.)
LAURIE: Nerissa’s corruption
comes in huge, random leaps.
BRIAN: Time for their
‘Judgment Night’ story.
> including Yan Lin accidentally spilt fresh
from the wok
> Chinese food onto her
lap when they were eight
TOM: Half her life, and
there’s still scars shaped like mini-corn on her thighs.
> and when Cassidy
> not once, but twice
unintentionally “bumped” into her while she
> was on her red
bicycle; a six-year-old Nerissa left the hospital
> emergency room with a
cast and a pair of crutches for her broken
> leg.
DOUG: Nerissa’s bike was made
of lead.
> All
these flashbacks
SARAH: Were exceedingly
pathetic.
LAURIE: So, who’s more
pathetic here - the character for holding these weak grudges, or the author for
thinking they’re somehow dramatic?
SARAH: I think you know the
answer.
> happened as her and their magic
> combined into one
magical bullet
TOM: The same one that would
drive JFK conspiracy theorists insane.
> towards the portal, which
> exploded into infinity
upon impact.
BRIAN: So, does that mean the
portal consumed the whole world?
DOUG: It means the author was
playing with Thesaurus.Com again and not quite getting it.
>
> Their celebration was
a short one, however.
LAURIE: The cops arrested them
for breaking local noise laws.
> They didn’t even
> realize they were
still in guardian form until
TOM: They went home and tried
to fit into their pajamas.
> Yan Lin flew into
> the air long after
they were supposed to change back.
SARAH: They were?
BRIAN: (bitterly) *No*. If Kate-chan had even passing familiarity
with the source material, she’d know that.
SARAH: You’re not taking her
meager reading comprehension into account, though.
>
> “What is going on?”
Kadma stated, summing up everyone’s
> thoughts.
DOUG: Nah. She’d have to say, (deep breath)
“Duuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...”
> “I thought we would change back as soon as we
closed
> the twelfth portal!”
>
> “Maybe the Oracle
himself wants to see us!” Yan Lin
> hypothesized.
SARAH: wow, a vocab word used
semi-correctly!
TOM: Maybe this is a ‘Flowers
for Algernon’ thing.
DOUG: I *hope* so.
>
> “That’s possible… but
how would we get to Kandrakar?
LAURIE: (Yan) “Greyhound has a
deal...”
BRIAN: (Nerissa) “*Hell*, no!”
>
We can’t
> fly- only you can!
BRIAN: Don’t pretend you know
any canon *now*...
> I also don’t thing we
LAURIE: Had an editor?
> will actually go to the
> point of teleporting
us there!” Nerissa pointed out.
TOM: As she pointily pointed
at the point.
DOUG: What the heck is she
talking about?
>
> “Well, Great Auntie
Carole did tell me
SARAH: (Cassidy) “That if you
chew your hair, you’ll cough up hairballs.”
> you can reach Kandrakar
> by crossing an
air-colored bridge…”
TOM: But first you have to
climb up a tall vine, and you’ll have to pick up all the coins on it first.
> Cassidy told Nerissa and the
> other guardians.
LAURIE: You know, the girl
with the map and those other two.
>
> Halinor responded,
“Interesting! Now to find the bridge…”
>
> As they were walking
around the plant for the air-colored
> bridge,
DOUG: It should be glowing
green by now, thanks to the power plant.
> Nerissa started asking herself questions What
would
> Kandrakar be like?
BRIAN: And will it have a
Dairy Queen?
> What would the Oracle say to them, and what
> would happen to them?
TOM: He’ll probably tell them
to bite him and laugh as they’re kicked out.
> Would the Oracle- No, he wouldn’t, no,
> couldn’t take the
Heart away from her…
LAURIE: Nerissa thinks of
herself in the third person often...
> Cassidy’s great aunt had
> it with her the day
they became guardians…
SARAH: Ris, you know how
people like to steal office supplies after they’re fired?
> But Nerissa kept
> thinking,
DOUG: And she walked right
into a support column.
> it was possible for her to have received the
Heart
> from Kandrakar that
day… Nerissa wouldn’t allow it!
LAURIE: Well, enough with this
internal monologue! Time for an
outburst!
>
> “STOP!” the Keeper of
the Heart suddenly yelled.
TOM: TRAMPLE! RAZE!
ANNIHILATE!
> The remaining
> guardians turned
around and stared at her with expressions on
> their faces asking,
BRIAN: (girls) “What the hell
has she been smoking?!”
> ‘What is going on?’
DOUG: Oh, nothing much. Nerissa’s just going to snack on the scenery.
>
> “We… shouldn’t go to
Kandrakar.” She replied to their body
> language.
>
> “Okay… and why
shouldn’t we again?” Cassidy asked.
SARAH: (Nerissa) “It’s full of
Massholes.”
BRIAN: (Cassidy) “You’re
thinking of
>
> “Don’t you see? The
Oracle may take away the very gifts no one
> else has!
LAURIE: Except for some
superheroes, and the Sailor Scouts, and several teams of Power Rangers, and
Aang and his friends.
> I will not cross a bridge to a place where
DOUG: (Nerissa) “They don’t
have any microbreweries.”
>
I may lose
> the one thing that
kept me going through
TOM: That semester of Health
where the coach tried to explain human reproduction.
> twelve headaches that
> were so severe aspirin
couldn’t help me!”
LAURIE: How about
Tylenol? Excedrin? Motrin?
Bayer? Aleve? Prozac?
>
> “We’re still going to
be your friends, Nerissa…“ Cassidy
> attempted to reassure
her.
SARAH: If Nerissa actually
falls for this glurge, I’ll hurl.
TOM: and the odds of that are
nil. We’re dealing with exceptionally
stupid characters written by an exceptionally stupid author.
>
> “YOU DON’T
UNDERSTAND!” Nerissa screamed at the top of her
> lungs. “I’M NOT
TALKING ABOUT
BRIAN: SHAFT!
> YOU GUYS, I’M TALKING ABOUT THE
> HEART OF KANDRAKAR!”
>
> All four other
guardians were completely flabbergasted
LAURIE: (author) “Let’s see...
what’s a long-looking word for ‘shocked’?
... Ooh, that has way more
letters!”
>
as the
> Keeper of the Heart
and their fellow guardian turned and slowly
> walked towards them.
DOUG: I am so baffled by the
blocking in this, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all in different states.
> When she reached them, she said,
TOM: (Nerissa, hoarsely)
“Anyone got a throat drop?”
> “I can
> always replace certain
things. Friendship is one of them…
SARAH: So are your
sneakers. Your point?
> CASSIDY!”
>
> “Y-y-yes?”
>
> Nerissa moved back a
couple of steps.
LAURIE: (Nerissa) “Her breath
smells like garlic and gym shoes...”
> “Come here!”
TOM: (Nerissa) “Good
Cassidy! Here’s your biscuit.”
>
she yelled
> when she stopped. The
water guardian slowly stepped towards her
> friend.
BRIAN: She has a brain the
size of a sunflower seed.
>
> Cassidy didn’t expect
for a second that Nerissa would wrap her
> hands around
ALL: Gah!
> her neck.
ALL: Phew!
DOUG: You *know* fanfic has
gotten bad when you can’t tell a murder scene from a sex scene.
> She could feel the life being sucked out
> of her as
LAURIE: Nerissa rammed a Shop
Vac down her throat.
> force was further applied; it felt great to
breathe
> again when Nerissa released
her grip and pushed her back.
SARAH: Wow, Nerissa’s bored
already? Her attention span’s shorter
than the author’s.
>
> “Nerissa, why are you
doing th-“ Cassidy didn’t even her
> sentence
BRIAN: Her brain shut down
again.
> when Nerissa blasted a hot-pink ray of magic
at her to
> the point you couldn’t
even see her.
DOUG: Look, you have way too
many sentences in the shop. Just start
fresh, okay?
> When everything cleared,
> Cassidy couldn’t be
seen;
TOM: Everyone else had been
blinded.
> she had been reduced to a tiny pile of
> soot.
SARAH: Dammit. Get the Dust Buster.
TOM: Somehow, being reduced to
ashes made her *smarter*.
>
> As Nerissa walked
towards the remaining three guardians,
BRIAN: Wait, they just *stood*
there?! What the hell?!f
LAURIE: Worst. Heroes.
Ever.
>
whom
> obviously were
appalled that anyone, especially a friend had
> killed one of them,
DOUG: And left a mess, too.
> an evil smile was pasted onto her face.
LAURIE: And her make-up had
magically darkened, and she was wearing a black leather dominatrix outfit with
fishnets and platform spike heels.
> Unlike their fallen
guardian, however,
TOM: Their brains were the
size of a cashew.
BRIAN: Maybe collectively.
> they knew what could
> happen.
>
> “Oh no, you don’t!”
Halinor exclaimed with anger.
LAURIE: (Halinor) “Oh, no, you
di-hint!”
>
> “You may have killed
one of us, you heartless creep, but the
> rest of us are ready
to fight you!”
SARAH: It’s Knee-Jerk Theater.
LAURIE: Vengeance takes hold
almost as fast as power madness.
> Yan Lin said.
>
> “We’ll fight you with
both our hearts beating as one!” Kadma
> yelled at Nerissa.
DOUG: (Kadma) “Halinor and I
only have half a piece each. Sorry.”
>
> “United we stand-“
>
> “Divided we fall-“
>
> “In our struggle to
avenge Cassidy!”
TOM: And be as pretentious as
possible doing it!
>
> End of Chapter Seven
>
> A/N: It’s going to be
rrreeallly violent
DOUG: (excited) Does Black
Adam show up and rip someone in half?
> as far as I can tell
> next chappie!
SARAH: If it’s gonna be the
author, then I’m all for it.
>
> Before you go and
review, I would like to clear up two things:
DOUG: “I don’t know who took
those photos, and I *definitely* don’t know why the goat was there.”
>
> 1) I know that it’s
Thanos, not Thorus; the mountain’s name is
> changed for a reason:
BRIAN: You didn’t read the
source material.
> It’s not named that yet!
LAURIE: It’s named ‘Rupert’.
> The Oracle will
> change it at the end
of this fanfic, honese injun.
SARAH: You mean ‘honese Native
American’.
>
> 2) Okay, okay, so
Cassidy actually died during the fight in the
> original W.I.T.C.H.,
but something intrigued me to somewhat
> alter it for some
reason.
BRIAN: Because you can’t just
admit that you didn’t read the source material, you lazy punk.
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: In case
you're wondering, I don't make any money out
> of doing this
LAURIE: Thank God for that.
> and I am just a fourteen-year-old advanced
student
(ALL stare for a beat, then
laugh in complete disbelief.)
TOM: I’m hoping it’s a school
where ‘advanced’ is used in lieu of ‘special’ and that the standards haven’t
fallen *this* low.
> just writing a
fanwork. NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND!
LAURIE: That you’re stupid and
annoying? Definitely.
>
> Kate-chan 91's tidbits
(A/N): There are three more chapters to
> go;
SARAH: Crap.
DOUG: Better than ten.
> I'll
probably finish this by either tomorrow or late this
> Saturday if I get the
creativity juices flowing.
BRIAN: See that bottle with
the skull and crossbones on it? The
juices are in there - go drink it.
>
> Enjoy!
>
> Chapter Eight:
Vengence for Cassidy
DOUG: Or ‘Kate-chan Tries to
Describe an Epic Battle in under Ten Seconds’.
>
> 8888
>
> Time was non-existant
during the battle which was not intended
> to be seen by mortal
eyes.
LAURIE: Only the soulless eyes
of tabloid reporters were there to observe it.
> Nerissa was the first to attack by
> harnessing the town's
electricity, causing the first blackout in
> Heatherfield since
electricity was initially introduced to the
> town.
SARAH: PSE&G should
seriously think about consulting with that electric company.
> She then proceeded into causing another severe
> thunderstorm, which
had lightning bolts striking at the other
> guardians.
BRIAN: This is the weirdest
game of Tag ever.
LAURIE: And you’d know.
> Halinor, Kadma and Yan Lin barely avoided
being hit
> when a lightning bolt
struck a tree, causing it to fall to the
> ground and get set on
fire.
TOM: Uh... are you saying the
ground set it on fire?
DOUG: Unlike
> Kadma then pointed her finger at the
> dirt,
LAURIE: (Kadma) “Ew! Grotty little worms!”
> which started moving towards the fire in order
to
> estinguish it.
DOUG: I’m really hoping it’s
one of those Sandworms from Dune under there, and it’s puckish.
>
> Nerissa was obviously
very angry about this.
SARAH: Getting her beautiful
flaming tree dirty - the nerve!
> Screaming, she
> concentrated on the
Heart and created a monster that was made
> out of the fire that
was consuming another tree.
BRIAN: Y’know, it shouldn’t
bother me by now, *but*...
>
It then spat
> fireballs at the
girls,
TOM: Too many hot wings?
> whom barely managed to dodge the attack.
DOUG: Those new lead boots
they added to their uniforms turned out to be a miscalculation.
>
> "Kadma, what are
we going to do? This is already completely
> rediculous!"
(DOUG groans.)
LAURIE: You shouldn’t be
shocked that spell checker is too complicated by now, really.
> Halinor yelled at the earth guardian after
they
> dodged another three
fireballs.
SARAH: (Kadma) “Dammit,
Halinor, you’re supposed to be firing those at Nerissa!”
>
> "I'm thinking,
I'm thinking!" she muttered as she pulled her
> hair.
TOM: Keep that up, and you’ll
go bald.
> Suddenly, she concoted a plan.
BRIAN: (Kadma) “Yan, you sing
a ragtime number, and Halinor, you do exactly ten cartwheels - no more, no
less. And make sure you’re dressed like
Edwardian poets! I’ll go get the Cookie
Crisp!”
> "Yan Lin- you'll fly into
> the sky and alert us
if anything comes up.
DOUG: If you’re not struck by
lightning or anything...
> Halinor- since you're
> now a sitting duck,
LAURIE: (Kadma) “You die, so
we have someone else to mourn to give this scene some more weight. It’s okay, though, since you’re homeless and
all.”
> you'll hit Nerissa when Yan Lin gives you
> this signal,"
BRIAN: Flipping someone off
isn’t really a good signal.
> she whispered to them as she flapped her arms
up
> and down like a bird
would do.
SARAH: Yeah, flailing around
like an idiot - Nerissa will *never* notice that.
TOM: Given the level of
intelligence, she probably wouldn’t.
>
> "What are you
going to do?" Yan Lin asked.
DOUG: (Kadma) “Leave town. You suckers are on your own.”
>
> "I'll keep
extinguishing the flames from the lightning that hits
> the tree."
BRIAN: (Kadma) “From my lawn
chair, while I drink some fine wine.”
>
> "Now let's go
kick some butt!" Yan Lin yelled as the girls
> seperated to their
assigned positions.
LAURIE: Strategic attack or
middle-school talent show sketch? You
make the call.
>
> 8888
>
> Back at Kandrakar, the
Oracle was in the Circle of Knowing,
> witnessing the battle
with a sad look pasted on his face.
SARAH: (Oracle) “I thought
this was gonna be a Phils game...”
>
> "What's wrong,
Oracle?" Tibor asked the all-powerful being.
TOM: (Oracle) “They cancelled
‘Creature Comforts’.”
>
> "Luba was
right... something awful was going to happen."
DOUG: Well, it’s too late now
to play Armchair Omnipotent Being.
>
> "What is
it?"
BRIAN: Honestly? Natural selection in action.
>
> "The Keeper of
the Heart, Nerissa, has destroyed a fellow
> guardian."
TOM: (Oracle) “Granted, it was
the dumbest of the guardians, but it’s the *principle* of the matter.”
> The Oracle then thought, What have I done?
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Oh, that’s
right - nothing. That’s what I usually
do.”
>
> 8888
SARAH: Y’know, I have enough
of my powers left to see what the Domos had planned for us had we not been
cancelled.
TOM: And...?
SARAH: This wouldn’t be our
only Kate-chan masterpiece. He had a
‘Wallace and Gromit’ story she did.
DOUG: Lord, don’t even tell
me...
SARAH: They go to
(DOUG audibly smacks his
head.)
TOM: But Wensleydale isn’t a
brand name.
SARAH: Yes, and ten minutes on
Google would reveal that. Any author
other than Kate-chan would have the attention span to do that. But at least we won’t have to go through this
sort of torture twice.
(An intercom crackles as it’s
turned on.)
MAJOR: (over the intercom)
What can I say? You needed to suffer for
your art.
TOM: And your art was making
us suffer, right?
MAJOR: Precisely. Now back at it. It’s a finale, so make it good. (intercom
shuts off)
>
> Though it seemed to
have lasted for a longer time,
BRIAN: The story was only in
its eighth chapter, not its eightieth.
>
the struggle
> continued for about
another couple of minutes or so.
LAURIE: Before the author saw
something shiny and got distracted.
>
The three
> girls, injured and
tired, seemed to have been losing when
DOUG: A 15-ton weight fell out
of nowhere on Nerissa.
>
Yan
> Lin noticed that
Nerissa was talking to the cornered Kadma,
LAURIE: (Nerissa) “Should I go
with the skin-tight black catsuit or the pasties and hot pants for my new evil
costume?”
SARAH: (Kadma) “Catsuit, but
with a boob window.”
>
she
> then flapped her arms
up and down.
TOM: Yan always did the
Chicken Dance when she was panicking.
> Responding to this, Halinor
BRIAN: Flapped her arms and
clapped four times.
> aimed her hands at
Nerissa, and started concentrating her energy
> on her.
DOUG: (bombastically) The
*focused totality* of her magical power!
> Suddenly, orange-colored magic emerged from
her hands
> and hit the target.
SARAH: Hadouken!
BRIAN: Yoga Fire!
> Nerissa flew into the air and landed in a
> tree.
LAURIE: Ladies and gentlemen,
the first supervillain stopped by a glorified hot foot.
>
> 8888
>
> As Nerissa groaned in
pain, the Oracle yelled,
TOM: (Oracle) “They could’ve
*tripped* her and won with more dignity than that!”
> "That's enough!
DOUG: (Oracle) “Put ‘Ninja
Warrior’ back on.”
> The other guardians
have finally made her too weak to fight back
> I'll bring them here
for a trial.
TOM: The Oracle or Jimmy’s
friend from ‘Prince of Space’ - you make the call.
> Get everyone ready, Tibor."
> The advisor
immediately followed this order
BRIAN: After a Dunkin Donuts
stop...
> as he left the
> Oracle for the first
time in over 3,000 years,
SARAH: Uh... someone needs to
sit down with Tibor and the Oracle and teach them all about codependence.
> alerting every
> council member to
report to the
> possible.
LAURIE: And yes, there’d be a
free lunch.
>
> End of Chapter Eight
>
> A/N: Did you like or
hate this chapter?
SARAH: You’re not ready to
hear it.
> Please review and let me
> know! The very next
chapter will compose of Nerissa's trial and
> punishment.
DOUG: Oh, boy! Get ready for some ‘Law & Order’ style
legal drama!
BRIAN: Good, old-school ‘Law
& Order’ when they were semi-accurate, or crappy newer
ripped-from-the-headlines ‘Law & Order’?
DOUG: I think you know which
we’ll be getting.
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: Me +
W.I.T.C.H. + copyright laws equals: non-
> existant
LAURIE: Kate-chan minus logic
divided by attention span minus research multiplied by ego plus twee-ness
equals *agonizing headache*.
>
> Kate-chan 91's tidbits
(A/N): Here's the second to last chapter!
TOM: Yay! (sing-song)
Only two more chapters! Only two
more chapters!
>
> Chapter Nine:
Nerissa's Punishment
LAURIE: A detail by detail
account of how Nerissa had her phone privileges revoked.
>
> 9999
>
> Everyone in the
DOUG: Is it even worth
commenting on at this point...?
TOM: Uh... that *was* a
comment.
>
as the Oracle,
BRIAN: The Lazy Guy.
> Tibor
BRIAN: The Remora.
> and Luba
BRIAN: The Catty Smart Person.
DOUG: Jiffy-Luba.
> conversed with each other about
SARAH: The new toner cartridge
guys and should they switch again.
> the case of the
> Keeper of the Heart
gone bad-
LAURIE: Will?
BRIAN: Lillian?
TOM: Ma-Ti?
(KIDS look at TOM.)
TOM: It’s called a call-back.
KIDS: Oohhh...
> Nerissa.
SARAH: Oh, yeah. *Her*.
> After all, they were
> currently in the
process of establishing a verdict.
LAURIE: Oh, just flip a coin
for it.
>
Some, like
> Yan Lin's, mouths were
dry as the spellbounding
> they could therefore
not speak.
ALL: (after a pause) What?!
DOUG: That’s why there was a
factory-issued recall on that sentence.
> Others, in some cases,
SARAH: Were knee-deep in a
metaphor about
> were
> simply curious about
what was going to happen to a guardian.
BRIAN: And would this bar her
permanently from the Hall of Fame.
TOM: You’re thinking of Pete
Rose again, right?
> The
> rest, however, were
simply patiently waiting as they usually
> did.
LAURIE: Those smuggled-in
iPods helped, though.
>
> Finally, the three
pulled apart from each other
DOUG: After being stuck in a
Siamese Human Knot.
>
and the Oracle,
> accompanied by Tibor,
BRIAN: Who’s somehow more
Smithersy than Smithers.
> started talking in an unusually sad voice.
TOM: (Oracle) “I am afraid ‘
> "When I assigned
these bright young ladies as the latest
DOUG: (Oracle) “Featured
dancers.”
> guardians of the veil,
even I could not
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Figure out
why.”
> predict what would
> happen after doing so.
SARAH: Even thought that’s
kind of his schtick.
> Aside from being on task,
TOM: Wow. Even timeless, immortal otherworldly beings
use boardroom slang.
> not only has
> the Keeper of the
Heart figured out how to manipulate it,
BRIAN: (Oracle) “She also
learned how to make really good scrambled eggs with it!”
>
but
> she has also caused
death and destruction,
SARAH: (Oracle) “And even
worse, commissioned the construction of a Wal-Mart.”
> even going to the
> extent of
intentionally slaying a fellow guardian.
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Granted, a
really stupid fellow guardian, but still!”
>
Because of
> this, she has been
sentenced to
DOUG: Fold the laundry for
everyone. And no mixing up whose robes
are whose!
> be eternally imprisioned
TOM: (bad French accent) She
shall be immprisioned fer ze rest of ‘er liff!
Oh-huh-huh!
>
on
>
>
> The concilmen
immediately murmuring about this.
SARAH: (whispered) “I thought
there was a ski resort there.”
LAURIE: (whispered) “Yeah,
that one with the indoor water park.”
>
What did he mean
> by this?
BRIAN: Surely, he meant to
send Nerissa to Mount Nev-R-Escape.
> Eventually, a confused concil member asked to
the
> Oracle:
DOUG: (council member) “Have
you seen my glasses?”
TOM: (Oracle) “They’re on your
head.”
> "What do you mean by
LAURIE: (Oracle) “It’s a
mountain - a big, cold chunk of rock - and that’s its name.”
>
> "
TOM: The name changed after
the buy-out.
>
That name, so
> notorious already,
SARAH: It was the
> has become so tainted that it's impossible
> for few to tolerate
the mere mention of it."
LAURIE: (Oracle) “Like right
now. See how most of you writhe in agony
whenever I say ‘
>
> Nerissa gulped as she
was then asked to hold out her palm
> towards Luba.
DOUG: (Luba) “No, dear, flip
it over - I need to smack your *knuckles*.”
> It was then that the Heart of Kandrakar
appeared
> above her hand and
Luba confiscated it.
SARAH: No pagers, cell phones,
or magical items in class.
> A sight which would
> never escape the
guardian's minds then occured as
BRIAN: Someone kindly passed
around copies of the actual comics to see just how more interesting the ambush
of Cassidy and the accusations towards the Oracle at the trial were compared to
*this*.
>
the former
> Keeper of the Heart
TOM: Cried like a paid mourner.
> was then picked up by some concil members
SARAH: (‘concil’ member) “Hey,
Earl, you want the end that kicks or the end that bites?”
> and placed in what
resembled a marble coffin
LAURIE: It was actually a
plain stone coffin with a paint job.
Much cheaper.
> with a symbol
> resembling the Heart
chistled into it.
DOUG: Dude, that’s insult to
injury. It’s like carving Superman’s
logo onto Lex Luthor’s grave.
LAURIE: Nerissa’s being really
cooperative about her entombment.
> It was then closed and
> taken away as the
eternally trapped Nerissa was still screeching
> and pounding inside.
LAURIE: Or not.
TOM: (Nerissa, panicked)
“There’s a rat in here!”
>
> Though they were still
shocked by what they saw,
BRIAN: They expected a glass
coffin.
>
the guardians
> obeyed when the Oracle
asked them to come closer in front of
> them.
TOM: They now knew what would
happen if they didn’t.
>
> "So you're the
Oracle, sir?" Yan Lin asked in amazement.
DOUG: That’s what the nametag
says.
>
> The Oracle nodded.
"You are correct, Yan Lin.
TOM: (Oracle) “You get a gold
star.”
> Do you three know
> why you are
here?"
SARAH: (guardian, anxiously)
“You wanna congratulate us?”
>
> "To congratulate
us for a good job, sir?" Kadma questioned him.
SARAH: Argh!
TOM: Oh! And you were having a good run there, too. Well, one last recoil for the road.
>
> "That's part of
it.
BRIAN: (Oracle) “I also want
to play ‘Jeopardy’.”
> Kadma, Halinor, Yan Lin-
LAURIE: (Oracle) “You’re
fired. Your coffins are over there, so
hop in and make this easier for everyone.”
> All of you and your
> fallen guardians
you've completed
DOUG: Fwah?
> your task faster and with more
> determination than any
other guardians I ever assigned.
TOM: (Oracle) “Granted, all I
asked for was a patch, and your grandkids will have to do the job again, but
still...”
>
Because
> of this, I'm wondering
if you would like to be in a special
> mission sometime in
the future."
BRIAN: One where you ignore
clear-as-day plot points from the comics because of your questionable reading
comprehension?
>
> "What kind of
special mission?" Halinor asked.
>
> The Oracle just
smiled. "You'll find out eventually."
SARAH: And the seeds for a
mind-scarring slash fic are sewn.
>
It was
> then that he
concentrated his energy on the girls, who started
> glowing.
DOUG: Looks like it grows
pretty quickly...
> As the light intensified, the Oracle asked
someone in
> the shadows,
LAURIE: (Oracle) “It’s in the
oven, right? Are you *sure* she’s
stopped screaming?”
> "Would you like to say good-bye to your
friends
> before they go home?"
The shadowy figure then walked out with a
> smile on her face,
waving farewell. As it turned out, it was
> Cassidy.
TOM: Three... two... one...
>
> "Good-bye! I'll
miss you!"
ALL: *Gaaaagg*!
> Cassidy said as her friends
> frantically waved
good-bye- and then vanished, being transported
> back to Earth.
>
> End of Chapter Nine
BRIAN: Now try to justify your
changes *this* time.
>
> A/N: This is the
second to last chapter.
BRIAN: See? You *can’t*.
You don’t even care that most of your readers know you’re a piker.
TOM: Let it go, man!
> I hope you enjoyed
> reading up to this
chapter.
>
> Ja Ne!
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
> Two Tainted Hearts
>
> A fan fiction by
Kate-chan 91
>
> Disclaimer: Here's the
math:
LAURIE: “One plus one
equals... (long pause) eleven?”
> I was born in August 1991,
SARAH: Where? We need to narrow this down for when we order
the hit.
> while
> W.I.T.C.H. was
originally published in
> that was the month)
2001.
BRIAN: Only to be brought over
slowly and agonizingly in an awkward format in
> What age would I have been at the
> time?
TOM: If we’re talking mental
age, same as you are now.
>
> Kate-chan 91's tidbits
(A/N): Here it is: the final chapter of
> my second W.I.T.C.H.
fanfic.
(ALL cheer wildly.)
> I hope y'all liked it.
(The cheering tapers off into
low, subdued groans of disagreement.)
>
> Enjoy...
DOUG: When you say it like
that, it’s oddly sinister.
>
> Chapter Ten: Till We
Meet Again
>
> 10101010
SARAH: Hey, she’s cursing at
us in binary!
TOM: Well, back atcha!
>
> Shortly after Nerissa
was sent to the recently renamed Mount
> Thanos,
LAURIE: Beautiful
> Halinor, Kadma and Yan Lin returned to Earth
in order to
> try to relive normal
lives.
DOUG: The double murder
investigation put a quick end to that.
> However, they still had one more
> thing to deal with
before they would actually try to go on with
> their lives: Cassidy's
funeral.
SARAH: Vomit bags at the
ready...
> True, there was no body to
> honor, but their late
friend deserved it.
BRIAN: As for Nerissa, screw
her! She had no friends or relatives to
wonder where she went, so forget about her.
>
> Because it would be
difficult to explian how Cassidy died,
DOUG: So they decided to
*explain* it instead.
>
her
> Greataunt Carole lied
to the school secretary by telling her
> that
LAURIE: She never had a niece
- what was she talking about?
TOM: A lion jumped out and
vaporized her.
> she
had moved to
BRIAN: The one riding with the
Outlaws?
> the old woman bought
it despite the fact no older sister even
> existed.
TOM: Well, what do you
expect? She’s *old*.
SARAH: But in Kate-chan’s
world, thirty is probably considered old.
> By doing this, she was able to protect the
existence of
> Kandrakar and the
veil.
DOUG: But Kandrakar had
already bought off the FBI, so it was kind of unnecessary.
> She then scheduled the private funeral
> to occur on Saturday
afternoon.
TOM: That way, no one would
miss their favorite cartoons.
>
> 10101010
SARAH: Back atcha, foul mouth.
>
> After what seemed like
a long week (even though it in reality
> only two days),
TOM: (disgruntled) Gah... kids
today with their two-day weeks and their Nickelbacks and their hy-breed cars...
> it was Saturday afternoon and the three
> remaining ex-guardians
gathered at Greataunt Carole's home.
BRIAN: The old lady stench
kept all but the strongest at bay.
> While Kadma, Halinor
and Greataunt Carole wore all black while
> Yan Lin, the sole
Chinese girl, wore the traditional (in her
> culture) white.
LAURIE: While Marina the town
bimbo wore hot pink to get attention.
>
> During the ceremony,
everyone wrote what they missed the most
> about Cassidy on
sheets of stationary.
SARAH: (girl) “I’ll miss your
total lack of individual characterization and trite speeches about friendship
so much...” (starts fake sobbing)
> After reading what they
> wrote,
DOUG: (Carole) “A-hem... A pound of Swiss, two loaves of bread,
Miracle Whip... Oh. Oops.”
> they placed the notes and some fresh cut
flowers into a
> small wooden chest.
BRIAN: That should keep the
kudzu in check.
LAURIE: Now - it’s *supposed*
to grow and consume all, as an eternal memorial.
> As Greataunt Carole finished digging,
TOM: After her massive heart
attack.
DOUG: Yes, they can seal away
evil, but when it comes to working in the dirt, they leave it for the senior
citizen.
> the
> three girls sat
crosslegged on the grass talking about their
> friend.
SARAH: Who, it seems, was
buried next to Nippy the Ferret in the backyard.
TOM: (girl) “Any second now,
her hand will pop up like in ‘Carrie’.”
SARAH: Uh... no body?
TOM: Oh, right.
>
> "I can't believe
she's gone-
LAURIE: (Halinor) “She never
returned my earrings, either.”
> she didn't know what hit
> her...'Didn't deserve
it, that's for sure." Halinor said.
BRIAN: And when someone says
that, they really mean that they had it coming.
>
> "Do you think
we're ever going to see Cassidy and Kandrakar
> again?"
>
> "You know Yan
Lin," responded Kadma, "I believe we'll definitely
> see them again- I can
just feel it- I don't know how or when,
> but we will.
DOUG: Kadma, stop reading that
greeting card and say something genuine.
> It's just like what the Oracle said- he wants
us to
> complete another
mission.
BRIAN: One that goes against
how it actually happened in the series, but hey, who’s paying attention?
> Maybe we'll see again then."
SARAH: You mean they’ll have
this same conversation *twice*?
>
> Yan Lin replied,
"I hope we do, so that way we will just have to
> keep sharing
ourhappiness with each other- united as one!"
SARAH: I’m *going* to *hurl*.
LAURIE: The Power of Cliché
shall protect them from harm!
>
> All three girls hugged
each other as they got off the grass to
> have lunch,
TOM: Spoiled ham on moldy bread
with stale chips - the traditional Grandma lunch.
DOUG: Their butts getting all
soggy and itchy from the lawn...
> waiting for the day that will once again bring
them
> in some way or the
other back to Kandrakar.
BRIAN: So... the group suicide,
then.
>
> THE END
LAURIE: We don’t believe you,
Kate-chan - there’s no way we’re gonna get to leave with that being the last
word.
>
> A/N:
LAURIE: See? I knew it!
> So,
what did you think of my fifth published fanfic?
BRIAN and DOUG: (a la ‘Men on
Film’) Hated it!
SARAH: ‘Posted online’ isn’t
the same thing as ‘published’.
>
Did
> you like it and wish
it could continue, or did you hate it and
> you're glad that it's
over with?
TOM: By now, the answer should
be more than obvious.
> Please submit a rave or
> constructive flame if
you can.
SARAH: “And by ‘constructive
flame’, I mean ‘rave’.”
> (And in case you're wondering:
LAURIE: “The lobotomy’s
scheduled for next week.”
> I'm going to publish a
new W.I.T.C.H. fanfic in February
ALL: Nooooo!
>
that
> happens to be the
sequel to
DOUG: The ‘Godfather’ trilogy. Don’t ask how, but it is.
> one of my most popular fanfics
> "Elemental Poetry
Slam".
BRIAN: Wow. Just when I thought that Fanfiction.Net
wasn’t a *total* pit...
> Wait for it!)
TOM: In the fallout shelter of
your choice.
>
> Overall, I hope you
enjoyed reading this
DOUG: Don’t hope *too* much.
> and please have a
> wonderful day.
DOUG: In the words of Grandpa
Trotter, “There’s a moral in this story somewhere, but for the life of me, I
can’t find it.”
BRIAN: I can.
DOUG: Yeah?
>
> Ja Ne!
BRIAN: Yeah. Before you say you’re a fan of a series and
start writing fanfiction for it, maybe you want to actually *read* some of it
first so you don’t look like a total moron.
LAURIE: I think that’d happen
even if she had, though.
TOM: Let’s get out of here,
please!
SARAH: Gladly. Even oblivion is better than more Kate-chan.
DOUG: (picking up TOM) Well...
(ALL exit.)
>
> Kate-chan 91
>
SARAH: (off-screen) Good-bye
and good riddance!
[One last time, the doors...
and the BRIDGE.]
[The BRIDGE is dark and
completely empty. What appears to be a
layer of dust has settled over everything.
On the desktop, there is a small sign: ‘COMING SOON - SHOCK OF LOVE WITH
ELECTRO’.]
[Cut to: CONTROL ROOM. It, too, is empty and darkened; however, out
of a large door in the background, light from a hallway and noise are leaking
into view. The noise happens to be that
of very rowdy children’s cheering and laughter, punctuated by the occasional
scream of pain from MAJOR DOMO.]
MINOR: (from hallway, over the
children’s laughter) Okay, X-Babies, hit the piñata harder! You’ve almost got the candy! Whee!
MAJOR: No! For the love of Mojo!
[A loud ‘WHACK’ is heard,
followed by another scream that deteriorates into crying. As MINOR cheers with the children, the door
slowly closes, plunging the scene into darkness.]
[Cut to: A dimly lit apartment
bedroom in
TOM: (to himself) What a
strange dream... That’s the last time I
eat pot roast and borrow Crow’s comics to read before bed...
[The scene fades as TOM exits
his bedroom.]
[Cut to: A small,
well-landscaped college campus’ entry gate.
The seal by the gate reads: ‘
WANDA: Funny... this doesn’t
suit this place at all. Well, here
goes...
[WANDA snaps her fingers and,
again, the red smoke fills the screen...]
---
“
“Before 1947, Wilkins was a town, mostly
owned by the Wilkins family and their in-laws,” Doug continued. The three newly accepted students did their
best to feign interest in what he was saying; more than anything, however, they
just wanted to know which old storefront was refitted into a dormitory and
which was the cafeteria. “The town was
just over a half mile in size. When the
family matriarch died, her will contained instructions to convert the town into
an educational institution. Since ninety
percent of the town was related to her in some way, they had to comply.”
“What happened to the other ten percent?”
asked one of the new attendees on the tour, a young man of African-American and
Hispanic descent with a nametag reading ‘Brian’.
“Most of the residents either found
non-faculty jobs or moved to
“Uh, excuse me?” a blond-haired, timid girl
with a nametag labeled ‘Laurie’ on her chest asked. “Are you sure those aren’t street addresses?”
Doug froze for a moment. At that very instant, he realized that his
instructor had managed to pull his leg without him even fathoming the concept. For a nanosecond, he blushed in
embarrassment, then hastily regained his calm exterior.
“Of course not,” Doug said with what he
hoped would sound like a dismissive laugh.
“They just added a new building every other year. The Wilkins family went waaaaaaaaay back.”
“So how inbred were they by 1947?” snidely
asked the second girl, a dark-haired, pale young woman with the nametag of
‘Sarah’.
“Look, do you want to go here or go to
The group screeched to a halt, however, as a
woman in a maroon dress suit with a matching dye job approached them. In either hand she held a secure-looking
silver briefcase. For a moment, the kids
froze; the cases were alarmingly similar to those that were shown in movies to
contain such delightful items as small atomic bombs or chemical weapons.
“Excuse me,” the woman asked, her words
twinged with a soft Slavic accent. “I
have some old film works to donate to the Communications department. They need to be climate controlled.” She smiled pleasantly and sincerely, as
though she knew what was on the students’ minds. “I wanted to donate them, but I can’t find
the building.”
“It’s the one behind the lab, with the empty
marquee,” Doug explained, pointing in the direction of the proper facility.
“Thank you very much,” the woman said before
she left.
For a moment the students stood around in an
awkward silence. The occasional sniff or
‘hmmm’ was all that any of them could muster.
Finally, Laurie shyly raised a hand and spoke.
“Did anyone find that lady oddly familiar?”
asked Laurie.
Doug shook his head. “Probably an ex-resident,” he suggested. “C’mon, let’s check out that lab.”
---
The Wilkins family that lent its name to the
college once had quite a thriving small ex-town. According to the records, they owned a
boutique, a hardware store, a garage, two different grocery stores, and a movie
theater. Most of these were torn down or
completely restructured when the former town of
That ‘hands off’ treatment was what made the
appearance of the stranger in the red dress suit so much odder. Luckily for her, the students in charge of
the stations were too involved in their meeting to notice her.
“I swear, if one more person suggests reruns
of Dobie Gillis, I’m gonna hit something,” grumbled Max Vecchio (program
director and junior). He watched wearily
as his advisor mulled over his objection and knew that it had, once again,
fallen on deaf ears.
“We need to air something,” Professor Milo
Seltzer said dully, just as he had to every option the students had suggested
before and was probably planning to do for every future one as well. “I’ll be working for
“Well, our volunteers need something to do,
too,” Zoe Eaton (assistant program director and junior) suggested. “They’re out in the satellite, and the only
time they have something to do besides watch TV is when we transmit a class for
them. They’re getting restless.”
“Besides, they’ve got a better cable line-up
than we do,” Prof. Seltzer said bitterly.
“Maybe, if we’re really desperate, we
could ask Kevin for ideas,” Max warily suggested.
“Max?” Zoe began sternly. “No one here is that desperate. No one.”
Just then, there was a knock on the door. With a heavy sigh, Prof. Seltzer stood up and
walked towards it; the moment his hand touched the doorknob, he paused and
turned to his students.
“If it’s a Poli-Sci snot again, I’m going to
punch them,” he began, “and you never saw it.”
“Understood, sir,” Max replied.
Prof. Seltzer opened the door and found
himself staring at the woman in the red suit again. She wordlessly placed the handles of her two
briefcases into his hands, then smiled kindly.
“Hello, professor,” said the woman. “I believe I have a solution for your
problems...”
-----
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related concepts
and characters are © Best Brains, 2008. X-Men, New Mutants, New X-Men: Academy X, the
Mojoverse, and all related concepts & characters are © Marvel Comics, 2008. W.I.T.C.H. and all related concepts &
characters are © Disney and its various international subsidiaries, 2008. Captain Planet and all related concepts &
characters are © Ted Turner, DiC, Hanna-Barbera, and Time-Warner, 2008. All songs used in the stories are © their
respective artists, record companies, and rights holders, 2008. I don’t have the patience to research the
exact ones to list, so that will have to suffice. All other concepts, locations, and characters
are © 2008, Melanie S. Nazelrod.
“Strong
Spirit” is © CosmicGiraffe/Hay Lin/HayLinAir, 2008. “Here’s My Heart” is © Nina Bechtold,
2008. “Two Tainted Hearts” is ©
Kate-chan 91, 2008. This MiSTing and the
Mojoverse Science Theatre 2099 format is © Melanie S. “Mela” Nazelrod, 2008,
though I doubt anyone will be dumb enough to want to use it.
Picture
references for the Marvel characters, with artist credits: https://melashaanmst.tripod.com/visrefs.htm
The author of this MiSTing can
be contacted at shaan_shi@comcast.net if interested.
Newberry Award winners - when
they grow up, they want to be Lifetime Movies of the Week.
Wensleydale is a city in
Lastly, thanks if you made it
this far. Hope you had fun.
-----
Stinger:
> Disclaimer: What’s the
definition of the word “FAN fiction”?
--------
Back to Part Two:
https://melashaanmst.tripod.com/mst2099f3.htm